


You Are The Music In Me

by brightasstars



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Antipersonnel mines, Blasting accident, Caring Magnus Bane, Cello Player Magnus Bane, Doctor Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional pain, First Time, First lunch date, Getting to Know Each Other, Happy Ending, Human AU, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Light Angst, Living Together, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Mutual Pining, Physical Disability, Physical Pain, Protective Luke Garroway, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Weddings, body worshipping, building a life together, self-image issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:54:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 54,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26170750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightasstars/pseuds/brightasstars
Summary: Alec wakes up one morning, in a hospital’s bed, alone and far away from home, only to discover that he has lost his lower leg and all that he had, is now gone forever. With his new life, comes new relationships and encounters, and Alec finds himself working on his dream with Magnus, a famous cello player, who shares with him more past than he could imagine. Heart grows fonder as they get to know each other but it terrifies Alec to reveal everything to Magnus, scared that it would be too much,  for he isn’t ready to lose everything all over again.When truth is forced out of him, even his own skin doesn’t feel safe enough. Luke’s question echoes through his mind, is he ready to let someone see him? let someone love him?  A story of losing and winning and everything in between.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 224
Kudos: 308
Collections: Malec Discord Mini Bang 2020





	1. Saved

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was created for the Malec Discord Mini Bang 2020 hosted by the Malec Discord Server.
> 
> A very special thank you to my amazing artist  
> [foxymoley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxymoley/pseuds/foxymoley), the banner, the chapters dividers and the art you find in chapter 4, are all her wonderful creations! Thank you Foxy, you have given this fic a touch of magic with your beautiful art!
> 
> I also want to thank the besta beta you could ever work with  
> [WithFlowerAndBlood](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithFlowerAndBlood/pseuds/WithFlowerAndBlood). She supported me and encouraged me through all the way! Thank you again!
> 
> More tags will be added with chapters update
> 
> This has been an amazing journey!

_“In the time of your life, live - so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but shall smile to the infinite delight and mystery of it”_ _**W. Saroyan** _

A light, a blinding light. Alec squinted his eyelids to return to the comforting darkness.

Then the pain, like a stab in his leg. Alec hissed and inhaled a sharp aborted breath through his gritted teeth.

A mask? Why was he wearing an oxygen mask on his face? He tried to raise his arm to remove it, cause he felt the need to inhale air, fresh air into his lungs.

He was confused, his mind was numb. Then slowly random images started flooding inside his head...the plane, the small village near the mountains, the small hospital…he was in Indonesia, yes, now he remembered. 

Then why was he lying in a bed of a hospital in pain? Hadn’t he got there to help the others? He was the doctor, he wasn’t supposed to be the one lying on a bed after surgery, because Alec was quite sure he had undergone surgery, also a huge one. 

He was attached to a monitor, he had a mask covering his nose and his mouth, and an IV in his left arm and …-- what was that-- a bandage on his right leg?

He raised his head from the pillow to check better but all the tubes and the electrodes were keeping him strapped to the bed and the pain in his neck made him lean back again.

“Evening…, you finally woke up, doctor.”

Alec turned his head toward the voice. –evening?—how could be the light so blinding in the evening. 

He focused again on the small nurse who was standing next to his bed and staring at him, then at the monitor, then at him again, checking the parameters and writing them on the medical record.

She had a satisfied look on her face, and Alec knew what that meant, that he was doing good. Then she leaned toward him and removed the mask from his face.

“You’ve been breathing on your own since yesterday, darling. We left this just to let your lungs rest a little more. Want to have a taste of some fresh air?” and she smiled.

Alec nodded, barely moving his head up and down and opened his mouth just that little bit.

Oh, God! He thought. Was this how it felt for his patients too? 

No wonder they were complaining each time they breathed in for the first time after removing their masks. 

Alec felt as if a blowtorch had just been ignited inside his mouth and throat. He wanted to ask what happened and why was he there, but his mind could come up with only a hoarse “Hi…”

His throat felt dry and his lips were dehydrated. He licked them twice, trying to soothe the pain and trying to moisture them a bit, but even his tongue felt too thick and glued.

The nurse didn’t miss his movements. 

“A little water maybe?”

Alec nodded again and gave her a barely visible smile.

The nurse grabbed a glass, filled it, and handed it to him, removing the needle from his arm and letting him grab it.

“Just…,” she started saying.

“Go slow…, I know, thanks,” Alec replied, bringing the glass to his mouth and sipping small amounts of water. 

He stopped for a minute between each sip, he knew too well what water could trigger on an empty stomach.

It felt strange, being on the receiving hand. 

Alec was a neurosurgeon, passionate, accurate, highly-skilled, talented, capable of an incredible speed of thought when he had to react quickly, but never letting the rush of the moment cloud his judgment. 

Most of all, his patients thought he was kind, he always took high consideration in their emotions too, and he always worried about their overall well-being. 

The outcome of good surgery, he used to say, shouldn’t only be based on clinical and medical records, but it should consider the affective part of the process too, like how was the patient reacting to what happened to him, if he was letting go the fear of death, if he was feeling hope again, or accepting the changes that the operation had brought to his life. 

He was young, but he had always been wiser and more mature than his peers. Life had already asked him a lot.

Alec scanned the intensive care room he was in and realized that he must have survived a bad injury or accident, so he felt thankful for being alive. He was there, breathing on his own, sipping water that felt like ambrosia on his lips and his tongue and he was himself, he was in complete control of his brain and his thoughts, or so it seemed.

Could have gone worse, he thought. 

“I’m going to free you now, you seem doing well, doctor,” the nurse smiled to him and he smiled back, and she removed the electrodes from his chest, gently. 

As soon as he was freed and disentangled from the monitor, Alec tried to shift on his right side to catch his phone on the nightstand, cause he needed to call home, but the nurse softly pushed him back on the pillows, grabbing his bare shoulder.

“I’ve called the surgeon, he’s coming. It’ll be better that you talk to him before moving or anything, ok?”

Alec swallowed and nodded silently, as a strange feeling grew inside his chest. He knew too well what that meant, the difference was that now he was the one expecting the bad news. 

He closed his eyes, trying to remember what had happened and why he was in a hospital… he had moved from the mountains of Argosari, where he was building a new hospital, to the other part of the island, nearest the ocean, to search for people that needed free medical help. He remembered he was walking to reach a small village made of wooden houses right near the ocean…he was walking, walking…

“Dr. Lightwood,” a man’s voice tore him from his memories, “how are you feeling? Your parameters seem good, improving hour after hour. How do you feel?”

Alec looked at that man, who’d probably saved his life, with a deep sense of gratitude. 

He cleared his throat before asking “How do you all know that I am a doctor?”

“Your assistant told us when we found you laying on the ground. He had been really helpful since he blocked the bleeding with your belt, as much as he could do of course…”

BANG! A flashlight and a loud noise echoed in Alec’s head, making him gasp and jump in the bed. 

There had been an explosion. He must have put his foot on something, something that was buried into the ground. 

His head started spinning and he could hear the blood running and pressing loudly inside his skull as the images came back to his mind.

A terrible, tearing pain in his right leg and blood all over, dripping from his limb, covering his pants and spreading in dark rivulets on the dust beneath him. He was shouting – My leg, my leg-, trying to curl it up against his chest, but he couldn’t control his movements. 

Then he remembered Imasu removing his belt from his pants, ripping the loops with a knife, while he was crying and asking for help, holding a phone between his cheek and his shoulder, then tightening the leather around Alec’s lower thigh, as his view was slowly blurring and the words failed to leave his mouth to cry out in pain.

His eyes were now open wide and glassy as cold sweat drops were covering his forehead. 

In the background, he heard a voice asking for sedation and he snapped back to reality.

“No,” he groaned, “I don’t want to be sedated. I…I want to know what happened to my leg.”

The surgeon sighed and sat on his bed.

“Why were you there? I mean, walking there,” the doctor asked him.

Alec tried to concentrate and gather his thoughts and to regain control of his breathing.

“I…I was searching for injured kids…I …I started a new hospital in the other part of the island…” he stopped, pondering the next words, looking at the other doctor straight in his eyes, “I was hit by an anti-personnel mine, weren’t I?”

Alec recognized the expression on the other’s man face, the one he surely had on his own when the worst things needed to be said, when he tried to find the best words to tell someone about something that would change their lives forever. 

He didn’t know why, but he felt the urge to sympathize with him. He reached out with one arm, grabbing the doctor’s white coat in his fist, and whispered, “I know you’ve done the best you could…”

The doctor smiled back, turned his head to stare at the floor, scrubbing his palm on his chin a couple of times, before exhaling a deep long breath, and looking at Alec again.

“I don’t know how is it possible that you are still alive, Dr. Lightwood. You’ve been lucky, the mine was sort of dormant, it didn’t explode at its full force, or it would have blown your whole body in pieces. Even if the explosion had been small, it tore your lower right leg apart from your body. The limb was dangling from your knee, attached only to the kneecap but... it was all torn and burnt, we… we couldn’t save it. I had to amputate it to avoid sepsis and to prevent you from dying. You… lost a lot of blood since some splinters severed also your femoral artery, you flatlined when you were on the operatory table, but… you recovered immediately. I am sorry,” he added.

Alec closed his eyes, swallowing twice, the words and his future to come, he took a couple of deep breaths, the same he used to take when things were going bad in the operatory room, to ground himself, and then spoke, quietly, his voice barely a whisper.

“Thank you, for saving my life,” it was all he could think about. 

The surgeon smiled again, tousled his hair, as if he was his son and added, “We’ll move you to the ortho unit, and tomorrow you will meet your physiotherapist, you’re ok with that?”

Alec nodded silently and thought about his siblings. He needed to tell them, it would take him a while to go back to New York, and the hospital and…Andrew. Andrew…

“We’ll keep giving you some medication to help you sleep and recover, you need rest. You’ll deal with the memories once you’re strong enough to do that. Need anything else?” the man asked.

“No. Actually…if you just could help me to… move the pillows?” and lowered his gaze. 

He knew that maybe he shouldn’t have asked the surgeon, but since he always did that for his patients he had spoken before he could even realize what he was saying.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to be rude,” he added. 

The surgeon stood up and gestured him to move, handing him a hand to help him, but Alec tightened his abs and raised to a sitting position. 

The doctor settled the pillows on the headboard, so he could lean back comfortably. 

“Do you work out a lot?” the surgeon asked.

“I…I’ve been a professional swimmer until graduation and I still swim at least three times a week, it helps me clear my mind,” and this time his voice saddened.

“You’ll be able to do that, even without your lower leg. It will only take more effort from your thighs and arms”

“I know. Thanks for saying it anyway, and thanks for the pillows.”

As soon as the doctor left him alone, Alec grabbed the phone. 

It was hard to call them. It would be night in New York and he knew that the last time he and his siblings had received a call during the night, it was when his parents had died in that terrible car accident.

Sometimes he still woke up covered in sweat after having dreamt about a phone ringing in the darkness. 

His parents had gone celebrating a romantic anniversary night. It had been a long time since they had gone out alone, with four kids to watch. 

He and his siblings had all insisted for them to go, to take a moment for themselves, to enjoy the fact that Alec, Jace, and Izzy were now big enough to do that. 

They were just a mile from home when a truck invaded their lane. They had died instantly, the pathologist told Alec. 

How many times had they sat in the darkness of the living room crying and feeling guilty, blaming themselves that their parents would still be alive if they hadn’t insisted so much.

Alec was twenty and was already enrolled in his medical graduate program. Jace was eighteen, Izzy sixteen and Max…, Max was only twelve. 

Alec was the best student of the year and he was the captain of the water polo team, waiting to go to the National Water-polo Championship. Their parents had taken out insurance and they owned the house, so there was some money for them. He and Jace had both got a grant that covered all the university fees, but Alec was conscious that Izzy and, most of all Max, were still young, and if there was not going to be any income anymore, they will soon run out of money.

So he had left the team and found a job in a pub, as a waiter. He finished lectures and went to work. On the weekends he had found a job as a lifeguard in a public pool. 

He studied mostly at nights and in the free hours between the different lectures, but Alec was really good at that, it took no effort for him, it just came naturally. 

He had always dreamt to become a neurosurgeon, the brain had always been his obsession since he had been a child.

Brain, surgery… Alec’s head throbbed for the pain and before he could even realize it, he heard the beep of the ringtone in his ear. 

“Alec!” he heard Izzy gasp on the phone, “are you ok? What happened? It’s 1 am! Alec! Alec! Is it you on the phone? Alec?”

Izzy immediately understood that something was wrong, cause Alec never called in the middle of the night, he never even sent messages.

Alec’s heart clenched hearing her babbling all of those messed words into the phone, he could sense the fear through the screen, he could almost hear her heart stammering in her chest.

“Izzy, yes, it’s me…,” he knew his voice was still hoarse and low. He paused, waiting for her to say something, but as he could hear only her panting, he continued.

“Is Jace there with you?” and he heard her shouting his name.

He and Izzy waited in silence, on the two different ends of the phone.

“Izzy, what the fuck? It’s…”

“It’s Alec, Jace, on the phone.”

Alec could almost see his brother paling in the darkness of Izzy’s room.

“Alec? Hey buddy? Are… what …why are you calling in the middle of a night?”

Alec sighed, trying to think about the best words to tell them what happened, not to be too detailed, but he didn’t know any other way to be than straightforward.

“I was hit by an antipersonnel mine, I lost my lower right leg, but I’m alive and I’m fine.”

Silence and breaths, heavy and quick.

Jace was the first to speak.

“Ok, I’m taking the first flight tomorrow…,” but Alec stopped him immediately.

“Not at all Jace, you’re needed there. I’m in a good hospital here, tomorrow they’ll move me from the intensive care and…”

“INTENSIVE CARE?” they both shouted on the phone.

“Ah, yes, I… my femoral artery had been cut too, so I lost a lot of blood, but I’m fine now.”

“Alec?” a groggy voice called him from far away.

Max, Alec thought. 

He had probably heard his siblings shout, and rushed to Izzy’s door, trembling like a leaf.

Jace grabbed him and took him in his arms. Even after twelve long years Max still woke up shaking when he heard a shout in the night.

“Max,” Alec called him, “I… I was just saying that I’m in a hospital, I had an accident, I lost my right lower leg.”

Max stayed silent.

“As I was saying, I don’t need any help here, more also, my recovery will take a bit of time, so..., I really don’t need for you to waste money and come here. I will see the physiotherapist tomorrow…, I will stay at the hospital until I find the prosthesis that suits me and then I’ll come back to New York.”

“Alec, can you video call us?”, he heard Izzy asking between the small, quiet sobs that had overtaken her, “I mean… if you’re ok with that, I wanna see you…”

“Ah, sure. Hang up. I’ll call back.”

The screen revealed an image of a pale, gaunt, exhausted Alec, his eyes were surrounded by grey shadows and his lips were thick and dry, and Izzy pressed a hand on her mouth.

“Izzy…I…I, I know I’d probably don’t look at my best, but I’m fine, see?” and he sat again, to show her that he could move and that he was ok. “I’m sorry guys…” he said.

“Sorry?” Jace raised his voice a bit, and Alec could tell that he was trying to contain his emotions, “what for? You’re the one who’d been injured, Alec, I… I am so sorry.”

Alec’s arm started aching for having the phone in his hand for too long and his throat was burning again for having spoken too much.

“Guys, need to go. Need to rest. I’m gonna send you a picture every day, ok? So you’ll see I am improving and getting better….”

They all looked at him, with watery smiling eyes and just waved him goodbye.

As he closed the call, he dropped the phone on the bed and slumped on the pillows. He felt exhausted. Was it just a physical sensation or an emotional one too, he couldn’t tell. The only thing he knew was that a long way was waiting for him to claim his life back. 

He closed his eyes and fell asleep without even realizing it.

  
  
  


When he opened his eyes again he was in another room. He could see the sea from the window and there was a lot of green. 

He was thirsty and his stomach was growling. Good signs, he thought, his body was responding. 

He saw a glass filled with water on his nightstand, so, instinctively, he turned on his right side to grab it. 

He expected to sense it, the missing limb. He was ready to feel it, the void that his lower leg had left, but it seemed as if it was still there, laying against his other calf. 

He moved, and moved again, trying to feel something, but everything still felt just the same.

He knew it wasn’t there anymore, then why he could feel the weight of it on his other leg? 

He leaned back on his pillows, staring at the sun shining bright in the sky. 

What was he going to do? Will he be able to work again? And … love, he had just started to go out on a couple of dates with Andrew, they’d kissed and been starting to know each other. He was almost thirty-two and he had never been in a real relationship, always too busy with study, work, siblings, errands, and all. Until Andrew had noticed him and had almost incredibly asked him out. 

Alec had always wondered why Andrew had put his eyes on him. He smiled sadly. He had never felt attractive and his shy, introverted nature had never helped him to shine among the crowd. Would Andrew still want him, after all this?

“Time to let your legs on the run Doctor! Come on, get over here, to the edge of the bed. Can you do that? I’ll change the bandages first and then we’ll move to the gym to do some exercises and see what you can do!”

Alec turned his empty heavy head toward the door. He saw a tall man with a short beard and a full mouth smile looking at him in his green uniform, that stood out under the white coat.

Before he could process any further information the man was right beside him, extending his strong arm with his palm open for him to shake it.

“I’m Luke and I’ll be your physiotherapist for the next month, more or less. The surgeon told me you’ll have a temporary prosthesis because you want to go back home and then you’ll fix everything there right?”

Alec took his hand, shaking it strongly, and moved his head up and down. 

“Alec,” he said, “I’m Alec.”

“And you’re a doctor right?”

“Neurosurgeon, yes.”

Luke raised his brows in awe, scanned Alec’s face and body twice, then added, “You’re young…”

Alec chuckled, “Ah, yes, I’m young, just turned thirty-two exactly.”

Luke hummed then took a small notebook from the pocket of his white coat.

“Good, means you’re a fighter, the best material to deal with. Now, before I remove the bandages and take a look at how your wound is healing I’ll outline you what we will be doing in these weeks, ok? Then if it’s all clear you’ll sign the treatment form I’ll give you.”

“Sure,” Alec replied back.

“In these first days, we will be doing specific exercises to improve strength; to increase strain tolerance; and to maintain the range of motion. Then we could try some of the early walking aids to help us decide your suitability for a prosthetic limb and which temporary one to choose. You can use this period of time to take notes on what feels good for you and bring them back to New York when you’ll have to choose the definitive prosthesis. When we have all figured out we will be doing exercise therapy to prepare the limb for the prosthesis, swimming, and everything. We will all do this together, I will follow you step by step, discussing with you how you feel and what suits better for you. Last… I will guide you through all the phases of the prosthetic training. I will provide intervention on mobility guidance, static balance, and weight-bearing, and I will be educating you about donning and doffing the prosthesis, and showing you how to grant you skin integrity and hydration.”

Alec was staring at him, but his gaze was lost and empty, a clear indication that he wasn’t present with his mind.

“Alec? Are you here with me?” Luke grabbed his shoulder and shook him.

“Ehm, yes, sorry…, I was just…,” what was he doing? Thinking? 

Luke sat on the bed, right next to him.

“Hey, I know it’s a lot to process, but… believe me, your life is not over if you are thinking so.”

Alec furrowed his brows and licked his lips.

“I know. I don’t even know what I was thinking about. Nothing in particular, but I heard everything you said. Thank you.”

Luke stood up again and placed himself on the left side of Alec’s bed.

“Now Alec, try to turn toward me and reach the end of the bed. You should stop when your left lower leg hangs out from it so that the other knee will be right on the border. I am going to remove the bandages and see how the healing is going, then I will disinfect it, change the straps with new ones and bring you to the gym. You seem …fit, why don’t we try with crutches rather than the wheelchair?”

“I’ve been a swimmer for most of my life, my arms are strong enough to use them.”

“The problem is not the strength doc, but the balance, your whole centre has changed, your brain needs to register that, but with me here, we can try. Don’t try to stand on those on your own until I say it’s safe to do that, ok?” Luke winked and waited for Alec to move.

Alec manoeuvred himself easily on the position Luke had told him. When he stopped at the edge of the bed, letting his left calf hanging loose from it, it seemed to him as if the other calf was dangling from there too. He gasped as the sensation deceived his brain. 

He had heard about a thing known as the phantom limb when he was studying and working, but experiencing it, was a completely different thing.

Luke must have read his mind and asked, “Do you still feel it? Your lower leg?”

“Yes,” Alec sighed, “as if it was still there. Ah… I heard about that, but sensing it…it’s totally a different thing. I…I… know how it works, I mean, speaking about how the brain holds a map of the missing limb and its connections, reacting as if it is still there, but… feeling it in my body is a… sort of revelation.”

Luke nodded smiling. “It won’t pass for quite a long time, this sensation I mean. You could also feel some pain coming from the missing limb…Now, are you ready to see it? If you feel like shouting, crying or anything…don’t hold back, ok?”

Alec swallowed and grabbed the edge of the bed with his hands, clutching the sheets, “I’m ready.”

Luke knelt in front of him and removed the sheets completely.

Alec gasped at the sight. His leg was so short now and it looked strange to see how rounded the knee looked, now that the lower part wasn’t there anymore. 

Luke looked at him silently, searching for permission to remove the bandages. 

Alec blinked twice and made a quick move with his hand, indicating him to go on, so he slowly started to unfold the fabric from around Alec’s thigh.

Alec couldn’t divert his eyes from the movement, he was almost hypnotized as the bandages slowly revealed the shaved skin underneath, it was such a strange sight, his leg without any hair on it, as it was when he was a kid.

The more the fabric was getting closer to the wound, the more it turned pink, then light red, then a deep dark one.

When he was about to remove the last line of straps, Luke stopped and looked at him.

“What you’ll see, it’s not how it will always be. The part is still swollen because of the operation and it will be darker…I know you know but… seeing it, it’s different than picturing it inside of your head,” and with one quick move, he let the red bandage slip on the floor revealing the stump. 

His leg had been amputated just right below his knee, it was bruised and the skin was dark, there were clots of dried blood here and there and the ending was sewed to the upper leg as a patch on a piece of rotten clothing.

Alec felt his stomach twitch and the impellent instinct to throw up, a feeling he had never had, not even at his first pathology lecture at university.

He opened his mouth and took a couple of deep breaths, trying to fight back his instincts.

“Need a bucket?” Luke asked him and Alec shook his head.

“Your stomach is empty and… yes, this is your leg, not another’s one, so… it’ normal that you feel this way. It’s different, isn’t it?”

Alec couldn’t reply back, too busy in trying to swallow the bile and the gastric juices that were coming up his throat.

“You’re still under the effect of strong painkillers. The worst of the pain comes at night, as your bones and muscles adjust to the new setup., so… as soon as you feel the effect receding, ask for more.”

Luke’s words got lost in the mist inside of Alec’s head as he was staring at the missing part of his leg. It wasn’t there, but Alec could swear he could feel pins and needles in his toes. He reached out with his hand and touched the skin just above the sewing, it was warm and scratchy. He wanted to slide his fingers lower, where the patch was, but he stopped, knowing that Luke was waiting to clean it.

“You can go on Luke…,” Alec said.

Luke didn’t say anything and proceeded to clean up the limb and Alec hissed at the contact with the cold fabric drenched in antiseptic. It sent shivers up his spine and he shuddered instinctively.

“Your skin is much more sensitive now, it will always be so. That’s why I will teach you how to hydrate it. Does it hurt?”

“No, it doesn’t hurt, it’s not pain, it’s more like…tickles.”

“It looks really good, it’s healing fast, we’ll be able to try a temporary prosthetic limb soon. I’m glad about this, so we’ll have more time for you to adjust before you go back home. Now, are you ready to stand on the crutches? I’ll be right here in front of you if you’ll ever lose your balance, don’t worry. Now put all the weight on your left leg and lift your body high enough to stand on them.”

Alec grabbed the crutches, then planted his left foot on the floor and raised on one leg.

His head started spinning fast and one crutch slipped aside, but Luke was fast and pushed him on his chest so that he was sitting again.

“It’s ok Alec, it’s normal, you also need to feed and regain a bit of strength, want to try again, maybe a couple of times? Then we’ll go to the gym with the wheelchair and try again there. Okay?”

Alec gave him an affirmative stubborn nod.

He tried twice, and Luke pushed him back on the bed each time, it was harder than he had figured. Everything was going to be harder than he had imagined or planned.

As Luke helped him sit in the wheelchair, his mind went to the over-optimistic text he had sent to Andrew just that morning, telling him that he would be able to stand alone in a couple of days. 

Now that he was thinking about it, Andrew had seen it, but had never called him or replied to him. He had never even answered his calls.

They weren’t talking much on the phone since Alec had left, due to the time difference and the fact that Andrew’s shifts at the hospital were keeping him busy, and when he wasn’t working, probably he was sleeping.

But now? Andrew must have read his first message where he told him what happened, and then the second one, why wasn’t he calling to check how Alec was? Maybe he was scared Alec didn’t want to talk to him? Or maybe he was too hurt and didn’t want to upset Alec. Yes, Alec thought, it must be that. He smiled and thought that after the gym, he would try again to speak to him.

Luke stopped the wheelchair right in front of the parallel bars inside the gym.

“These are going to be your home for the next days, Alec. You won’t use the crutches alone until you can easily walk both ways in here. Now, grab the edges of the bars and stand up, then, walk until the end and go back, as many times as you can.”

Alec did as Luke said, he raised up on his left leg and felt it trembling under the strain of keeping his whole body up. Alec was trained, but he was also tall and built, so that made it more difficult to maintain the balance.

“Try to lower your centre as you walk, until you feel sure enough.” 

Alec started moving, trying to equalize the pressure he made on his leg and on his arms to let him stand up.

After half an hour of exercising he was soaked in sweat and panting, but he wasn’t going to stop.

Luke grabbed him from his forearm.

“Enough for today, Alec. You have a strong will-power, I’ve noticed that, and you’re determined and stubborn, but too much exercise won’t help your recovery, you need to rest too and to feed. Come on buddy, up to the wheelchair again and then to the bath, you need to wash.”

Alec stiffened at those words and looked at Luke with gaping eyes. “I won’t shower until I’m able to do that alone,” he muttered. 

He just couldn’t believe the words that had just left his mouth, he was bewildered. He had just said one of those unreasonable things that he passed afternoons to convince his patients to do, cause they had no other choice since they were sick and they needed to be taken care of.

“Unfortunately, Alec, as I am sure you already know, this is not a decision you can make for yourself. Now I will bring you to the gym bathroom, and someone will help you shower, don’t be embarrassed, there are only men in there.”

As if he had read his mind Luke added quickly and loud enough for him to hear while he was heading to the wheelchair, “And don’t worry if you may or may not have an erection while they clean you. It has happened many times, and it’s something they are used to. So…get ready big boy.”

As the personnel was stripping him from his clothes and lowering him in the bathtub Alec thought how much he wished he could feel so relaxed to actually get turned on by someone who was washing him, but the only thing he could feel was a deep sense of shame and defeat.

His cheeks were red, and he knew that. When he felt the first gentle hand starting to stroke his back, he covered his eyes with his forearm, and for the first time since he woke up, he cried, silent, desperate, and lonely.

  
  


On the fourth ring, Alec could hear someone picking up the call.

“Chief Medical Office, what can I do for you?”

“Oh, it’s, Lightwood, Alexander Lightwood, neurosurgery unit, I… I called to inform you that…”

“Ah yes, Mr. Lightwood, we know about the terrible accident you had, we’re sorry. Doctor Underhill has informed us, but since you’ve been in Indonesia for the last six months, this setback doesn’t really affect our schedules and shifts, so… I hope you’ll recover soon. Thanks for calling anyway,” and she closed the call.

Alec remained there, in the bed of his now pitch-black room, with the phone in his hand and a dumbstruck expression on his face.

He dialed another number.

“Andrew?” he realized his voice was still a bit shaken from the tears.

“Oh, Alec, it’s you,” Andrew’s voice instead was… cold and distant. “Ah, how are you?”

What? How in the world could Andrew ask him how he was?

“Ehm…I had better days?”

“Alec, I’m really busy… I need to go…”

Alec felt his heart clench in his chest and rage rise in his stomach.

“Wait!” he shouted in the microphone, “I mean, I was wondering if you had received my messages cause you never replied back, not even to ask me how I was, but now I’m sure you got them because the hospital just told me that you informed them of…what happened to me…Andrew…I …I lost my leg, I almost died on the operatory table…am I not even worth a call, a text, just to say –hey, --hang in there—anything?”

His hands were trembling as was his voice.

For a moment there was no sound from the other side, just Alec breathing fast.

“I really can't do this right now, Alec, I'll call you later," Andrew cut him off.

"What?...You never did, not even once...I....”

“Listen Lightwood, did you really think I was dating you cause I wanted to be with you?” Andrew said. “I was dating you because you were the youngest chief of the neurosurgery unit and because the board of the hospital took your opinion and ideas in high consideration. I needed you to introduce me and to make them notice me and trust me. Now, you’re nothing Alec, you’re the shadow of the man you were before, you’re half of that, you’re crippled. I don’t need you anymore. I have to go now and… don’t call me again.”

Alec felt ice falling on him as if someone had thrown him under a cold shower. Why did he always see the best in people, why did he trust them and lowered his defences to the point that they could hurt him?

He was shivering, and slow cold droplets of sweat were running down his forehead, so he laid down again and covered himself with the sheets, hiding under the fabric, and he was sure that the pain in his heart was even stronger than the one he felt in his leg.

  
  
  


Alec spent most of the night and the next day in a sort of daze. He focused on the exercises and when he returned to the ward he laid on the bed and looked at the stump, staring at it, trying to accept the fact that now, that was the body he had to deal with, that was the body he had to rely on. 

All the staff kept asking him how he felt, and he feared that he would get depressed at some stage, but right now he didn’t want to know.

He was actually glad he still had those pills to help him sleep, because the only time he could dwell on these thoughts was when he was alone, and he was alone only during the night.

The stump was hurting sometimes and he could feel the pain travelling down along the leg that wasn’t there anymore, but it was a pain he could control and manage. During the days he had really a lot to do, and, in less than he realized, he was up on his crutches sooner than anyone would have imagined. 

Luke was proud of him and so was he.

He sent a picture to his siblings, but he didn’t feel comfortable showing them the stump, so he passed a couple of hours putting on a pair of long pants. In the end, he was so tired that he decided he would sleep all dressed up.

“Alec you look great!” Jace called him back instantly after he saw the pic.

“Ah, yes, Jace, I’m doing fine. I’m improving and in a couple of days I will try my prosthetic leg, but, with the crutches, I am a runner now.”

Jace listened in silence, humming on the other hand of the phone.

“Andrew must be happy to see you’re recovering, he must be waiting for you.”

Alec felt a stab in his heart and stopped speaking.

“Alec?”

Silence.

“Alec are you still there?”

“Ah…, yes Jace, I am. Actually… he…,” he didn’t know how to say that, “he said he didn’t want to see me or talk to me anymore.”

“WHAT? Are you saying that he left you? Right now, at this moment that you needed him the most?”

“Well, technically we weren’t a thing, Jace. We went out for three dates and… well, I discovered that he wasn’t interested in me, just in my job position…”

“That asshole! He has to pray to never cross my path or I will…”

“Jace, calm down. I… I’m ok. It’s not like…, I’m used to this. Being alone I mean. I'm not like you... or Izzy... you always had someone to rely on... to love and be loved in return.. I’ve never had anyone, apart from you, of course, all of you, and it’s ok. It’s familiar to me, the loneliness.”

Those words hit Jace harder than a hammer on his head. Alec was right, he had always fought alone and it wasn’t fair.

“I’m sorry, Alec. For everything. I’m really sorry.”

Tears were welling up again, and Jace would have noticed. He couldn’t fall apart on the phone, with a thousand kilometers between them.

“Need to go, Jace,” he muttered trying to control the trembling in his voice, “the swimming session starts in ten minutes. Call you soon, okay?” and he hung up the phone without waiting for Jace's answer. He knew he should have waited for his answer, but his breath was already hitching. It was too painful, he didn’t want Jace to realize how much he was hurting. That would be a reality to face when he finally got home.

He was glad he hadn’t as many visitors that the others had during the day, so he could work out as much as he could. Luke trusted him to go around alone and he spent most of his lonely afternoons swimming in the rehabilitation pool.

There he met other guys, some of them hadn’t their hands or their arms anymore, some had lost both of their legs, some others just one leg, some of them were kids or teens, some were old and sick, a kaleidoscope of humanity, disgraces and blessings, desperations and hopes. In his best days, he could find there the strength to carry on, in his worst days he was just angry at himself for getting depressed and not appreciating how lucky he had been in comparison to others that were there. In those bad days, he worked and trained at the brink of exhaustion, so that sleep would fall on him hard and merciful.

He was feeling better and fitter as the days passed by. When his leg was almost ready, he had tried to walk on an inflatable walking apparatus along with the crutches, just to get used to putting his weight on another limb again, and he seemed to do just fine, but Luke had warned him it wouldn’t be that easy, walking with the socket. 

The first day he went to the gym with Luke and his new artificial limb, Alec seemed excited. 

“Alec, just so you know, it won’t be easy, okay? It’s like learning to walk again. The pressure on your residuum is gonna be stronger than with the inflatable one, the strain on your skin is going to increase. After you’ll be able to stand, we will start with sidewalk exercises and then we’ll try walking. The important thing is that you try to walk as naturally as you can, your brain still holds the memory of your old centre.”

Alec followed his words with his eyes and his face, blinking, and nodding.

Luke had observed Alec close in all those days, and he knew that he was still in denial. He had seen that so many times before. Alec wanted to rush the healing, the prosthesis, he wanted to walk again, as if nothing ever happened, but he never took a moment to talk about how he was feeling, just pushing and pushing in the hope that with walking everything would have turned back to normal, and he never asked for help, not a material not an emotional one.

That’s why he had decided he would not help Alec today, because he was waiting for him to stumble and fall, and let his heart feel a bit of the pain that was buried deep within. He wanted the dark to come out, to reach the surface, he wanted Alec to be twitching in sobs, then mourn the life he’d lost and start again from where he was. He knew he hadn’t too much time, because Alec will be flying home in two weeks, but at least, he wanted him to realize he couldn’t turn his head on his pain. And he wanted him to understand that when he needed help, he should ask for it 

The socket felt strange on Alec’s skin, unnatural, extraneous, hard and tight. As he tried to shift the weight on his right leg, the pain skyrocketed. Alec gasped and stumbled, holding onto the bars and ending up almost on the floor.

Luke remained still, watching him struggle to stand again. Alec raised on his legs four times and four times he almost fell.

His cheeks were flushed and he felt exhausted, but most of all he was angry, to himself for not being able to do that, to the life he'd left behind and the one that was waiting for him.

In his last attempt, he managed to grab the crutches and finally stood tall. 

“I’m tired, going back to the ward,” he said.

“We’re not finished yet, Alec. Try again until our time is over. You have to catch a plane and endure a twenty-two-hour flight in two weeks, you need to practice, or I won’t sign your discharge. You need to stand and start sliding along the bars.”

Alec glared at him, with eyes full of rage, and let the crutches fall on the floor, losing his balance and barely grabbing the parallel bar in time. When he felt that he could try standing, he put his weight again on the prosthetic leg, hissing at the pain, and then fell on the floor with a loud thud. He tried to stand up on his own a couple of times, to just find himself crumbling again.

Luke had to fight the urge to stand and help him. 

Alec remained on the floor, tears gathering in his eyes as the emotions got the best of him. He felt ashamed, humiliated, furious. His breathing quickened and as much as he wanted to remain calm, he just couldn’t bottle up anymore. 

Without looking at him, he shouted, “Is that what you were waiting for? For me to fall? To show me I won’t be able to do anything I did before, to demonstrate to me that I am not good at anything. Well, you’re right, see? I’m on the floor, unable to stand up again on my own, I…,” his crying grew louder, his whole body shuddered wracked with sobs and tears.

“Alec…”

“Shut up! Was this really necessary? Showing me how useless I am now? Go away, I don’t wanna see you or talk to you, leave me alone!”

Luke stood up and left Alec alone on the floor. Alec removed the socket and crawled toward the chair where the crutches were laid. He raised himself on his arms and on his left leg, grabbed the crutches and went to the swimming pool.

He swam until his arms were aching and until he almost hadn’t any more air in his lungs, until outside it was dark, and until the tears he shed had left his eyes dry.

He was thrashing his body into the water, trying to get to the border, before the tiredness had the best of him, though he was tempted, to let go, to surrender to it and let his body float, into nothingness.

“I was sure you’d come here,” Luke said.

Alec quickly turned into the water to look at him. It was dark, the pool seemed filled with petroleum, and Alec could see Luke's silhouette leaning against the door. 

“When the nurse told me you hadn’t come back to the unit, I knew where to find you. Alec…tell me, what hurts more, your missing leg or your pride? Cause you know, you could have asked for help down there on the floor, there’s nothing wrong about it.”

Alec pushed himself up out of the water and sat on the border, “My whole life… I’ve never had anything for myself, Luke, I worked hard and gave up on so many things to have that…all I wanted to do was one thing, just one thing and now…”

“Well, now you just have a few options in front of you, Alec. You can fight with all you have to see if you can do it, or… if you finally can’t, you can discover there are so many things that maybe you want to do or to try, some things that you’ve never thought about before. Fortunately, there are a million things you can choose.”

Luke walked toward him, and Alec noticed he was carrying his socket in one hand. He sat next to him on the swimming pool border, crossing his legs and cradled Alec’s cheek in one hand.

“Look, Alec, I’ll talk to you as I’d do to a son, nobody said it would be easy, but just because you're hurting and your life has undergone a big change, this doesn’t mean you’re useless, or broken.”

Alec shrugged, lowering his head. “Trust me, I am. Not even the guy I was dating wants me anymore.”

Luke grabbed a pencil from his pocket and placed it in front of Alec’s eyes. He cracked it in two halves and ripped them apart.

“Broken is something that you can’t amend. Something that no matter how hard you try, cannot become something new from what it was before. You’re not broken Alec, you’re different, and you have to shape yourself into a new you. You shouldn’t aim to fit in what you were before, you should rather strive to become a new version of yourself, to discover what is the meaning hidden in this terrible accident, and you shouldn’t bury your pain or deny it, cause sooner or later it will cry out for attention, and … just ask for help, Alec, and let the others help you.”

“I’m not used to that, I’ve always been the one to help…”

“This is something you’ll have to learn, Alec. Asking for help is not a weakness, quite the opposite I might say. It’s knowing how far you can push yourself and it’s letting the others that love you, take care of you. To love and be loved, that’s not a one-way relationship.”

Alec wiped his eyes with his forearm, “Thanks,” he said.

“You’ll be fine, Alec. I’m not saying there won’t be moments where your world would seem to crumble, but you can do it, if you’ll let the others help you. You’re not alone.”

Alec nodded, smiling.

“Now,” he took the socket and placed it in front of Alec’s eyes, “will you want to try to put this on and walk with your arm around my shoulder? I will be glad to guide you to your room.”

“Yes, Luke, yes," he replied, a little smile on his lips and teary eyes.

The next days and weeks flew by quickly, with Alec training in the gym, until he was able to stand and walk on his socket without any help.

On the day of the discharge, Luke was waiting for him in the hall of the hospital. 

“Alec…”

“Luke, I…I don’t know how to thank you, you… you’ve done so much for me, you’ve saved me, mostly from myself, thank you…”

“I hope to see you again here Doctor Lightwood, doing what you came here to do in the first place, have a good journey home and… call me anytime if you need it okay? Day, night, whenever…”

As they parted from the hug, their eyes were visibly wet. Alec turned one more time to wave him goodbye before he bowed to enter into the cab that was finally bringing him home.

  
  



	2. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark.” L. Carroll

It was midday, the worst time to arrive. As he came out of the plane, Alec looked at the bright New York sky through his sunglasses and inhaled a deep long breath, _home_ , he thought.

Despite the pristine blue, the air was heavy and smelled of diesel. Getting down from the plain stairs had been more difficult than what he had imagined and now he was sweating even before he had reached the bottom of the steps. 

The bus brought him to the arrivals lounge, only to sadly discover that the place offered no relief at all. Despite the air-conditioning, the corridor was full and Alec soon found himself trapped in the terminal building, with many people running and pushing at him. He had to focus to keep his balance and this made him realize how tough the simplest things were for a disabled person.

He was alone, he needed to carry his luggage and walk safely to the exit, without stumbling and falling, while his knee was starting to ache a bit. It was the first time that he kept his prosthesis on for such a long time. 

He knew Jace, Izzy, and Max were waiting for him at the arrivals exit and as he saw them waiting and stretching above the crowd at the end of the gate corridor, his heart started beating faster, too many emotions welling up at the same time.

He knew it wasn’t necessary to pretend with them still, he straightened his back as much as he could and tried to steady his pace, striving not to falter or hobble too evidently, despite the pain and the burn increasing on his stump. All the training and exercises helped him a lot and from an outsider perspective, he seemed one that had barely injured his ankle or his knee.

The closer he got, the more he was breathing heavily, not from the heat or fatigue, not from the strain or the soreness, but fear. Genuine fear. He wasn’t prepared to share his discomfort and sorrow with anyone yet, and he wasn’t sure if he could ever feel comfortable around anyone anymore. 

But this was his home, where he was supposed to be, close to them. He continued walking, taking one ragged breath after another, his legs shaking. 

What was he trying to do? Disguising his pain? To his siblings, after everything they went through together?

Luke's voice echoed in his head _...take your time Alec, give your life a chance to adjust._

He stopped, dropping the heavy luggage, dried the sweat drops on his forehead with his sleeve, and took a deep breath. 

_One step at a time_ , he thought.

He'd started to take some treatment for PTSD while in Indonesia, learning how to deal with the flashbacks and the nightmares, training to steady his breath and control his train of thoughts, avoiding them to become too catastrophic or unrealistic.

“Alec!!! Alec!!!” he heard Izzy shout his name and saw her waving her arms and hands up in the air. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed them until now, now that he saw them waiting for him in the middle of the crowd.

He smiled back and had to fight the instinct to run toward her… _run_ … that was something he couldn’t do anymore, nor he could quicken his pace too much, so he kept on walking slowly toward them, as naturally as he could, pushing back the tears that stung into his eyes. 

“Alec...” Izzy called his name with such a tenderness that he could barely contain his emotions. She enclosed him into a tight hug, sneaking her hands around his waist, pulling him close, burying her head inside his chest, as she had done so many times in their lives.

Alec dropped the baggage and slid his arms along her back, resting his palms into her black hair, gently caressing it.

“Izzy…,” he whispered, “...my little sister, it’s so good to hold you again."

Izzy knew she had promised Jace to stay strong, nonetheless, small sobs left her half-closed lips, as she tightened her grip around him.

"I'm here, Izzy, don't cry, I'm okay…"

"You're not okay, Alec, ...it should be me comforting you...not the other way around…"

Alec disentangled from her arms and cradled her face into his hands, tilting it up to look her into her eyes.

"I'm alive, Izzy, and I am more okay now than I was a month ago. I'm not saying that's gonna be easy, but we're together again, and that's what counts the most," then he leaned and kissed her gently on the forehead.

Jace and Max were patiently waiting for their moment to come.

As Izzy slowly retreated from Alec's space, Max tentatively approached him, a bit scared of getting too close, but needing to touch him, after all this time apart.

Alec looked at him and opened his arms, “Max…,” his voice lowered, becoming almost a whisper, as he felt his heart exploding in his chest, and the tears threatening to fall again.

Max noticed that his arms now surrounded Alec’s waist completely and he could trace the line of his backbones. Despite the muscles that were still there, Alec had certainly lost a lot of weight.

“Alec, you’re…"

"Thinner, yes...I needed to lose a bit of weight to reduce the strain on my stump and I trained a lot to increase my muscle mass so...yeah, my body feels different…is different" 

Max smiled, "As long as you feel ok…,"

"I do Max, actually I feel even better if it wasn't for the pain that hits me every time I stand on my leg for too long…," Alec explained as he turned toward Jace, stretching his arms and pulling him close.

"Alec," Jace breathed out, "...I won't ask you here, but you know you can't get away from me that easily, right?" and he patted his brother's back twice.

Alec nodded, "Just give me time, Jace, okay?"

Jace grasped the luggage before Alec could say anything and they all headed to the car. Alec opened the front side seat door and they all waited for him to sit.

He could feel his cheeks burn, it was strange not to be the one to drive them home, not to be able to jump in the seat, but having to rehearse all the steps needed to sit comfortably. He turned on his heels and sat, pushing the seat backward, and adjusting his leg when he was finally in.

No one talked. It was a strange silence between them, something they weren't used to, after living so many years together and alone. 

It was Jace to break it first.

"So...what are your plans now that you're home, apart from punching that idiot that's left you?"

Alec smiled sadly. Though he hadn't had the time to dwell on Andrew, the reminder still hurt.

"First of all I need to see a prosthetist, cause the one I'm wearing now is just temporary and ...ah, I can't stand on it for many hours, which means I ...I can't go back to work... well, I can't perform surgery ...so this is the first thing I need to fix. I need to go to the hospital too, arrange a different accord until I'll be able to do that again, hoping they will keep me there since my research lab is working on so many projects that I can follow anyway. Last, I need to sell my old car and buy a new one, with different commands..." his voice cracked a bit and he stopped talking, turning his face toward the window, waiting for the lump to lessen.

Jace placed a hand on his thigh, squeezing it, "I have already thought about this. We have an appointment tomorrow at the showroom, the one owned by Simon's friend, do you remember him?"

"Ah, Raphael yes, was that his name?" and Jace nodded, "Yes, exactly him. I thought you would have liked to have your independence...he also gives lessons to learn how to do that…"

Alec turned again to stare at the road ahead of him, "Thanks Jace, this means a lot to me."

The rest of the journey home was filled with Alec telling them about the project of the new hospital. This idea filled his mind and was the only thing that gave him the strength and the hope to fight; he wanted to go back and start again from where he'd left.

He told them about the kids, about the beautiful landscape, and the kindness of people who owned nothing and shared everything; and then he told them about Luke and how much he helped him in his worst days.

No one asked how he'd lost his leg nor he told them. 

The first thing that finally made Alec realize he was really home, was the unmistakable scent of Izzy's eucalyptus candles. He had forgotten how strongly their fragrance enwrapped him, each time he opened their house's door, though he noticed that their smell felt strange to him now, not that familiar anymore.

"Want to take a shower before lunch?" Izzy asked him, catching him by surprise.

_No… Yes...as long as no one sees me_. He swallowed and smiled at his sister. 

"Maybe later Izzy, thanks."

Izzy was astonished and puzzled at the same time. The _waterman_ ? Alec and showers were just _a thing._ It was the only luxury he had ever conceded to himself.

A quick or a long one, Alec never turned down a chance to take a shower.

The bewilderment on her face didn't pass unnoticed to Alec and he knew that Jace and Max must have been astounded too.

"It's just that... it takes effort now to do that Izzy…, and...we consume a lot of water too, water that some of us don’t have even to drink when they're thirsty..." and he turned silent.

It felt incredible how just one change in his overall physical arrangement had given the go to a cascade of little, infinitesimal changes that affected his life so much.

He felt the need to be alone, not to be forced to explain or justify himself. He had just arrived and he felt the need to run away, and hide.

Izzy realized in that very moment that this Alec in front of her wasn't the one that she had greeted smiling at the JFK almost twelve months ago...it wasn't only the accident and the leg, the life he lived there had changed him deeply.

She felt tears well up in her eyes again and muttered a disentangled "Sorry" _._

Alec smiled again and grabbed his luggage from Jace's hands, turning and heading toward the stairs.

_Luggage and stairs. Shit._

He had forgotten his room was on the third floor, the one under the low roof, the one that always forced him to bow his back cause he was too tall to fit in there standing, the same one that he loved so much.

Two floors meant four flight of steps, on his way up and his way down, probably more than five or six times a day.

He could do that, or maybe not, maybe the best thing was moving to their house near the lake, where there were no stairs and steps.

Alec pushed this thought away for the moment and stared at the high steps that were waiting for him. Luke's voice came again to his mind...-- _plant your left foot and take a moment to find your center, then move the prosthetic leg up….--_ He inhaled a breath and started to climb the stairs that brought him to his room, literally one step at a time.

Izzy, that was standing behind his back, forced herself to remain still and silent until she heard him close the door behind his back, then lowered her gaze and placed a hand over her trembling lips, catching the tears that were streaming down her cheeks again.

"Izzy stop," she heard Max's voice right behind her, "... you're only making the things worse for him…"

"I know...just... it's so unfair...why him? He'd sacrificed everything for us…"

Jace hugged her from behind…"Life is not always fair sis', we've already learned that, didn’t we? let's just try to be here for him... okay?...whatever way he wants us to be, whatever way he'll let us…"

Izzy turned inside his arms and nodded.

"Let's call Clary and Simon," he added and went to the cupboard to take some plates and glasses.

Alec threw himself on the bed just after he closed the door, God he felt exhausted...22 hours flight, then all those emotions and the stairs...his leg was aching so much he could feel the heartbeat reverberating at the edge of his stump.

All he wanted to do was remove his pants along with his add-on leg and rest, but they were waiting for him downstairs, they had cooked a _welcome home_ lunch, and he couldn't just close himself off in there.

This was just the beginning…

"Hey Luke…," his voice was shaky.

"Alec? Are you home?"

"Yeah...I am…"

"Everything all right?"

"Yes... No...I don't know, Luke...I feel like an alien…," Alec sighed.

"Alec, it's okay..., it's normal…"

"It took me so long to go up the stairs to my old room, Luke…"

"Remember what I told you? Don't force yourself to fit into the man you were before…and, damn man, let them help you, okay? I need to go now, there's an emergency here; text me, okay?"

"Sure ...and thanks, Luke, again"

How did it happen that he felt more comfortable talking to a man who he'd just met a month ago rather than his siblings? 

He collected his strength and stood up again, hissing as the pain shot from his amputated knee right to his temples, making him shut his eyes.

He needed to remove the leg... _after lunch,_ he said to himself

The descent seemed easier without the heavy bag he had been carrying before. As he entered the kitchen he could see that Clary and Simon had joined them.

"Alec," they greeted him, together.

"Guys…," and he went to the sink to fill the jugs, "are you doing okay?"

That question sounded awkward as if Alec had never left, never had an accident and lost his leg, as if it was one of the many Sunday they'd spent there together.

"You know, Alec. I'm a bit envious. I've always dreamed of having removable limbs as Jeeg Robot, the ones that you can randomly attach to your body when you need them...," his voice had turned uncertain in the end, had he pushed it too far this time?

Alec closed the tap feeling lighter, a smile slowly creeping on his face, then bursting into a loud, wholehearted laugh, dispelling all of Simon's fears and doubts. "I missed you man," he said, "...and yes…I'm pretty cool, aren't I?"

He closed the distance between them and pushed Simon into a tight embrace whispering in his ears, "Thank you, buddy, I needed this. Take care of Izzy, will you?"

Simon patted Alec on his back, nodding into the embrace.

As they sat Alec pierced Clary's cheek and winked, smiling. 

"So what's for lunch?" he asked, taking the knife to spread some butter on the toasted bread.

"Clary made all her special sandwiches," Jace answered taking his seat beside Alec and opening the icy beer Izzy had just left between them.

"The spicy chicken wrap too? " Alec asked.

"Double dose. Just for you, Alec" Clary answered placing two oval flowered plates filled with sandwiches of all sorts in the middle of the table. Alec rubbed his hands together in excitement.

"Welcome home Alec," she added, "We all missed you."

Alec had saved her relationship with Jace many times, after a rough time in the beginning. Since the moment she had conquered his trust, he had fought Jace's insecurities beside her, gently coaxing him to open his heart to her and lower his walls, little by little, piece by piece. 

"I missed you too guys, more than I can explain in words, I'm glad to be home. Let's eat now, I'm literally starving."

The lunch passed quickly, joking and laughing, Alec realizing that Izzy had moved to Simon just a week before and that Clary had practically moved in while she and Jace started to search for a new home.

"You should take mum and dad's room," he suddenly told Jace, turning the noisy table into silence.

Jace looked at him, puzzled.

Alec was the only one still chewing, "I mean...Max is sleeping at the campus all the time, Izzy has already gone away, there's no need to search for another place."

"This is your home too," Jace said.

Alec caught his hand in his palm and squeezed it.

"And it will always be our home, Jace, but I'm alone again and more also, I was thinking about moving to the lake house."

"Alone?" they all almost shouted.

Alec raised his brows. 

"Yes, alone. You all know I have always been in love with that place. That house has no stairs and there's the lake, so I can do my swimming exercises each day. I can take care of myself well enough, even if I start working again, I will enjoy driving back and forth."

"But Alec…," Jace tried again.

"It's fine, Jace. I'm fine. I'll move as soon as I'll be able to drive again on my own." He took his amber filled glass and raised it up, "To change," he said waiting for the others to follow him.

"Speaking about changes Alec…," Izzy started with a low unsteady voice, "...ehm...me and Simon are getting married...in a month,...ah...I wanted to tell you on the phone but...with all that was going on,... I…thought you had something more important on your mind."

Alec lowered his glass and placed it on the table, turning on his side to stand up and go to Izzy's chair.

He cupped her face, staring at her, his gaze almost breaching her skin, then kissed her on her head, "There's nothing more important than you being happy. This is the best news I had in a while, Izzy."

Then he turned to Simon, pointing his finger, "Be careful how you treat her buddy, or I will kick your ass with my disposable leg!"

A burst of laughter filled the room, they were all together again, being there for each other, with so many life turns to share. That was _family,_ Alec thought.

As they all cleared the table Alec felt his stump literally burn inside the prosthesis.

"Guys, I need to remove my leg and hydrate the skin, maybe lie down for a while too," he felt so uneasy, it was so unusual for him to ask for some rest in the middle of the day, "...so I'm going upstairs…" and moved toward the steps.

His bed was, _ah yes_ , so comfortable. He hadn't laid in such a good mattress for months.

Alec slowly removed his cotton pants and then proceeded to remove his lower leg.

The stump was red and hot, _too long,_ Alec admitted and this thought made his heart skip a beat, again.

_Surgery._ How could he do that again if he wasn't able to stand on it even if it had been not so many hours?

He cursed himself for leaving the massage oil in the luggage cause now he needed to stand again. He planted all his weight on his left leg and stood up again. He had trained so much and worked so hard on his balance, that now he could jump on one foot if the distance he had to cover wasn't that long.

As he lied again he poured a good amount of oil in his palms and started to massage the skin on his stump. It hurt, itched, and burned. He kept on tracing smoothing circles around his knee until the uncomfortable sensations receded.

"Alec?" Jace knocked on the door and it was so peculiar since he had always had the bad habit of breaking into Alec's room without any warning.

He covered his legs with the sheets, "Come in."

Alec giggled as his head went to the time Jace caught him _watching_ a gay porn movie. On that night, Jace couldn't sleep, so he went to Alec and discovered the reason why his gorgeous, in-demand brother had never had a girl.

"Thanks for knocking," he said.

Jace smirked. "Can I sit?"

"Sure," and he shifted a little on the bed to leave space to his brother.

Jace sat then raised his legs on the bed, leaning on the headboard and crossing his arms on his chest.

They remained silent and still until Jace talked.

"You know it's not necessary, right? Pretending everything is okay and moving alone there...I…"

"I'm not pretending Jace, I'm trying to start living again. You want to know if I'm okay? I'm not. Well, sometimes I am, and sometimes I'm not, but...what else can I do? I need to build a new version of myself and I don't know where to start from…"

"Does it hurt?"

"What? The stump or my heart?"

Jace sighed.

"They hurt both I guess…"

"I want to be there for you Alec. Let me, please."

Alec turned to look at him.

"I know you do, but I need time. I'm not ready yet, Jace. To let you in into my pain, to share all this, to allow you all to see my body again. That's why I need to go to the lake house. I have to accept myself first."

Jace nodded silently, understanding.

"Just, don't close yourself off,...okay?" 

Alec smiled at him, "I'll try."

"So, new car tomorrow and lessons?"

"Yeah...I...ehm, Jace, I need to work out a bit now...ehm…"

Jace chuckled and moved to stand up from the bed.

"See you later, Alec," and with these words, he left the room.

  
  
  


"You're doing great Alec," Raphael told him while they were trying the car in the small circuit behind the showroom.

Raphael's showroom was different from all the others. He sold cars for disabled persons and had a small track on the back, where people could try them until they found the best solution, or where they could take lessons until they felt safe enough to drive alone again in the streets.

Alec had chosen a special modified automatic car, where the accelerator pedal had been moved to the left side of the brake, and which also had hand controls on the wheel.

He had wanted both. The hand control had been natural to him, after so many years spent on playing the piano, and knowing how to control and make his fingers move independently. Using the left leg to accelerate had been a little more difficult, but thanks to the daily training, he had gained confidence. The movements weren't automatized yet, he still had to _think_ about what he was doing, but his skills were improving with each day that passed.

"I think that by the end of the week you'll be able to give it a try on the street," Raphael told him.

Raphael was an intriguing figure. He seemed surly and obnoxious at a first sight, he barely talked and seldom smiled, but Alec got along with him easily. He immediately attuned to him and recognized that behind that harsh armor, he had a kind heart, which was always willing to help the ones who were in need. He guided people in choosing the best car for them and helped them learn to drive again as a father would do with his newborn baby.

"Thank you, Raphael. I'm glad, three more lessons to go."

"And once you've found the definitive limb, the one that really suits you, we can try to drive a normal car, ...but you need to find _the one_ first. _"_

Alec's mind didn't go to the car. He thought about love and Andrew, and the fact that probably there would have never been " _the one"_ for him anymore, not now. The body that he once loved so much, was now the thing he wanted to forget most.

"All good?" Raphael asked while staring at him.

"Uhm, yeah sure. I'm sorry I was thinking about what you said, that's all."

"Did you see the prosthetist again?"

"Ah, yes. we found something that could maybe allow me to stand for a little longer, but he said it takes time to find the perfect match between skin, muscles' tone, and material. This one should be better, but he told me not to get carried away too much in anticipation… oh, look Simon is waiting for me there."

Alec got out of the car. It was a good sensation, being in control of something again. Maybe Luke had been right, things will be coming into place soon.

"Simon...," Alec waved his hand.

"Let's go, Alec, come on, we’re running late.”

“I’d join too if I hadn’t two other appointments here,“ Raphael shouted back to him, and then turned to Alec, “Look at him, he’s so excited, like a child.”

“If I was the one getting married to my sister, I'd be too,” Alec chuckled, “and a little scared maybe, but Simon seems to get along well. They’re good for each other.”

“Yes, they are.”

“So tomorrow same hour?” Alec asked.

“Same hour, yes.”

They parted and Alec reached Simon, getting into the car with him. He was smiling widely.

“I guess your lessons are going good?” Simon said as the car slowly got out from the showroom circuit and headed toward the highway. They had an appointment at the clothes shop in half an hour.

“They are, yes, it feels so good, Simon, to be independent in some ways.”

Simon turned just a fraction of a second before speaking again, pondering his words, “Alec...you ...have you ever taken a moment to look at you? You never ask for anything, you wake up and make breakfast for everyone, you wash, you do laundry, is there anything you don't do? Just because we know what happened, but I bet that no one seeing you from the outside could ever guess you have an amputated limb.”

The real true words were finally out in the open.

Alec inhaled a breath, short but not filled with anger or resentment, “Thank you, Simon,” he said.

“What for?”

“Being able to say that without falling apart. Sometimes I am even afraid to name things for what they really are.”

“And you shouldn’t. I mean, if it’s you, if you are the one who’s not ready to talk about all of this, then it’s okay. Well, no. It’s not okay. You should find someone to open up with, but if you’re holding back for us, for Izzy, Jace and Max, don’t. They are more than ready to hear it all and to be there, to contain you, and hold you, if you should ever fall apart. So maybe, you’re the one who feels like falling apart talking about it?”

Alec licked his lips, slowly, thinking about the words that Simon had just told him.

“I might, I don’t know. I…it’s difficult…”

“...you’ll find the one, Alec.”

“Uhm?”

“...the one with whom words will come easy…”

Alec moved his head to look outside the window and had to blink twice, to focus again on the images that were running in front of his eyes.

They remained silent for the rest of the run and when they got down from the car Jace and Max were already there.

“All good?” Jace asked Alec putting an arm around his shoulders as they moved inside and Simon entered into the changing room to try his wedding tux.

“Yes, Jace, I… Raphael said I can try to drive by the end of the week so, yes, it feels great.”

“Will you be moving then? As you said?” and Alec’s heart tightened in his chest at the pleading implicit tone Jace had used, because he knew he was hoping Alec had changed his mind.

“Ah… I think so, yes. I’ll retrieve my new prosthesis then directly go to the lake house,” and Jace sighed, sadly and knowingly.

“Alec if it’s because of Clary being there…”

“Jace,” Alec grabbed his brother’s hands in his, "it’s not you, nor Izzy or Max, or Clary, it’s me. I still don’t feel comfortable going around the house with my stump on display, but I can’t wear my prosthesis for the whole day...it’s…Jace, I still have to figure so many things out, and I need to do that alone. This doesn’t mean I won’t come to visit you or go out with you or…”

“Promise me you’ll call me, if ever things get bad, promise me you won’t try to deal with all that shit alone, Alec,” and Alec nodded, forcing a reassuring smile.

Friday arrived more quickly than Alec had expected. He didn’t know if he was really ready to drive that car to the lake house, alone. Luke had offered to talk to him on the phone, but Alec told him that it would have been better to focus only on driving, so they had agreed on Alec calling everyone, once he’d got there safe.

Raphael had wanted to volunteer in following him with his car, something that he usually did when people took their new cars from the showroom for the first time, but Alec said no. To be honest, it was exactly the answer he was expecting from Alec. For the little time he had the chance to know him he understood that asking for help wasn’t easy for him. Alec had insisted that soon he needed to be able to drive to the hospital alone, so the more he got used to that, the more he would feel safe, and Raphael had accepted that, never overstepping, conscious that some things took time.

The day was warm and the car’s windows were down. Alec had decided to pick up the car very early in the morning because he wanted to drive to the lake before the traffic increased. He looked at the road right in front of him, vast and lonely, he pressed light at first on the gas, and the car started to move swiftly along the empty carriageway. Then he pressed down harder, hearing the engine roar in response. 

He was driving entranced as if he was undergoing a ritual as if this drive was a sort of passage that kicked off the start of his new life. He knew where he was coming from, but the destination was still a mystery. 

The new limb wasn’t comfortable at all, it hurt as it embraced his stump and at the end of the day his skin was always torn. 

_It takes time_ , they told him. How much time though?

Was he really starting a new life, or was he just escaping from his old one? The one that was gone forever. 

_Maybe both_ , he thought. 

He needed to go to the hospital and talk to the Board, but at the same time, he didn’t want to face Andrew. What he told him came back to his mind, the way he said he’d only used him, those words had felt like daggers.

When buildings turned into trees, he eased on the gas and slowed down. He put on the radio and the strumming of guitars filled the car, followed by the sound of a harmonica, and then came the voice, and Alec found himself singing along, his tuneless voice raging out of the open window and into the forestry landscape. 

He parked and put the handbrake on, the sight of the blue lake hitting him, his heart stammering in his chest. 

The surface mirrored the sky above, both of them the kind of an impossibly bright blue. Alec closed his eyes and listened to the breeze that ran over the rippled surface and on his heated skin. The air was fragranced with the pine trees that circled the lake, and Alec let that smell calm his racing heart. He removed his shirt, his trousers, and his new limb, leaving everything on the shore, on top of the pebbles, and threw himself in the cold water with a loud splash.

His body disappeared in the billows as he swam, merging with the waves. In the water, the burning of his skin lessened and he could feel his missing leg moving quickly to speed the movements, and for an instant, everything seemed the same, except for the fact that it wasn’t.

That night, for the first time, he woke to the roaring sound of an explosion in his head, as his mind was filled by confused and random images of blood, pieces of limbs, and screams. That was the first battle to win, let those memories possess him and disrupt him, until they found place inside his soul. 

The only way was _through_ , not _around_ , he had to drink that bitter cup to the bottom, walk the tunnel, until he could rise and be born again. 

He woke up and picked a notebook, as the therapist had suggested to him, and started to write down sounds and feelings, to draw scattered images, as silent tears finally found their way out, staining the sheet with small drops that smeared the ink. Then he sat at his old piano, and played, for the whole night, until he felt in peace again.

The days at the lake flew by filled with exercises, swims, reading, filling his dream journal, and playing the piano. The pain in his stump and the hopelessness came in waves, some days in higher peaks, some days in lower, some days shaking his body, other days leaving him dumb and motionless on the couch, not having even the strength to stand up and cook something. 

Some nights seemed longer and never-ending, short naps interspersed with nightmares and flashbacks, some others were quicker, especially the ones when he stayed awake reading or watching movies until the tiredness overcame him, and left him emptied and drained, of emotions and dreams alike.

The morning he had set the appointment with the Hospital Board he woke up early and swam for more than an hour. He felt nervous and worried. The drive was steady and unhurried, as he roleplayed in his mind all the possible questions and doubts, and reassurances that they may ask him.

Yes, he couldn’t perform surgery yet, because he still couldn’t stand on his leg for too long, but he could do research, and lead the lab. They had wanted him at the end of his graduation, they had searched for him, and pleaded him to work there, why wouldn’t they let him now?

He was hit by a rush of battling emotions as he walked into the window doors of the Hospital’s entrance and spent the whole elevator’s ascent trying to steady his errand breaths.

“Dr. Lightwood, we were waiting for you,” the Chief Medical Officer greeted him. There was the full Board staring at him as he entered and he suddenly felt uncomfortable and unsure of himself.

“I am glad you’re walking _on your legs_ , Dr. Lightwood.”

Hearing that hurt, a lot. Alec wanted to say something back, to answer, but the words got stuck in his mouth.

“So what can we do for you Dr. Lightwood?”

What could they do for him? What was that even supposed to mean? Wasn’t he working there? Alec tried to choose the best words to answer and not to stutter.

“I wanted to explain what are the things that I can still do....”

His words echoed in the huge room as a voice dropping into a deep well, cutting the thick room silence, until the Chief cleared his throat and told him, “You left your position here when you went to Indonesia, Dr. Lightwood.”

“I must object, Chief, the terms of our agreement were different. You said you were _freezing_ my position until I came back since no one could lead the research lab and perform the same surgeries that I…”

“That you can’t do anymore, that’s for sure. More also, we have found someone new.”

The words hit Alec worse than the bomb that shattered his limb. He felt his legs tremble as he whispered “I beg your pardon?”

“You’ve heard correctly, Dr. Lightwood. Dr. Underhill has taken your place as the Chief Neurosurgeon and Chief of the research lab. He told us you couldn’t carry out surgery anymore. Were you planning to tell us, or were you planning to come back here and put at risk the lives of so many people that come here to be helped?”

Alec could feel the rage and the shame rise in his chest. How could they ever think he would have lied to them?

“I would have **_never_ ** **,** **_never_ **performed surgery without being sure that I could endure it, and you all know that!” his voice raised even if that was the last thing he wanted to happen. 

“Alec, please. Don’t make things more difficult than what they already are…,” the man who’d been his mentor was now trying to make him understand that the Board had already made their choice and that there was nothing that he could do to change it.

Alec looked at him and then at the Board again.

“If you only had let me, I would have told you everything. I didn’t come here to cheat or deceive you. I can’t stand for many hours on my prosthetic limb, that’s true, as it is true that I am still the most qualified and skilled figure to lead the research lab. Dr. Underhill…,” his voice stumbled on the words, “...has never led any research project on his own…”

“He will soon, Dr. Lightwood. You’re dismissed. You are allowed to the ward to retrieve your belongings, we have prepared a box for you.”

“Fine,” he said, “but I’m taking my research projects with me too.”

“You can’t, Dr. Lightwood, they are property of the Hospital.”

“No, they are mine. I patented them before leaving for Indonesia, as you can read from these papers I will leave to your secretary. So be careful, because I will notice.”

He opened his sack and picked a paper from the inside, leaving it on the secretary’s desk beside him. Then he turned on his heels and walked out from the room, not greeting anyone, nor closing the door behind him.

His thoughts and emotions went haywire as he walked toward what once was _his_ ward. He could feel his heart pumping in his temples as he knocked on the head nurse’s room door.

“Alec…,” Aline greeted him, throwing her arms around his neck and breaking into noisy loud sobs. “how are you? Oh my God, I was so worried...They shouldn’t have done this to you...he shouldn’t have...I am so sorry…I… I hope you’re not mad at me, I wanted to call you and tell you, but… they forbade me to do that…”

“Aline, it’s okay, it’s not your fault and...I totally understand, I am okay... I think... At least I was until a moment ago... Is my box here?”

“Yes. Let me pick it,” and she went back into her room, coming out again with a large cardboard box in her hands.

“I need to go to the lab and pick my papers and files too,” Alec told her.

“Sure, Alec, I’ll come with you...he’ll probably be there.”

“Andrew?”

“Yes, him.”

"I hope not...I don't think I could stand to see him right now."

Aline pushed the buzzer of the lab and a young doctor came to open it.

"Alec," he said, "it's so great to see you here again, we all missed you so much. How are you?"

"I'm adjusting, Raj, but I'm good, thanks. I missed you all too. I...I came to pick up my projects' papers and files."

"Why?"

"I've been fired, or so it seems."

"What!?!?! Andrew told us it was just a temporary thing... until you'd be able to work again."

"Ah..., Andrew's reality is different and ever-changing, depending on whom he's talking to...may I?" he asked heading toward what once had been his office with a pen drive in his hand.

It felt strange, entering that room without a white coat on, sitting on that chair knowing that it was the last time he was allowed to do that.

He easily found the folder where all of his projects were and copied it in his pen drive when he heard a rustling sound coming from outside the door, _Andrew,_ because, yes, things could never get easier.

"Alec? What the hell do you think you're doing? This is my office now!"

"Hi, Andrew, nice of you to be so happy to see me and nice for asking me how I feel, you're really awesome." 

A small crowd gathered outside the room.

"Yes, this is your office now, but the research projects are mine, and I'm taking them with me. I am really eager to see what you'll come up to without all this," and he stood up from the chair as he removed the drive from the slot.

Andrew made a small gasp and was about to protest, but Alec handed him his phone, after having dialed the Board's secretary extension number.

"Board's Hospital how can I help you?" the voice spilled out from the speaker. 

"Ah, it's Lightwood. Can you explain to Dr. Underhill that I am allowed to take my files away with me?"

"Yes, Dr. Underhill, Dr. Lightwood is right. All the patent papers are deposited here."

Alec closed the call and proceeded to walk past Andrew, without saying a word.

"What are you all staring at?" Andrew shouted to the researchers and the doctors that were still around them, making them instantly disappear.

Alec had always considered his team an important, invaluable part of his job. He respected their opinion and their word, he trusted them and he valued them as individuals, he couldn't hold back anymore. 

"Were you planning to tell them that I would have never come back?" he shouted, "or were you just hoping that I would have died there, or that I was too ashamed to ever show up here anymore? Uhm? Tell me! Have you told them how considerate you have been in telling the Hospital Board that I would never be able to work again? Because of my leg? Tell me and tell them!"

"Don't make a big deal out of this, Lightwood, it's not my fault you chose to sacrifice yourself to go to Indonesia and ended up hurt and without a leg!"

Alec was flushed and panting and his eyes were red too, full of tears he was trying to push back, while Andrew instead was calm, steady, and glacial, with a devilish grin displayed on his pale face.

"It wasn't, you're right, and I don't regret for a moment the choice I made. I considered you _my friend…_ at least...and you betrayed me, you went to the Board and convinced them to give you what was my job!"

"I already told you on that phone call, Alec. This had always been my final goal, you just made it easier for me, coming back without a leg…"

"I...I can't be here anymore," Alec muttered and moved toward the door as quickly as he could, considering the box he had now grabbed from Aline's arms.

"Alec…," she tried to stop him, but he was already gone.

He went straight to the fire escape stairs cause he didn't want to see or meet anyone, he stumbled on the steps, forcing his knee to flex under the fury of his movements, letting the prosthesis scorch his skin and tear it, hoping that the pain there could balance the pain he was feeling inside.

He drove home fast, too fast, almost searching to crash into something and as he arrived at the lake he lurched toward the water, stripping his clothes off, as heavy and convulsive sobs shook his whole body. 

He cried out as the water washed over his bruised and shattered skin, swimming until he felt the air got stuck in his lungs.

_I could let myself swim until I have no strength left to come back_ … _it would be good, not feeling anything anymore, peace, some peace, not facing this excruciating loneliness…No one will ever want me, what...what will I do now?_

He didn't know how that happened, but he found himself lying on the pebbles, face down on the ground, crawling toward his pants, searching for his phone.

"Jace…," his voice was barely a whisper, followed by a sob.

Jace closed the call without even replying back and rushed into his car. When he arrived at the lake, one hour later, he found Alec sitting on the shore, his left leg crossed over the right one, his clothes wet.

He seemed lost, staring at the blue surface in front of him. His cheeks were still wet and his breaths were mixed with short low sniffs.

Jace sat next to him, "Thank you for calling me."

Alec swallowed twice. "I … truly took dying into consideration tonight…, even if just for an instant, I did..." words were spilling slowly and tangled out from his mouth, "..then I thought of what you told me, to call you...I …"

Jace's hand was on his back, his fingers skimming his shoulder blades back and forth.

"You saved me Jace…," and he turned into his brother's arms, hiding his head in Jace's neck, "Thank you for coming."

They passed the evening talking about the day that had just passed.

"I want to move on, Jace. I don't know where exactly this will take me. I want to start from where I have left...the hospital in Indonesia. I want to set up an association...and organize a fundraising event…"

Jace stood up and extended his hand to him. Alec easily pushed on his left leg and raised.

"God Alec,...how can you do that?" 

"Exercise, that's all…"

"Want me to stay for the night?"

"No, Jace. It's okay. I'm okay."

They hugged and parted, Jace getting into the car, and Alec waving his hand until his brother was out of sight.

Alec took the phone in his hand.

"Raphael?"

"Alec...is everything all right?"

"Yes, yes. Ah, I wanted to ask you...is that room still available at your showroom?"

"Yes, sure. Why?"

"I need a place to set up a humanitarian association, for the hospital I was starting in Indonesia, I want to organize a fundraising event."

"Indonesia, you said?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I know someone who will love to help! Come tomorrow and we will talk about this!"

"I will, thanks!"

What a rollercoaster that day had been! Alec was again surprised by the unpredictable and incredible turning of the events. Two hours before he was that close to giving up, and now, he had _plans._

Life... surprising, amazing, incredible life.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. The Best Things Happen Unexpectedly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next, don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart… where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.” - Everwood

Alec got up feeling relaxed and rested, despite the nightmare that had made him wake up in the middle of the night two times, taking his dream journal to write and then going to the piano to play a little calming music.

The flashbacks were still there, but the emotions he felt were different. He didn’t feel hopeless anymore, nor lost. He tried to convey those feelings in the words he wrote and in the pencil sketches he traced, finally staring at his vivid dreams without feeling the urge to run away.

He went swimming before getting dressed and going to Raphael’s showroom to check the place he was giving him for his humanitarian project.

The drive to the city was fluid, smooth, similar to the ones he used to have when he had finished a hard shift at the hospital. 

When he arrived, Raphael was already waiting for him outside of the showroom, wearing a satisfied expression on his face as he saw Alec fluidly maneuvring the car inside the park and stepping out of it easily, with a wide smile on his face.

“You look better,” Raphael told him, “did something happen?”

Alec curved his lip up just on one side, “Death happened. Wish of death. Then life happened, again.”

“I could tell that you were walking on that edge, as a funambulist, but I didn’t want to overstep our boundaries. I recognized the expression on your face when you took the car from here, the same one I saw in many men and women who came before you, and some of them, never came back.” 

Alec stood silent, reflecting on those words.

“Don’t you ever feel guilty for not stopping them?” he finally asked and Raphael sighed, deeply, a sad hue shading his gaze.

“Always. I always blame myself for not having done enough. But life has taught me that to change, people have to meet you halfway. I send cues, say things, call and check to ask if everything is okay,...I call and talk about the cars, but it’s a way to let people know that I’m here if they ever need me…”

“As you did with me…”

“Yes, as I did with you. I am glad you grasped the thread of life, Alec. Follow me, I’ll show you the room we were talking about and then we’ll call Magnus, my Indonesian friend.”

“Magnus? Magnus Bane? The famous cello player?”

“Yes, the man himself.”

“Are you kidding me? I… wanted to buy a ticket for his last concert before leaving but it was sold out. How…”

Raphael opened the door of the room and led the way, walking toward the window to open the thick grey curtains, while he kept talking to Alec, “Magnus and I have been friends since we were teens. I’ve never had a friend before my path crossed his. I had just moved to New York, a new town, a new school, a new home… I felt so alone and scared, and you have seen yourself that I’m not that extrovert at first sight. Magnus is one year older than me, he was the most popular guy of the school, and for some reason still unbeknownst to me, he took me under his wing since the very first day, and I’ve never been lonely again. He moved back here last month, from London I mean. Alec...Alec?”

Raphael turned to look behind and found Alec lost in his thoughts, looking around the wide sunny room, with an incredulous smile on his face.

“Alec?”

“Yes, yes, I’m here, Raphael. I ...this room is perfect and… I can’t stop thinking about Magnus Bane… I am really honored to meet him.”

“Now you explain it to me. How does a thirty-something guy ever happen to know Magnus and wants to go to one of his concerts? I mean… it’s not that common, you must admit.”

“I know. I’ve always played the piano, but cello …. Has a charm that it’s incomparable.”

Raphael nodded, “I agree, the sound that comes from the cello’s chords it’s heavenly.”

Alec looked around the room again. “Do you think I can paint the walls and …"

Raphael was right beside him, taking his hand and closing his fingers around the keys, "It's yours, Alec, you can do with this whatever you want and... don't even think about paying me for this, because I know where your mind went, I am happy to help you in this. Now let's call Magnus, come on."

Alec's heart was beating a little faster when Raphael dialed the number. 

"Magnus? Is this a bad moment?"

"Hey, Raphael, no absolutely not."

The voice of a nightingale, soft but alive, high-pitched but not strident.

"I'm here with Alec, the doctor I told you about."

"Hi, Alec, I'm Magnus."

Alec's heart accelerated a little more.

"Alec. I'm Alec and...I can't tell you how much I am excited that you've decided to take part in this."

"It's my pleasure, really! Raphael gave me a little information and I was immediately happy to participate."

"Okay then, Magnus. When can you come and meet Alec?"

Alec heard the sound of turning pages in the background.

"I know it's old fashioned, but I still keep my agenda on paper. I'm leaving tomorrow and will be back on Friday. Maybe Saturday morning? If Alec isn't working?"

Alec felt a cold hand wrapping his throat, blocking the way out to his words. Then he forced himself to answer a "Yeah, fine."

"Good then. I'll meet you at the showroom right?"

"Yes, Magnus. You'll find Alec here. Ah...I'm sorry I won't be able to join you when you come, I'll give you Alec's number just in case, okay?"

"Sure, see you on Sat, Alec."

"Bye, Magnus. See you."

Raphael slid the phone in his back pocket and added, "I've promised Simon I would have gone with him to see the wedding tux, they're fixing it."

"Yeah, yeah, Jace told me." Alec seemed a bit  _ off  _ .

"I haven't told him anything, if this is what's bothering you, Alec. I would have never done it. It's not my story to tell. He knows you're Simon's friend, that's all."

All the tension fell from Alec's shoulders, a nervousness he wasn't even aware he'd been holding.

"Though there's nothing to be ashamed of, Alec. Magnus is the kind of person to whom you can tell almost everything and he will be there for you and love you anyway. He has a precious, rare heart."

Alec didn't know what to say. He wasn't ashamed of himself, not anymore. He was afraid of pity. That was a thing he didn't want from the others. He just wanted to meet Magnus as a  _ normal guy  _ . He wanted to be only  _ Alec  _ and that's all. Not  _ Alec  _ \- the one without a lower leg. He couldn't stand the idea of people being kind to him because of what happened.

"I believe you, Raphael, his music is as special. I will keep that in mind and I will find the right time to tell him. Thanks anyway."

The next morning Alec unloaded the car, putting on the ground two different cans of colored wall paint- blue, a light but intense tone, and a vivid green. Then he took the telescopic ladder, the rollers, and the plastic transparent sheets to cover the floor. 

Raphael waved his hand from the inside and Alec started to carry the wall paint cans inside. He was challenging himself again, trying to stand for a whole day on his prosthetic limb, to see if he had made some progress.

When he was lifting the ladder he felt something tugging at it. He turned expecting to see Raphael, though he was wondering why he hadn't called him, and found...Jace, grabbing the other end of the ladder and smiling, wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and a grey t-shirt.

“What are you doing here?” Alec asked, “aren’t you supposed to be at the office right now?”

“I took a day off,” he answered as if it was the most natural thing to say. “What?” he said looking back at his brother who was staring at him, his brows up to his forehead, “were you really thinking I would have let you have all the fun?”

Alec’s brows curved inside, forming that too well-known judging wrinkle, “Jace, it wasn’t necessary.”

“I know...it’s not necessary...and...DON’T- don’t you dare think I did this out of commiseration, cause I will punch you right in the gut, and I won’t go easy on you, okay? Put that stupid, absurd thought out of that sturdy head, I’m here to enjoy myself and to help my brother to paint his dream. Okay?”

Few warm teardrops gathered in the inner corner of Alec’s eyes, as his smile grew wide on his cheeks. His brother, who knew him better than anyone, had touched just the right painful spot.

“I’ll get the ladder then, and climb on it,” Alec said, tearing it from Jace’s hands and securing it under his left arm.

“You and your competitive, stubborn, immeasurable ego.”

“What? Are you trying to highlight the hugeness of my ego when yours is practically overlapping and overstepping the whole family ones?”

They were laughing, just as they had always done in years, in the good days and the bad ones, their hearts so close to each other, that they could talk just with their eyes, and understand their thoughts and feelings from just one slight, imperceptible move.

“Come on, jerk, step inside, and let’s see who finishes the first wall in less time.”

It was almost 7 in the evening when Jace stepped down from the ladder, looking at Alec that was lying on the floor, his stomach flat on the warm parquet, as he was refining the angles and the straight line just above the plinth.

Then he rolled on his left side, pushing his weight on his elbow and lifting himself on his left knee. Then he placed a hand on the chair beside him and stood up.

"Ah ... that's why you put it there for...I was wondering…"

"Luke has taught me to have always a disposable object beside me, so I can use it as leverage if I ever need it."

Then he hissed, a sharp intake of breath, as he placed the prosthesis on the floor, the pain skyrocketing from his stump to his brain. 

"You could have asked…"

Alec turned to look at him, he wasn't angry or annoyed, more resigned.

"Do you know," he began, brushing his palms on his thighs, "how many times I have fallen walking only on my left leg or...have you ever asked yourself how do I exit from the water after I swim? I crawl...until I can put all my strength into my arms and left knee and stand…., and DON'T, please don't ever take pity on me or feel sorry for having not noticed this, because I know what you're thinking. I told you this only because now you know that I need to do that on my own, to become better and better…"

The tears were burning on Jace's cheeks, tears that he had been pushing back since the night Alec had called them, tears of sorrow, love, guilt, and hope. Jace found it hard to accept that life had to be so unjust toward one of the kindest and best human beings, and he found it even harder to stand aside and watch his brother struggle and writhe, without doing anything. 

By the end of his specular speech, Alec stood beside him and closed his arms around him, tightly, "Thank you for sharing this with me," and he kissed Jace's hair, just as he used to do when they were kids and Jace came home with a bruised knee, as if time had turned back magically, then continued, "...I know how hard it is for you, I know you would cut your own leg right now and give it to me if you could, but that's not how things go. It's my mountain to climb and... it's more than enough doing it with you by my side."

He brushed his lips one more time on his brother's hair.

"Come on now, let's go home, I'll stay for dinner, okay?"

Jace disentangled from his arms, a bit surprised by Alec's statement, and wiped his eyes on his arm. 

"Are you comfortable enough to drive back home alone to the lake at night?"

"I don't know, Jace, but I have to try sooner or later, and if I ever feel scared or lost, I'll call you, and you'll keep me company, okay?"

Jace smiled and nodded. Alec looked at the walls, bathed by the warm golden light of the twilight sun. The light blue and the green were spreading a peaceful, serene atmosphere around, reminding him of those breathtaking sunsets he saw in Indonesia, where nature sang her powerful chant at each rise and fall of the sun, and Alec just thought it was perfect, the perfect day to a new beginning.

"Now let's go buy some groceries and cook something good for Clary. Call Izzy and Simon too, we've made a pretty badass work here today, the place looks amazing, we need to celebrate!"

He wrapped his arms around Jace's shoulder playfully.

"Now...if you're really willing to help, carry me bridal style?" and when Jace bent down to take him Alec pulled back, "don't you dare, I was just teasing you…"

Jace stopped in his tracks, turned serious, and said back "You deserve to find someone who picks you up with love and gentleness and lay you down on softer ground. And when you'll find him...I'll kick your butt if you won't let him do it!"

Alec cooked for his family, they called Max who was at the campus, sharing with him the pictures of the room and some images of Alec and Jace covered in paint.

The drive home was smooth. Despite driving at night wasn't something he loved doing, since it reminded him of his parents, of their sudden death on a warm night who was supposed to be all cuddles and happiness, on this particular day Alec felt the need to push his limits and fears aside, and do what Luke told him in the worst days of his recovery time, -- _ when you feel that need it means you're ready, so follow it  _ \-- and he did.

By Saturday morning the room was ready, Alec had hung printed photographs of the places where he had been and of the hospital and the village. He had placed a small wooden table beside the window, just to place his laptop on and a bookshelf. It was enough, to begin with.

He arrived early that morning, kicked off from his bed by a strange feeling of excitement and anxiety. He looked at his watch and realized Magnus Bane was about to arrive. 

He was feeling a bit nervous. But why? There wasn't any reason to feel like that, Raphael had told him so.

The phone rang in his pocket, it was Magnus.

"Hey, Magnus?"

"Yes, Alec I have just parked inside the showroom, but I don't know exactly where to go, can you ….?

Suddenly a tall slender guy was standing outside the door of a short building on the left side of the circuit, waving his hand in the air.

Magnus closed the call and gave him a scrutinizing look from the distance, while he was slowly approaching him. Raphael hadn't mentioned at all that Alec was handsome, more than that to be honest.

God, the man was beautiful, Alec thought. He remembered he had seen him in some magazines but pictures didn't do him justice. He was gorgeous, his figure swaying in the morning sun, a bright smile glowing on his face.

By the time he was standing in front of Alec, they were both smiling sheepishly, looking into each other's eyes. In the extraneity of that new meeting, they both felt something strangely familiar, something that cracked inside of them, like an egg waiting for the right signal to break just at the right moment and let the new life peek out. Either felt it at the same time and recognized the feeling in each other's eyes.

"I'm... Magnus," he said offering Alec his hand.

"I'm Alec...follow me," he stepped aside, putting all his weight on his left leg and let Magnus walk in.

The colors and the images hanging on the walls immediately caught Magnus' attention...his homeland, his childhood, his memories…

Alec didn't miss the raptured gaze Magnus had while looking around.

"You recognize some of the places?"

"I recognized the shades, the lights and the colors, and the traces of life you have captured in those images, they feel like  _ home  _ to me, Alec. It's been years since I had the chance to go back there and stroll around those small villages with no specific purpose. I've been in Jakarta more than once to hold some concerts, but... I miss the surroundings, the rice fields, the mountains, all of it."

Alec understood Magnus perfectly, what Magnus had just said, was what he was missing most, what had made him fall in love with that place.

"It's a wonderful country, it has stolen my heart…"

Magnus turned and looked at him still leaning on the door's threshold, arms crossed on his chest, a genuine shining smile in his face.

"So...I was waiting for you to order some breakfast... coffee and…? Croissants?"

"...oh I was hoping you hadn't had breakfast too, to be honest, I'm starving..." and he giggled, "...yes thank you, perfect choice Alec."

He paused a second, a thought passing through his mind and asked, "Is it Alec as in Alexander or just Alec?"

"Alec as in Alexander, you can call me whatever, I don't mind. Usually, my siblings use my long name when they are angry at me," and he laughed softly.

Alec walked slowly to the chair on the other side of the table, and sat, stretching his injured leg under it.

Magnus seemed not intentioned to lower his gaze, not even Alec, both caught in a time frame, until Magnus broke the silence with a light chuckle and said, "I'm sorry Alexander, I don’t usually stare at people in silence as I am doing now, it’s just that… I wasn’t expecting you to be this handsome…,” and he covered his face with both of his hands, “oh my God, what did I just say?”

Alec laughed, it was so easy, easier than ever, more natural than any other time, “The same words I wanted to tell you, I think the same of you. Raphael should have warned me…,” and laughed again.

Magnus’ laugh melted with Alec’s one as he removed his hands and looked at him again, “Exactly! He cheated!”

As they were laughing they heard a knock on the door.

“Ah, must be our breakfast,” Alec said and he stood up, warning Magnus with his hand not to take out his wallet, “Let me, please. You’ll have plenty of occasions to pay me back if we ever decide to cooperate on this project.”

Magnus followed Alec’s movements to the door… his walk seemed somehow uncertain, Magnus wasn’t sure. Probably Alec had just a sprained ankle or had injured himself playing soccer? He really looked like someone who could play soccer.

“I should have thought about bringing cups and a tray,” he said while sitting back on his chair, “it’s not the best welcome and… I’m not that good at hosting.”

“It’s perfect the way it is, Alexander. I might travel a lot and sleep in fancy places too, but the simplest things are still the ones that I cherish most,” Magnus said, giving a mouthful bite to his croissant. At the same moment, a bit of blueberry jam dripped from the pastry, sliding along his lower lip, without Magnus noticing it.

Alec pointed at his mouth, handing him the handkerchief, “your lip…,” he muttered through his barely open mouth, and when the other still wasn't getting it, he leaned and was about to clean it.

Right then Magnus realized and licked the jam away with his tongue, leaving Alec staring, mesmerized.

The atmosphere was awkward again, but in a funny, relaxed way, something Alec had never experienced before. It was Magnus again that boosted the conversation and removed them from the quicksand.

“Okay, let’s talk about your project, Alec. How did it happen that you decided to start a hospital in Indonesia?”

“Ah..., I … I always wanted to be a doctor to help people. I mean my job here was wonderful, but it felt as if something was missing so when the opportunity came, I presented an international project to start a hospital in this small village near Ranu Pame, just beside the mountains and I won it. I’ve been there for six months until… I had an accident and needed to stop and come back…”

Alec looked into the cup of coffee and waited for Magnus to say something, hoping he wouldn’t ask him too many details.

“Oh, I’m sorry Alec. Have you recovered?”

“Pretty much so…,” Alec answered, “...anyway, I want to collect some more money to buy all the machinery missing and… maybe build and open a school too? That’s why I thought about fundraising…"

"I could give a concert for your association and all the incomes could go to the hospital and the village…"

Alec dropped the croissant and the coffee, eyes gaping at Magnus, his heart beating incredibly fast.

"Would you do that? For real?"

Magnus seemed surprised by his reaction.

"What did you think I came here for? Music is my talent and the only thing I can share and offer you as a help. My music, my art, that's all I have."

"Magnus it’s... it's much more than I could ever ask from you. It would have been more than enough if you just...would have been up to become a sponsor image for us...I...Raphael told me you have a kind heart...I...I'm out of words…"

Magnus placed his hand on the one Alec's had rested on the table and squeezed it, gently.

"Indonesia is my birthplace, my roots, what I am now and what I have become, everything has started there. But there's more...if you're willing to listen…."

Alec nodded, giving him time to sip a little more coffee and then resume his talking.

"I grew up in a small village near Jakarta, with my mum. She worked in rice fields and we lived in a small wooden house near the Batang river. We were poor and had barely enough to eat and survive. My father left one day to find a job in the big city and never came back. I couldn't go to school, but fortunately, my mum was one of the few who could read and write and taught me the first things, until one day...she got sick, she needed a kidney transplant to survive."

He paused again, drinking some more coffee and trying to steady his frantic heart, and to regulate his raging emotions.

"We had no money for the transplant, nor anything. Then, when all our hopes were gone, that doctor came to my village, I still remember his face and his name, Ragnor Fell. He was English and he was a volunteer of an NGO. He came to our house and visited my mum, arranged our transfer to the USA, where my mum got her new kidney and survived. She turned 60 last summer. He saved her life and my life too. I would have been a lonely orphan if it hadn't been for him. That's why I want to help you because you're just like him. You're saving other kids and families from death, misery, and loneliness. It's my way to return the world the love and the blessing I have been gifted with."

Alec's eyes were glistening and his lips were trembling, he was stunned, confused, and happy at the same time.

"I...I don't know what to say, Magnus"

"Yes, just say yes."

The moment was so intimate and delicate, a turning of the events which Alec's wasn't prepared for.

"Of course I say yes, yes to everything."

"Monday it is, then!"

"Ugh? Monday? What? I…"

"You said yes to everything. Monday is my next upcoming concert. Come and listen, I will play some of my favorite and best pieces. So you can see and choose some. Then, of course, I can play for you others until we find the perfect setlist for the fundraising event. Sounds good?"

"Your concert? For real?"

"I'm the one playing so, yes, for real."

Alec's smile reached his ears and they started to plan the event, Magnus showing Alec on his phone some theatres they could hire for the concert and Alec showing Magnus all the list of the things he wanted to do with the money they were going to gather.

Time flew by quickly and soon it was afternoon. They had ordered some sandwiches for lunch, too caught up in the planning, and the talk to quit.

Finally, Magnus checked his phone and realized he had his usual room booked for the rehearsal in half an hour. He jumped up from the chair grabbing his jacket, "Oh it's so late!!!! I didn't notice, Alexander. I need to go. I have to rehearse ….for the concert…," and he was already at the door, opening it quickly.

"Oh, sure, of course."

"Monday, then, okay? Thanks for everything, bye Alexander."

"Ah, bye…," and in less than a minute Magnus was gone, the door closing behind him, leaving Alec with his cheeks slightly red and a warm feeling inside his heart, and for the first time since he lost his leg, he could say he felt happy, truly happy.

He had his event planned, a probable income that would allow him to buy new supplies, he had Magnus who was willing to play for him and to help him organize the event, and...he had an invitation!?!?!

He felt the warmness spread from his face to his heart. What had just happened in that common, unspecial, trash Saturday? A sparkle, a small, imperceptible sparkle was shining again in his heart.

And that sparkle had a name, Magnus Bane.

"Jace?"

"Hey, Alec. How did it go?" and Alec started to tell him how Magnus was willing to help, the things they had planned, how they had thought to organize the fundraising, how kind and amazing Magnus was, smart, brave, generous…

"You like him," Jace blurted out, more like an affirmation than a question.

"What? No!"

"No, as yes!" and he laughed, he knew Alec so well, his -- _ absolutely yes disguised as an absolutely no  _ \--.

"Listen, Jace, it's … for the fundraising okay? We want to organize the best event to sell all the tickets…, and on that note, he invited me to his upcoming concert, on Monday…," Alec's voice was so joyful that Jace could have grasped his thoughts without even looking at him in his face. 

He liked Magnus, a lot. Jace was sure about that and no one could ever convince him otherwise.

"He invited you? This Monday? Woah, buddy sounds like a date!"

"Jace…, it's not a date, it's a concert."

"But he invited you!"

"To listen and choose the songs he has to play."

"Could have just given you a pen drive. I mean, Alec, there could have been different ways to do that, but he wanted you there so this must mean something…"

"Jace, stop. As far as I know about him he could be into women…"

"And men too, this thing I know for sure, Simon told me."

"Simon what?" Alec felt his heart racing faster at the unexpected and very welcomed news.

"Yesterday evening we were talking about Magnus- me and Simon. He has done some research with Raphael, since he told him that Magnus needed someone to take care of him and love him as he deserved, so we thought about you…"

"You did what!?!?!! Are you crazy? I... it's absurd! He… he doesn't...and I...I don't…"

"Okay. Now tell me that you don't like him, and I will stop." 

Silence.

"Ahah! Now I want to know more. How is he?"

Alec remained silent, thinking about what he liked most, but he couldn't narrow his choice to one single thing.

"Oh, man! You're already there?"

"There? Where?"

"Alec, do you remember the first night I went out on a date with Clary?"

Alec smiled and nodded on the phone, of course, he remembered that. He felt something between an elder brother, a father, and a mother.

"Do you remember when you asked me what I liked most about her and I couldn't choose and answer?"

"Yes, I do remember that. Why? What all this has to do with the question you just asked me?"

"You don't really remember what you told me?"

Jace waited, patiently, for the memories to fill Alec's mind again, until he heard him breathe heavily on the other side of the phone and giggled, knowing that Alec had reached him.

"You had been right that night, Alec, and you know that. It was exactly that. That I couldn't choose because everything about her seemed just perfect to me. Now...drag your ass down here and tell me everything while we go shopping. You need to buy something new to wear for the concert."

"But Jace…," Alec knew it was a lost battle, as it always was with his siblings and especially Jace. They were two sides of the same coin, so different and so close at the same time, so far away and so complementary, both knowing and understanding in advance the place where the other one was staying.

"Okay, okay...I'm coming…," and he stood up, closing the door behind him and sending a quick grateful message to Raphael, who unintentionally, or maybe not, had gifted him an ace for the fundraising and the hope of something very new.

Monday evening arrived sooner than Alec had expected. Well, of course only two days had passed since Magnus invited him, but the awareness of having something to do that night had left Alec dizzy for the whole day.

He swam, three times for more than an hour because he needed that grounding sensation that only the water could give him. Between the waves, he felt free, relaxed and he felt whole. In the water his body responded to him in the same way it had always done, he wasn't feeling different and the sound of the rolling squashes around him was the perfect embrace for his errand and quivering thoughts.

He couldn't avoid thinking about what Jace had told him on the phone. His brother hadn't added anything while they were shopping, he knew that Alec was processing that information, he knew he needed time, and Alec had come to a fathom representation of what his feelings might be. He liked Magnus, a lot, and for some strange reason, Magnus seemed to be interested in him too.

But then, after this sweet, tender, and hopeful realization, the harshness of reality slapped him right on his face, as if a fist clenched around his heart squeezing out all the blood and leaving him drained.

Who would want him as he was right now? A relationship meant not only talks and strolls, and dinners, and concerts...no one would desire to touch a body with missing parts. As far as Alec could imagine, most people were actually disgusted or terrified only by the idea of seeing it, let alone touching it, or having it close.

When he pulled out from the water for the third time it was almost 7 p.m and it was dark, he needed to get ready and drive to the theatre.

_ It was useless going ahead of himself.  _ _ Magnus probably already had someone out there. Maybe he wasn't officially dating anyone, but sure he had someone in his mind.  _

What did Alec have to offer him? He was without a job, without a leg, his emotional life was ramshackle, and he had no reliable foreseeable future to look forward to.

The blue suit Jace had chosen for him looked beautiful on his barely sunny tainted skin. Alec never got tan, he always turned that color between pink and wildflower honey.

He buttoned up his silky shirt, a lighter shade of blue, and tightened the tie's knot around his neck.

He was going for his hospital and his kids, he reminded himself. He could survive a little heartbreak if he'd ever seen Magnus with someone else. It was nothing. Nothing had happened, nothing had started. It was all inside his head, he could do that.

Magnus was performing at the Lincoln Center that night. Alec left the car outside of their old home and took a taxi to get there.

As he stepped outside the car and faced the huge building, his heart filled with joy. He had always dreamt of going, maybe to some famous pianist's concert, but he had never had the opportunity to do that since his parents had died.

He had no ticket, Magnus had texted him to stop at the box office and tell them his name. 

"Oh, Mr. Lightwood, we were waiting for you," the young lady said, smiling at him through the glass, giving him an appreciating look.

"Follow me," she said moving from her chair, "I'll show you your seat."

Alec was about to faint when he realized that Magnus had reserved him a seat right in the middle of the front row.

There, in the center of the wooden stage, stood the cello, so beautiful and elegant, waiting for his player to come and bring him to life with his bow and his fingers.

Alec thanked the lady and sat, turning the pages of the Program Brochure he found on the yellow seat, trying to steady his breath and his heart.

The lights turned a little dim and a voice through the speaker announced that the concert was about to start, inviting everyone to take their place and turn off their phones.

Alec had shut his own off when he was getting in, trying to avoid the silly messages Jace, Izzy and Simon were sending him.

When the lights went completely out and the auditorium was dark, the silence fell heavy on Alec's head, empty of words and whispers but full of anticipation. He could hear his heart pounding against his ribs, with irregular and fast beats, just as it did before one of his water polo competitions. It was a familiar feeling to him.

The follow-spot pointed to the right exit of the stage and Magnus came in, dressed all in a black tux, his smile wide and shining under the light, waving his free hand in the air to the crowd and bowing his head in a gentle greeting.

The other hand was holding his bow. His steps were gracious and beautiful, almost a slow dance to his instrument, as a groom walking toward his bride, and Alec's heart filled with gratitude and awe.

The light turned from bright to golden as Magnus sat on his stool and placed the cello between his spread knees. There was something so sensual in his movements that Alec felt a rush of heat ramping up his spine and chest right to his cheeks.

Magnus looked at the dark crowd, his eyes scanning the faces and the bodies he could perceive, blinded by the spotlight pointing at him, and Alec sensed him, when he stopped his scanning to rest his gaze on him, their eyes locking in the void around them, as if they were alone, as if Magnus was starting to play for him and only him.

It was an instant, infinitesimal though interminable, filled with something Alec didn't recognize and couldn't give a name to.

Then Magnus lowered his head, positioned the bow, and let the magic begin.

The sweet, bitter, melancholic notes were leaving the instrument and filling the air with emotions, and a beauty so intense and pure that it almost hurt.

Magnus’ back stood vertical, straight and perfect, his neck pointing to the ceiling as if he was connected to it by an invisible thread. Then, as the music swayed and took life from his fingers and his movements, his posture became sloucher, his head started to swing lightly as if the music blossomed inside of him before reverberating in the air, as his fingers glided over the strings, sometimes with quick short skips, other times with long, dragged slides that caressed the chords so gently.

He seemed dancing as if following an inner melody, his body moved to match the high or the low pitches of the music and the notes. 

Alec was spellbound. The music soared through the air sometimes in quickening spiraling movements, sometimes in sweet, slow, sways, taking Alec's soul with it as he was listening- rapt, and stuck. Alec’s heart ascended to heaven, following Magnus in his magical flight, a breathtaking journey through melodies and sounds, climbing high at their  _ crescendo,  _ just to dive back down as the music changed pace and rhythm. The emotions stole Alec’s breath from his body; he was sitting there, unable to expand his lungs, taking in only the air he needed to keep his heart pumping. 

But there weren't only feelings, Magnus had a superb technique too. The fingertips of his left hand stopped above the strings along their length, determining the changes in the pitches of each note. 

Alec couldn’t divert his eyes from them, curved with each knuckle bent, letting only the pads have contact with the string. He shifted his gaze from Magnus’ hand to his bow, which blew the wind into the instrument, enhancing the expressiveness of the playing. 

When the passion grew stronger, Magnus’ shoulders followed the bow, drawing it across the strings roughly, when the sentiment was instead tender and soft, he held it more loosely and relaxed, his wrist slightly tilt toward the strings when moving. 

The flexibility in his movements gave the wrong impression of a boneless arm, easily changing the bow direction from up-bow to down-bow and vice versa, matching the notes flowing by on the pentagram. 

Magnus had chosen a variety of musical pieces, from Bach cello suites to Einaudi’s variations of his piano compositions. 

It was an experience Alec wasn’t prepared for. The music gently coaxed his feelings up to the surface, until they slipped out from his eyes in warm tears, of joy and longing, of tenderness and pain, of hope and desperation.

Before starting his last musical passage, Magnus dropped the bow on the floor, next to his foot, and placed his other hand on the strings, playing  _ Fur Elise  _ in a pizzicato style. Alec felt each vibration of the chord echoing inside his heart and his mind, carrying him away in a peaceful place. 

Then he focused on the gentleness of that touch, and he discovered himself dreaming about those fingers skimming along his skin, touching his scars ever so gently, soothing his sorrow, and leaving flowers blossoming after their passage. 

When the last note left the instrument and after its echoes disappeared in the air, the silence fell again on the room, thick and impenetrable, then, like a rolling wave from the shore, the applause exploded for Magnus as he stood up and bowed toward the crowd.

The lights lit up the theatre and Alec shot up on his legs, his hands trembling as he clapped them together, hoping that Magnus could hear the difference in the intensity he was putting in his movements.

After scanning all the faces and the people, bowing his head and smiling, ignoring the droplets of sweat that were dripping from his forehead, Magnus’ eyes stopped on Alec and rested there, looking at him intensely, a gaze full of gratefulness and joy. 

Magnus mouthed an imperceptible -- _ wait for me  _ \-- and Alec’s heart stopped, lost in the upcoming awareness that, yes, he could- he would- wait for him forever, if he had only asked.

He sat again after Magnus left the stage, letting the crowd exit and leave the concert room, not really knowing if Magnus was coming to him or would have sent someone to bring him to the backstage.

It seemed like hours even if it had been just minutes, and finally, someone called his name and gestured to him to walk toward the dressing rooms. 

He knocked on the door where Magnus’s name stood out against the white wood and waited for someone to come. The door opened just a little bit, a clear invitation to step in, and Alec’s breath dropped when he saw Magnus standing shirtless in front of the mirror, removing his make-up, his hair still damp, smiling at him.

Alec moved his hand toward the inner pocket of his jacket, almost mindlessly, clasped the flower he had been hiding in there since he bought it outside the theatre, a purple tulip wrapped with a small satin lilac ribbon, and handed it to Magnus, whispering out of breath, “You have been perfect.”

Magnus’ eyes went wide and his smile exploded from his cheeks, “Alexander… I...it’s beautiful...thank you…”

“You were beautiful, I mean… the concert was beautiful…, I…,” words were failing him, “...I’m sorry I don’t know what to say I…”

Magnus extended his hand and grabbed his wrist. “I have a planned dinner with my manager and my producer, but…I’ll be free from tomorrow on… no concerts ahead apart from yours…”

“Lunch tomorrow, then? Alec blurted out, words leaving his mouth too quickly for him to stop them.

“Yes, lunch sounds perfect. There are so many things I want to ask you about tonight Alexander,” he replied putting a new clean shirt on and buttoning it up.

Then there was a knock on the door and a voice calling him, “Magnus? Are you ready? The car is waiting outside for you.”

“Coming, yes,” and he grabbed his jacket.

Alec opened the door for him, “See you tomorrow, I’ll text you time and place.”

Magnus smiled back, “I’ll be there with bells on,” and he rushed out clutching the flower to his chest.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. River Flows in You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.”― Heraclitus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is taken from the beautiful piano composition by Yiruma - River Flows in you
> 
> I strongly suggest to click on the YouTube link in the chapter to listen to the music that has inspired the paragraph, the River Flows in You with Cello Arrangement Jerry Liu.

The phone buzzed in Magnus’ pocket when he came back from the dinner. It was almost 1 am. 

**_A:_ ** _I was thinking, brunch at Central Park, Ballfields Cafe, at 12._

Magnus smiled and quickly replied, -- _Perfect--_ as he dropped the phone on his bed. He could call that a night, for sure.

The concert had gone so well, and the dinner too had been filled with new plans and projects and … Alexander.

Magnus couldn’t get his mind around the fact that he’d met Alec just two days before and what happened since then had been a whirlwind of unforeseen occurrences and emotions.

Honestly, when he had gone to the showroom to meet him, he wasn't expecting such a quick turning of the events. Yes, he'd gone there to offer his help and propose to hold a concert for the fundraising, but he hadn’t planned at all to invite Alec to his upcoming one, it wasn’t something he used to do.

To be true, he had never invited anyone that wasn’t family before, but with Alec, everything had come so naturally.

Magnus had never been someone with the tendency to overthink things, he just did what he felt like doing, what seemed right to his heart because that was Magnus, all instinct, all passion, an _all or nothing at all_ human being, and this attitude reflected in his music and in his way of playing his cello.

His mother was right, he needed to find someone who balanced his impulsiveness, and who was capable of falling in love with his up and downs, with his quick mood changes, with his sunlight and his darkness, with the moments where he was smiling and happy and those ones where his eyes shaded with a sadness he wasn’t even able to express in words, stealing all of his joyfulness away.

Magnus was a kaleidoscope of personalities and selves all in one person, a mix between a shining liveliness and a deep dark fear.

  
  
  
  


Magnus’ father was a man who suffered from severe depression and that gave himself into drinking too much to overcome that sense of hopelessness. Magnus couldn’t even remember him smiling, or playing with him, as other parents did, and when his mother got sick, he decided to leave them, alone and desperate. 

On that night, Magnus tried to stop his drunk father on the threshold of their home door, pleading him not to go away, begging him to stay, grasping his legs to stop him, crying out, and at that very moment, the unfathomable happened. 

Asmodeus crashed the bottle of rum he was holding in his hands against the wall and pierced his little son’s back with a spiked splinter, opening a deep wound, and leaving him shouting and bleeding on the floor.

The scar Magnus still had on his back, was a constant reminder of what happened on that night. It was unregular, and thick, since they couldn’t apply any stitches to close it. Magnus’ mother cleaned it and bandaged his upper chest and he had remained delirious in his bed for days.

  
  


Magnus didn't know if it had been the healing herbs the elders of the village made for him or the incessant prayers his mother raised to a god unknown, but one morning he woke up fresh and healed, and whenever they remembered that episode together, his mother always used to tell him that he was saved because someone special was waiting for him out there in the world. 

But that someone was still missing.

He never showed his scar to anyone, not because he was ashamed of it in itself. What scared him most was the fact that someone could ask him how he got it. 

He never stripped in front of anyone, unless he was in the dark, and never let anyone touch him behind his shoulders, whenever he was having sex.

That big wound wasn’t only on his back, of course, and it wasn’t only made of body tissues. It was filled with anger, shame, and desperation too, the anger of not being enough for the man who should have loved him more than his own life. 

His mother told him that Asmodeus had lost himself along the way, incapable of overcoming his ghosts, and that he didn’t mean to hurt him. Still, that memory was something that burnt inside him all the time he thought about it.

After he recovered, Magnus became the genitor of his sick mother all at once, and took care of her, pushing his childhood needs aside, while developing a tremendous fear of being abandoned and remaining alone.

These early experiences had made him the man he was now, caring and sympathetic, willing to take the best of life and cherish each moment, but in the nights when he was alone in a stranger hotel room, far from his mother and his normal life, sometimes those nightmares visited him again. And when that sadness overtook him, he had to face the fear of becoming as lifeless and half-hearted as his father had been, the terror of having the same blood and the same disease flowing through his veins, forcing him to wake up.

His mother kept reassuring him that Asmodeus’ depression had nothing to do with blood. The man had given up too many things in his life to the point that he didn't know what he was living for anymore, and to the point that even the love he felt for his wife and his son wasn’t enough. Her disease had just been the last blow he couldn’t get over with. 

That’s why Magnus’ mother had firmly insisted for him to study music at the Conservatory. She didn’t care if he would ever become famous one day, she only cared about him finding _his core_ , the thing that could bring meaning to his life, the thing that would keep him alive even in the worst of times. 

She had encouraged him, sacrificing everything she had, taking three or four jobs at a time to pay for his studies and his instrument, and to let him follow his dreams and his talent.

His mother had been right, because whenever those nightmares showed up again, Magnus always took his cello and played, loudly if he was sleeping in his home, and silently pinching the strings when he was sleeping in faraway places. Music was _his center_ , the only thing that could always calm the frantic beating of his heart.

No warm arms, no loving gestures, no eager touches, no skin against skin had ever had on him the same effect his cello had.

  
  
  


He removed his clothes and took Alec’s flower in his hands.

A flower. No one of his previous partners had ever bought him a flower, never.

He thought about how tense and embarrassed Alec had seemed when he had given it to him, his hand trembling as so were his lips, a slight tremor that had made Magnus’ heart flutter. He had always been sensitive to emotions and was extremely good at catching their vibes around him. He used to call that -- _the_ _music’s effect--_. Music had given him a deep understanding of the unsaid, of what remained under the surface, unspoken.

He filled a vase with fresh water and placed the flower in it, bringing it to his nightstand. He sat on the bed and remained there staring at the purple tulip, and thinking what was it that had affected him so much about Alec.

His smile, open and sincere. Yes, that had been the first thing, since that day he had seen him waving from the distance.

Then his eyes. As soon as he found himself standing in front of him, he’d felt entranced, almost hypnotized, those big hazel eyes enwrapping him like a fragrance. 

Then his voice, calm and deep, as the sound of the lowest cello’s chords. 

But most of all there was something in his way of behaving, moving, the things he said, the passion he conveyed, a glimpse of sorrow, of a pain lingering under his skin, and a need.

Alec was searching for something, as Magnus still was. He fell asleep easily, looking at the tulip under the pale moonlight.

  
  
  
  
  


The next day Alec had a really hard time choosing what to wear for lunch. The place was casual and it was hot.

He opened his closet and searched between the summer clothes that he’d left there the last summer he spent some time at their lake house. There was a stock of cotton shorts, blue, beige and green. 

One year ago he would have definitely gone for a pair of those and sneakers underneath, but not now.

Would he ever be comfortable again wearing a pair of shorts with a prosthetic leg out in the open? Probably not. 

Not now anyway, not so early and… not with Magnus.

He finally picked up a pair of dark blue jeans, because cotton or linen pants tended to emphasize the difference between his legs since his prosthetic limb was much thinner than the other one. Jeans instead were perfect, the fabric fell straight down from his knee to the ankle. 

He picked up a blue polo shirt and left the first two buttons open. 

He checked himself twice in the mirror. He looked good. 

  
  


He was the same Alec Lightwood all the nurses had been putting their eyes on, turning to look at him and giggling every time he walked the corridors of the hospital. Alec always smiled and talked gently to all of them, embarrassed under the lusty gaze that followed him each time he entered the male changing room, until the day they saw him exiting hand in hand with Andrew Underhill. On that day many pillows were soaked with tears of shattered hopes and dreams.

  
  
  


He wasn’t the same, he just _looked_ the same. When he was all dressed up. 

  
  


He shrugged and waved his hand in the air trying to push away those thoughts, then walked to the car and arrived at the cafe almost half an hour ahead.

  
  
  


The place was as beautiful as he remembered, nestled in a luxurious frame made of trees, bushes, and flowerbeds. Alec took a seat in one of the tables outside and aimlessly picked up a menu, trying to focus his mind on something else. 

The waiter came closer to take the orders.

"I'm waiting for someone," Alec said, raising his head from the sheet to look at the man, when a smiley voice behind his back added, "Actually I'm right here behind you, Alexander," and Alec's heart leaped and sank.

"You're here!" he said a little out of breath, revolving to meet Magnus.

Magnus was standing right in front of him dressed in a pair of light cotton burgundy trousers and a thulian pink shirt with small white dots on it. He was breathtaking.

Words died on his tongue, his breath hitching a little bit, as he scanned him from hair to toes and back, trying to force his brain cells into reasoning and behaving properly.

"Ah...I'm ... you're...here, already." He had never muttered that much, not even at his first public dissertation, but Magnus didn't seem to care, smiling widely at him. 

"As you did. To be honest, I was looking forward to seeing you," and he sat in front of him with such grace, that Alec thought of a butterfly softly landing on a blossom.

"Have you already an idea of what you're eating?" Magnus said, taking the menu in his hands and going quickly through the pages, until he realized that Alec was still silent. He raised his head just to find him staring at him so intensely that he had to look down again as a warm sensation spread up his cheeks and face.

Alec sighed and swallowed while processing the question in his head again.

"Ah...no, not yet, I wanted to choose with you." 

How was Magnus supposed to survive that stare and those words, so openhearted and sincere? If they hadn’t come from Alec, he would have considered them an unnerving and useless attempt to flatter him.

He closed the menu and placed it on the table, "You know the place, you get to choose for me too, Alexander. The breakfast order was just perfect, I trust you. Dazzle me."

The exchange lasted less than a minute, but it stretched limitlessly inside Alec's heart, until he realized the waiter was still there, giggling.

"Oh...ah...yes...so...ehm...I think… grilled salmon and jacked potatoes for two, and a mixed salad," he babbled and glanced at Magnus who nodded his smiling approval.

"Drinks?"

Alec almost panicked at the idea that drinks were still missing, and that he had to make another effort to sort out what could Magnus like.

"Water," Magnus stepped in, "natural water for both."

Alec sighed in relief and sagged on the chair. 

Feelings were getting in the way too soon and too deep for him to manage without confusion and puzzlement.

The waiter took the menu and left them alone. 

It was very hot on that day, a strangely hot Tuesday, and Alec was regretting his heavy jeans and that blue shirt that seemed to gather all the sun's rays, spreading them throughout all his already heated body.

"Your beautiful tulip greeted me with his fully open petals this morning; it was heartwarming, Alexander. Thanks again. No one has ever gifted me a single flower. Bouquets, yes, but they're such a conventional choice. Never a single flower. And a purple tulip, that’s my favorite color.”

Alec felt his cheeks reddening a bit, and this time it wasn’t only for the temperature. 

“When I saw it at the florist, I immediately thought it was perfect for you.”

  
  
  


Water arrived first, along with a small basket filled with freshly made bread.

Magnus took a slice of bread, took one curl of flavored butter with his knife, and started spreading it on the bread.

“How was the concert? I’m eager to know what your impressions were!” 

Magnus’ eyes lit, even more, when he talked about music, and Alec followed the quick, gracious movements of his fingers curled around the knife and the bread, of his shining bright eyes that kept dribbling from his hands to Alec’s face, with anticipation and curiosity.

“I can’t find the right words to tell you how beautiful it has been. The music you played, your musical passages and the famous ones you have chosen, I… I don’t think I’ve ever had such an encompassing experience before, in all of my life. It seemed as if you and your cello were the same thing, merged into a new, higher level of existence, a sort of limbo in which you were the player but the instrument too at the same time.”

_What had he just said?_

Alec didn’t even know where those thoughts came from. He hadn’t realized what kind of sentiments Magnus’ concert had given him until now, and they had come to the surface overcoming the barriers of his subconscious, directly transformed into words, without Alec even realizing it.

Magnus dropped the knife and the bread on the plate. “I’m impressed, Alexander. That’s the way I would have described myself while playing my cello, what I feel. It’s exactly that level of fusion, the cello becomes a part of me as I bring him to life with my hands.”

“I loved that _pizzicato_ style, it was so… intimate and soft, as if those notes shot straight to my heart.”

“That was the purpose of it. The simplest sequence of notes on the strings that conveys the deepest of emotions. You talk like someone who knows what he’s saying, someone who _knows_ what music is. Do you play any instrument?” Magnus asked him, picking up the bread again as the waiter put the plates with their meals on the table.

Alec took the fork and dipped it into the soft flesh of the grilled salmon, “Yes, I have always played the piano since I was a kid. Music is something that has always had the power to silence my overthinking brain, and my deranged emotions. Music and swimming.”

Magnus’ eyes widened. 

“Piano? For real?” and Alec nodded around the strong taste that exploded in his mouth.

“I... , well, I should have guessed,” Magnus added as he started to eat too.

“Tell me something more, Alec, something more about you. Piano player, swimmer, doctor, what else?”

Alec sipped a bit of his water. “What do you want to know?”

“Something peculiar, something to get to know you better, something that makes you _Alec_ and no one else.”

_My leg_ , Alec thought and immediately pushed that thought away. 

How strange life was, ever-changing and never stopping, as a river flowing to the sea. The water that once passed near a rock would never be there again. 

One year ago, the things he would have chosen to describe himself, would have been completely different. Now, his leg was something that defined him, something that was peculiar to this _Alec_ , the new one. But this was a thought for another day, he still wasn’t prepared to face this.

What was that made him truly and undoubtedly Alec? His family, his past, this was definitely something he wanted to share.

“I… I have a sister and two brothers, all younger than me. We lost both our parents when I was 20 and since then I studied and worked to give them the same possibilities I had. Jace is two years younger than me, Izzy four, and Max eight years younger. They have been everything to me since that night, and they are still now. And… Well, I have been a water polo player until then, now I don’t play anymore but swimming is something that makes me feel _whole,_ still nowadays.”

Magnus hummed as his eyes filled with such a tenderness that Alec’s eyes almost watered with tears. He’d never been used to such a demonstration of affection.

“I…, I’m sorry Alec, that’s a sad story to tell.”

_You don’t know the half of it,_ Alec thought.

“What about you? You're a lonely son?”

Magnus felt a little sting inside his heart. He had a sad story to tell too, but this wasn’t the right time for that. It had never been the right time before, and it was definitely too early to share such a past with Alec.

“Ah, yes, it’s just me and my mother here. My father left us when she got sick. We arrived in New York and I’ve been living here since then. I started studying the cello when I was eleven and never stopped. I took lessons at the music Conservatory and as soon as I graduated this has become my life. I travel a lot, but I also have long periods of rest, in which I close myself off in the loft I have rented in Brooklyn, to compose my music, and some days I visit my mum. As soon as I had enough money, I bought her a big house with a garden in Maine and she lives there.”

He stopped and seemed to decide whether or not saying something out loud, then he shrugged and smiled adding, “I’ve had a couple of important relationships in my life, a woman and a man and now...I’m free.”

Alec almost choked on his food hearing the blatant confirmation of the information Jace had given him the other day.

Why had Magnus said _free_ and not just single?

Was he trying to suggest something? But before these thoughts took a proper form inside his head, Magnus spoke again.

"You?"

_Oh, God_. How did it happen that the conversation shifted to such a private territory? Magnus certainly wasn't shy and not that much an overthinker as Alec was.

What was he supposed to say? He knew he was alone, of course, but the word choice was something important. Alec held that thought in his head for a second, then, again, his brain filters opened just that little bit to let his intentions slip between the clefts, without him stopping them, "Free too."

_Shit._ What was in Magnus that messed up his logic, making him feel as if he was drunk?

Magnus' closeness. 

He suddenly felt lightheaded and willing to talk, maybe even too much.

“Well… let’s just say that in my youngest years I’ve been busy trying to fix our messed up life, finish my studies as soon as possible, and find a job, and when I thought I could concede myself a little distraction and started dating a guy, he left me before we were even a thing, just one month ago. So I guess that even _free_ is not the right word…”

Magnus’ expression didn’t change as he was listening to Alec and eating, no mocking or surprised gazes, his smile and his brown eyes warming his wandering heart, lost between embarrassment, desire and the need to belong somewhere.

Magnus dropped the fork and cleaned his mouth.

“I was thinking that if it's okay for you, we can start tomorrow. We could listen, brainstorm and choose the music, so I can start my rehearsals, and in the meantime, we can go around and find a theater, and work on the invitations, what do you think?”

Alec was still confused by the talk they had just had, but he managed to agree quickly to the schedule Magnus had just outlined. He got to see him every day if he had figured it out right, and for the first time after he had seriously thought about throwing his life away, he had something good to look forward to.

  
  
  
  


In a week they had chosen the date, all the songs, some of them from famous composers’ repertoires and some new and original Magnus’ compositions, they’d found the place where to host the event and were now working on the graphic details of the invitations with a precious help from Clary, both getting along so well in the day-to-day and ordinary interactions that it seemed as if they have been knowing each other for years.

In this incredibly fluid relationship, Magnus found himself slowly believing that maybe he had found the _one_ his mother had always been referring to, and Alec saw his hope grow stronger again, something that was pulling him deep from the inside toward a future he couldn’t even properly fathom in his head.

Despite this ease, there still were some things about Alec that Magnus couldn’t put his mind around. Alec always reached him to every place they had to visit, never driving Magnus there and never accepting to go with him; when Magnus arrived he found him usually already sitting somewhere and, almost incredible to believe, Alec managed to stand up always when Magnus wasn’t looking. 

His steps were still uncertain as the first day he met Magnus, but Alec was capable of bringing himself to tears trying to stand and walk on his prosthesis the best he could. He knew this wasn’t necessary, Magnus never asked anything, he never made a comment, he never looked, as if he was standing on the threshold of Alec’s heart, patiently waiting for him to be ready.

Magnus knew that some wounds weren’t out in the open, that Alec had something going on inside of him, but he would have never, ever pushed him beyond a border that he wasn’t ready to cross.

  
  
  
  


**_M:_ ** _Come to my place tomorrow, will you? I want to show you something. Don’t bring breakfast. I will make it for us._

That message left Alec speechless. Why was Magnus telling him to go? They had been working together until a few hours before and it was Friday. They had arrived at the end of the second week, the event would have been in less than twelve days, with Izzy’s wedding in between, but everything was already arranged, so what did they need to do?

The more Alec talked with Magnus and became closer to him, the more he knew that he should tell him about his leg, that he should stop pretending to be someone that he wasn’t. He felt guilty and bad, because Magnus was so open with him, and Alec was sure that he wouldn’t run away. 

It was him, just him.

He knew he was slowly but relentlessly falling in love with Magnus, and he wasn’t even fighting this sentiment, because it felt so good, so right; the most natural thing he’d ever done in his life, the most beautiful, the most peace-bringing.

He had discovered himself more than one time watching Magnus put on his sweater or jacket, staring at him when he was lost in his plans and thoughts; he’d talked too much whenever he was near, and one morning he woke up after a nightmare whispering Magnus’ name when his eyes were still closed.

“Someone is in love,” Jace told him the previous night, when Alec was describing Magnus eating an ice-cream, and Alec knew it, he knew Jace was right, and it seemed that Magnus wasn’t extraneous to that feeling too.

It happened that they’d accidentally brushed their hands while working or going around, and Magnus never seemed to shy away from that touch or to retreat himself.

But what was he supposed to do? He was still uncomfortable in seeing his own image reflected in the big mirror in the middle of the corridor of his house, almost diverting his gaze not to focus on the fact that he needed to accept himself if he ever wanted to let Magnus in.

  
  
  


**_A:_ ** _Sure, text me the address._

He would have never said no to something Magnus was asking from him.

  
  
  
  


During the drive to his loft, Alec thought that maybe today he could bring up at least the accident, that he could start from that, leaving out the details of him losing his leg and all the rest. 

  
  
  


It was so hot that he could see the heat rising in waves from the pavement. 

He had decided to wear the lightest pair of beige cotton pants he owned, along with a brown t-shirt that made his hazel eyes stand out even more, as a green foliage on a dark bark. Trusting to find a place to sit that wasn’t too much on sight, he sat, and as always stretched out his legs, like under a table, his left one covering the injured one. He would find a solution.

  
  
  


He pressed his finger on the buzz button, realizing that he was already sweating from the heat, the walk he had to do from the nearest parking, and his feelings.

Magnus didn’t even ask who it was. Alec just heard his sweet voice through the interphone, saying, “the last floor.”

Alec stepped out from the elevator and found an open door waiting for him, Magnus leaning on the wall with his arms crossed on his chest. 

He was wearing a pickle green short tank top and a pair of loose acid-washed jeans, that were lingering down his lower abdomen. His hair wasn't fixed, and his eyes were free of any make-up. But the things Alec wasn’t absolutely prepared for, were his shoulders and arms. He had never noticed before that under those silky sleeves, Magnus was hiding such muscular arms. 

This sight hit him with such force that his heart almost burst out from his chest, as he felt a warm feeling spreading from the end of ribs to his lower belly, cursing the thin fabric of his pants. He tried to gather all his thoughts on the sight of his injured leg when Luke first removed the bandages, but the effort was useless.

Magnus was shining like the brightest of the stars in front of him, and he couldn’t focus on anything else. 

He remained there, frozen in the hallway, trying to calm his stuttering heart, worried that its crazy heartbeats could be heard from the outside.

“Hi…,” he said, but the word came out more breath than voice.

“Hi Alexander, had a good drive?” and he stood up to leave the door completely free for Alec to enter. 

He hadn’t missed the change in Alec’s gaze and his reaction, it was exactly what he had been hoping for to be honest, but now, seeing Alec fighting so hard to hide how affected he was, Magnus almost thought he had pushed things too far.

Alec just found the strength to nod, trying to focus on his trembling legs.

Magnus was staring at him and he certainly didn’t want him to discover about his leg due to the fact that he had ungraciously fallen while entering in his loft.

Magnus followed him inside, his eyes lingering a bit on Alec’s movements. 

How could he not realize how beautiful he was, in the effort to remain calm, in the attempt not to just stare or gape at Magnus, and in his strain to walk as upright as he could, with slow steady steps.

Whatever he was hiding, Magnus was willing to accept, and he wanted Alec to know that he could let loose, that he could let go.

There was a kitchen isle with four stools around it, and Alec blamed himself for not having told Magnus anything yet, since now he had to eat his breakfast almost standing.

Magnus sat on the inner side of the kitchen-isle and Alec slowly and carefully sat on one stool, leaving his injured leg stretched and bringing only the other one up to the iron bar, trying to balance himself.

It was the first time that an awkward silence fell between them, as Magnus poured some coffee in both of the cups, already knowing how Alec liked it, dark and bitter.

Alec on his side placed both of his hands on the border of the counter on purpose, to adjust his sitting position and then looked at the plate beside Magnus, trying to see if there was something he could eat, deciding if he should start with the scrambled eggs.

“So, what have you called me here for?” he asked, in the effort to divert his attention from the veins standing out on Magnus' arms, as he grabbed his cup to drink the coffee.

“I wanted you to hear me rehearsing some of the songs we have chosen, and…a new one I have composed, just for -- _You--_ he wanted to say-- for this fundraising event".

Alec left the spoon on the table, his heart resuming again that butterfly's wings rhythm, "You...you composed a piece for this?"

"Yes, all of my music comes to me when something special shows up in my life…," and he trailed off, starting to eat his eggs, feeling weirdly exposed and embarrassed, something that he rarely was.

"Magnus I...I don't know what to say…"

"I already told you the very first time, say yes, and that's all."

As soon as they finished breakfast Magnus guided Alec into his private recording room, where his beautiful cello stood in the back left corner, right behind a black grand piano.

Without waiting for Alec, Magnus sat on his stool and took his bow, positioning his fingers and letting them slide on the chords, slowly.

A comforting sweet and smooth melody filled the room, alternating between "falling" and "rising" intervals, a gentle rocking motion, like a lullaby, as if the music was sighing and whispering secret words to Alec's ears.

Alec felt like crying but he tried to push the tears back, Magnus was so beautiful and he was honored to see such an intimate and private side of him, him in his notes and melody.

Magnus halted his wrist, his fingers vibrating on the last note, and whispered, "Play with me, will you, Alec?", and Alec found himself sitting on the leather stool.

He silently thanked all those nights he'd spent playing his piano, fighting back the flashbacks and nightmares, because sitting on that stool and pushing the pedals was something that still came naturally to him.

"Follow my lead, yes? Can you do that?" Magnus asked and pierced a string. Alec bowed his head, his hands like feathers on the keys, catching the exact note in the air.

Magnus swayed the bow letting the music spread in the room and Alec followed him, his fingers gliding on the piano, as he let the music take him away as it always did.

They played in silence, together, music piece after another, until they had rehearsed all the songs they had chosen for the event's concert, their souls now meeting at an even deeper level than they had before.

After the last piece, Alec started the few notes of the song he’d been playing in all his nights alone, tender soft touches on the keys, hoping that Magnus would come after him, a way to tell him all he wasn’t still able to put into words, and Magnus’s bow begun the lightest poignant, and yearning cello arrangement Alec had ever heard.

  
[River Flows in You with Cello Arrangement Jerry Liu](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMi6hyqgpbg)

They were two halves of the same soul, two worlds merging as if they had always waited to meet their other lost half, their hearts beating at the same rhythm, their hands moving together making the music flood out as a united voice, an all-encompassing thankful chant they were bringing together to the destiny that had brought them together.

They played as if they had been doing this for all of their lives, not a hint of doubt or tremor in their movements and melodies, as if they had always been waiting for someone to complete their inner melody, without saying a word, without even looking at each other, only following the vibes and the invisible thread now visibly stretched between them.

When the last echoes of the music reverberated in the air, Alec slowly turned his head to look at Magnus, the room full of haywire, wild, primal unspoken emotions.

“Will you come to Izzy’s wedding with me?” he whispered, “Yes, Alec,” Magnus answered with his eyes still closed and his head bowed toward his instrument, “Yes, I will.”

  
  


At that moment, they both realized that a border had been crossed, that nothing could ever go back to what it was, and they spent the week before the wedding, exchanging glances, smiles, and soft brushes of their hands, giving space to their growing feelings, both waiting for something to happen, for a strong wind to slam all the doors open, those doors they were still keeping half-closed, too scared to believe that everything was real.

In the middle of one night, Alec had taken his phone and called Luke, again, the father he had been needing in all those years without even realizing that.

“Luke?”

“Alec! Hey man, I saw you’re doing wonderful things, thanks for all the pictures you’re sending me. How’s your leg?”

“Ah, good I think, I still have problems standing for too many hours but… I did some research and I found a new prosthetist who’s living in Vancouver. I’ll be seeing him in two weeks, after the fundraising event. He said he can help me.”

“Why then you don't sound as happy as you should be, given all this good news? Uhm? Is there something wrong?”

Alec remained silent for a second, thinking about what he wanted to tell him.

“I think I’m love, Luke,” and now it was Luke’s turn to remain silent, waiting for Alec to continue.

“To be honest, I’m pretty sure I am and… he seems interested too but…,” he paused, “... but I haven’t told him about my leg, yet.”

Luke waited for a second more before speaking.

“Are you scared he wouldn’t want you?”, but Alec didn’t answer, “Alec?”

“I’m scared he’d be angry at me because I hid such an important part of me and… Luke, a relationship is not only made of feelings… it’s…”

“...you’re thinking about sex and intimacy. Alec… the eyes of the ones who love us, see our body in a totally different way. Beauty is in the eyes of the one who looks, not in the object itself. The real question is… are you ready to let him love you, to believe him if he’s ever telling you that you’re beautiful just the way you are? That’s the real thing, Alec. Do you feel lovable? Because nothing hurts more the feelings of someone who’s deeply in love with you, than realizing that his words aren’t believed or aren't enough. You have a body that deserves all the love and the touches you’ve been dreaming of. I personally think he will understand why you haven’t told him yet, so… do it when you feel ready, but don’t wait too long, sometimes life gets in the way when you least expect it, and you should know that better than anyone.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Izzy and Simon had decided to marry on the beach, a simple ceremony only for friends and family. 

Alec would have walked Izzy to the altar and his hands were trembling as he was closing the bow tie around his neck.

“Need help?” Jace asked him.

“Ah, Jace…, yeah probably yes, it’s ten minutes I am fighting with this.”

“She’ll be okay, Alec, you know that, right?”

“I know Jace. I’m so happy she’s found Simon. He’s everything she needed for her roving soul, but you know? She’ll always be my _little sister_ , always and…,” he felt a knot rise in his throat and sighed, “... I just think about how much dad would have loved to walk his little princess to the altar…”

Jace grabbed both of his arms in his hands and squeezed them, “Dad has been close to us all these years through you, he’s here today too, Alec. We couldn’t have asked for more from a brother. You have been a father, a mother, a friend, everything,” and he wiped the tear that was resting on Alec’s cheekbone.

“Now come on man, the groom is waiting, and he’s not alone, Magnus is there too, he’s just arrived, and by the lost look he has on his face, I bet he was searching for you.”

Alec smiled and adjusted his jacket, ready to walk that last path with his sister, hand in hand. 

He almost lost it when he saw her waiting for him, with a flowered bright colored dress, so full of life as she was, and that wide smile on her face, her eyes two shining black gems.

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen Izzy,” he barely muttered in her ears.

“...after Magnus, of course,” she replied and elbowed him on his ribs, “... **_you_ **look stunning in this silky dark blue suit Alec,” and she skimmed his cheek with her painted long nails, “...and...before I start crying, let me thank you for everything you did for me in these years…”

“...Izzy…”

“...no, let me finish this now, … you’re the best brother I could have ever asked for, and… I am so proud and honored to be your sister. You’re strong and kind, hard and tender, a secret and an open book, a tempest and a feather at the same time, Alec I… I don’t know where we all would be if you had not given up your life to take care of us. Now we’re adults, and we’re all fine, it’s the right time to do something for yourself. Promise me, promise me you’ll tell him before it’s too late, will you?” and Alec swallowed around the lump he felt again, nodding a silent _yes_.

He took her hand and guided his sister toward Simon.

  
  
  
  


The night passed between waves of laughter and jokes, Magnus sitting between Alec and Raphael, more at ease than if he’d grown up with all of them.

He danced barefoot the whole night, his turquoise shirt open down to his belt. He kept passing from Izzy to Jace, to Clary, and to Simon, and Alec enjoyed watching him as he remained sitting at the table with Raphael.

“We’re not dancing with him,” Raphael stated, “but we’re the closest to his soul,” and Alec had to drop his eyes to the glass full of bubbly champagne, to avoid Raphael’s piercing eyes that were always able to read the invisible.

  
  


When almost all the invitees were almost gone, the music turned slower. Izzy and Simon had gone for a walk, and Jace and Clary were sitting at a table at the end of the beach, giggling and exchanging soft kisses. The night had fallen on the city and on the waves, and Alec’s heart was full of a peace he thought was gone forever.

“Dance with me?” Magnus’ voice caught him by surprise. He turned and found Magnus looking at him with eyes full of something so deep he almost lost his breath.

Why hadn’t he told Magnus the truth yet? What could he say now?

“I can’t... Magnus, I… I’ve never been a good dancer, and I’ll never be.”

Magnus’ smile turned into a pleading expression, “It’s just a slow-dance, Alec, please,” and he grabbed his hand, tugging him up.

Alec stood up, almost in a trance, he knew Magnus would have noticed, there was no turning back now. On one hand, he wanted him to know without Alec having to tell him, on the other side, he wished he had the courage to do that himself.

“Magnus I…”

“I know, Alec, I know more than you think I do. But not now, not tonight. I can wait.”

He slowly followed Magnus’s steps in the sand. 

Magnus took both of his wrists and placed them behind his lower waist, “Like this,” he said and closed his hand behind Alec’s neck, “...let me guide you, I would never let you fall, I will catch you…,” and Alec wished he wasn’t talking about dancing.

They swayed along with the music, back and forth, their feet barely moving, their hips softly brushing, their eyes fixed in the others’, the feeling of their breaths filling the little space left between them.

As they kept dancing, the confidence in their movements increased. Magnus could feel Alec’s strong hands tightening the grip around his hips- as Alec lost himself in the small touches Magnus’ fingers were leaving along his upper neck- unintentional and unaimed brushes that made him shiver outside and inside, despite the hot night, until they weren’t dancing anymore- but almost floating as if they were the only ones on that beach.

The concert was coming, they had just one week left, but during this week Magnus would have been busy rehearsing and taking some interviews he had scheduled to promote the event, they wouldn’t have much time to be alone together again. 

Alec knew he had to do something, they both knew, but Magnus had been clear, he was waiting, it was not his secret to tell.

When the music stopped, it was almost 3 in the morning.

Alec opened his arms to release Magnus when he heard Jace calling him from a distance. 

He grabbed Magnus’ wrist, “Thursday night, have dinner with me?”

Magnus smiled widely, and they both knew that that was a date, a real one.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Too much to handle, too high to touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good. - J. Steinbeck

They opted for an Indonesian restaurant this time, one where Magnus used to go in Brooklyn.

  
  
  


Since that dance on the shore, they hadn't talked that much, too busy checking the last arrangements for the fundraising event.

Magnus was now rehearsing at the theatre every day, in the early mornings, then he went to the showroom where Clary and Izzy helped Alec to set up the place for the interviews Magnus was giving.

They saw each other, smiling from the distance, waiting for that date night, which seemed to hold the promise of something new.

  
  
  


Alec had decided that he would find the right moment and the right way to tell Magnus the truth. He couldn't get himself into anything deeper until he had laid all his cards out on the table.

Magnus needed to know, and he needed it now. They both needed it if he was honest with himself. He wanted nothing more than to be able to be free again, to have someone with whom it wasn’t necessary to hide.

In all the nights that preceded the concert, Alec walked back and forth on the pebbles shore, repeating the whole speech inside his head, the accident, the surgery, the recovery, the betrayal, everything.

Magnus had told him he knew more than Alec thought, but what was that supposed to mean? For sure he wasn't prepared for _that_ truth.

  
  
  


It was almost sunrise, and it finally was Thursday.

**_A:_ ** _Jace. I'm okay. Can you come?_

At six Alec heard the sound of a car parking outside the house. He quickly put on his prosthesis and a pair of sweatpants.

"Alec? Alec?" Jace was calling him, a hint of panic in his voice.

Alec opened the door and found his brother with a wrapped box of pastries in his hands, his eyes still heavy for the aborted sleep, and a half-smile on his face.

Jace shoved the door open with his shoulder and stepped in, sauntering toward the kitchen.

  
  


“Spill the beans, come on,” he said slumping on a chair, “no,” he raised his palm flat to stop Alec before he even started, “coffee first.”

Alec went to the counter and poured some coffee in two cups, returning one to him.

“You already made that?”

“Knew you couldn’t be of any help without this,” and he smiled, sitting next to his brother and opening the paper that was enveloping the pastries.

He looked at the different tastes and easily spotted his favorite dark chocolate muffin, he took it and then handed the coffee cream one to Jace, who immediately gave it a mouthful bite.

  
  


“Thanks for coming, Jace. I…,” what was that he wanted to say? It was so difficult talking about feelings.

Jace waited, looking at him, but Alec was licking his lips, his eyes staring at the half muffin in his hand.

“Jesus, Alec! It’s me, it’s Jace, come on!” but Alec was almost in a trance state.

  
  


“We danced,” he started.

“I saw you. And?”

“And I’m in love with him.”

Jace rolled his eyes.

“Give me the real news, Alec! This, I already knew from the very first day. You really hadn’t made me come all the way down here at dawn, just to tell me that you’re in love with the man I told you you were in love with, almost three weeks ago, have you?”

“I… we have a date, tonight.”

Jace dropped the cup and the muffin, brushing his palms together in excitement.

“He did it?”

“No, it was me.”

Jace slapped him on his shoulder, “Well done big brother, you’ve come a long way! So… you need help… for what?” he was looking expectantly to Alec when a thought crossed his mind

“Wait...don’t tell me you’ve never...I… you …is that? You’re worried about that?”

Alec shook his head, a slight turn of his head from right to left, “No.., yes that too…, but not now…, that… that might never happen.”

Jace’s eyes widened, “I was joking, you’re not! Really Alec… I mean… how could this be…”

“Even possible? We’ll come to that later. Now… first and foremost, my leg, my _vacant-leg_.”

“What?”

Alec lowered his gaze and his voice became a barely audible whisper, “I… I might or not have ever told Magnus about it,...I...I know he has guessed that something’s wrong, he even told me when we danced, but...I...I…”

  
  


Jace hugged him, with force and intensity, making his huge brother disappear into his arms, and Alec curled inside his chest, hiding his face in Jace’s neck. 

He looked so small and vulnerable, Jace thought and realized that strength is much more a matter of the heart than a physical thing. 

  
  


“Were you scared he wouldn’t want you anymore?” he mumbled in Alec’s ear.

Alec’s back was rising and falling quickly, his puffs wet and warm on Jace’s skin.

“I still am, Jace… that thing it’s...not beautiful...I’m not beautiful…I… my body has always been something I felt comfortable with, something I was proud of...now…”

“Now?”

“Now? You know, sometimes I feel my missing limb as if it was still there...especially when I’m half asleep or lost in my thoughts...and it’s like,...I don’t know how to put this feeling into words Jace, I feel like a stranger inside my own body, sometimes when I quickly walk through the corridor and pass in front of the big mirror, and see my image reflected in it, my first reaction is still one of surprise and extraneity, then I stop and realize it’s me…, this change might not have had such a huge impact on my family Jace, but… in a relationship, it’s different, many things will be conditioned...I…, who would sign for this, when he can have anyone he wants? Have you seen him?”

“Alec…,” Jace, who had always been the master of solutions, the quickest to talk when there was a problem to solve, had learned in those weeks beside his brother, that some things couldn’t be solved, that solutions weren’t always the shortest and straightest line between two points, that in some moments words were not enough and were not even appropriated. 

  
  


That was another gift Alec had given him, the patience to wait and listen, the strength to endure and wait for the right time, or for things to evolve, and the force to stay there, to never give up.

  
  


“Jace, for what I know, he could be only attracted to me, as many others have been before, love...is another thing, and… attraction is entangled with … _body,_...I…and it’s all my fault… I haven’t given him the chance to fall in love with me, the real me, with this stupid omission…, because loving me would imply all of me…, I… I’ve fallen in love with him because he let me in, I… cut out maybe the most important thing about myself…,” he trailed off, raising his head from Jace’s shoulder, “... I want to tell him, tonight, I...I just don’t know how…”

  
  


Jace waited, looking at him, searching his face and eyes, and when he realized Alec wasn’t going to say anything, he disentangled himself, weighed his words carefully, something he had never been used to do before, and finally talked, “Alec, I'm certainly not the best at giving suggestions, but I do know that when you’re ready, you’re always able to find the best words…, as I do know that I’ve never seen you like this, so in love, this...this can’t leave him indifferent, and it won't."

  
  


Alec sighed.

  
  


"Your leg, the fear of sharing this, it's not something to be ashamed of, it’s something that makes you even stronger, even more, worthy of being loved. I know nothing about Magnus, but he doesn't seem someone made for ordinary people and things. And you're special, Alec. You really are."

  
  


He took the coffee again as Alec leaned back on the couch.

"Now…," Jace started, "...were you just kidding or …?"

  
  


Alec stood up, his left leg trembling a little under the strain, and walked toward the stove again. He was a bit embarrassed, but they were here now, what was the point of hiding again? That morning spent together painting the walls of the showroom, had opened a flow of confessions and intimate talks, something they had never shared before, Alec always being the one to listen and help, not the other way around. 

  
  


"Never penetrative sex," he answered and then turned.

"Not even…?" Jace added, and made an explicit movement with his hand, making Alec chuckle and shake his head.

"Jace, you're so rude," he laughed a little louder, "but yes, that yes."

"So it's just…"

"I won't use the word _just_...I'm thirty-two, seems a little odd doesn't it?"

  
  


Jace stood up too and reached him, grabbing the refilled cup of steaming coffee and leaned on the counter.

  
  


"Alec...you told us you were gay after your final Ph.D. dissertation, do you remember? Then all those hours at work, all those long shifts,... Andrew, then...Indonesia, I mean…"

"People do that easier than I do. I guess I was…"

"...waiting for the right one?"

"Yeah, ...no,...I don't know...you, you didn't wait for Clary…"

  
  


Jace sighed.

  
  


"You're right, I didn't. But we're not all the same Alec, and...while I was having fun out there, you were taking care of us, giving up on so many things…"

  
  


Alec smiled sadly.

  
  


"He'll run, Jace, as fast as he can. And he won't look back."

"Then I'll be here to catch you. And we'll start again from somewhere. But I bet he won't. It's worth trying, Alec, believe me."

  
  


Alec nodded silently then smirked.

  
  


“Now you tell me,...what do you know about …?” and he mirrored Jace’s previous movements with his hand.

  
  


For once, it was Jace’s turn to blush. He lowered his gaze and stared at the coffee, his cheeks burning.

  
  


Alec widened his eyes, “Really now? That girl is full of surprises…,” and he elbowed him on his side, a chuckle escaping from their lips, quickly evolving into full mouth laughter.

  
  


This feeling was beautiful and soothing, this brotherhood they were sharing, more intense now than it had ever been in all the years before. Jace was right, if something ever went wrong, he had this, he had something he could hold on to, something stronger than blood itself.

Overwhelmed by this sense of closeness and deep gratitude, Alec hugged him, their bodies shaking in the joy of standing side by side, each one fighting for the other.

  
  
  
  


Alec entered the restaurant looking around and searching for Magnus. 

The ambiance was nice, tables for two and four all around, dim colored lights and trembling candles, beautiful silky batiks hanging from the wooden ceiling and waving, dividing the tables.

Since he couldn’t find him, he asked the lady at the entrance, and she accompanied him to a back lounge, where there was just a table for two, right in the corner, and one orange rounded candle spreading its fluctuating light right in the middle of it.

Magnus was already sitting there, dressed in a silky silver-grey shirt, sipping something from a small little cup, and looking at his phone.

  
  


"Hey…," Alec said.

"Alec!" Magnus' face lit up as he shot upright to welcome him, “was it easy to find it?"

"Yes, your indications were just perfect, thanks."

"Come on sit over here, next to me."

  
  


Alec noticed that there was a marble bench attached to the wall behind Magnus so that he had to slide between the table and the seat. It would have been more difficult than sitting on a chair, but he could do that, he thought.

  
  


When was the right time? How was it possible to tell when it was? Was there a right time? Or maybe any time was just the right one?

  
  


His head was already aching a bit. He wanted to do that now, he wanted to say what he had to say while he was standing, so it would have been easier to run away and never look back.

But his legs moved quicker and he found himself sitting next to him and scooting closer, just as Magnus had suggested. 

  
  


Alec was staring at him with the words he had repeated so many times, still gathered on his tongue, ready to spill them out, but something was blocking him.

  
  


Magnus was beautiful, so close, and beautiful that he was confused.

  
  


"Are you okay?" Magnus asked, "You seem...a bit _off_. If you were tired we could have…"

That insecure look on Magnus' face snapped him out of his trance. 

He took Magnus’ wrist, the one that was whizzing in the air, blocking it gently, "I'm not tired at all and ...there is no other place I'd rather be."

Why was he bringing out such blunt and straightforward feelings, without giving Magnus the chance to know what he was getting himself into?

  
  


He opened his palm and placed it on the table, fidgeting with the fork. He turned to look at Magnus again, determined and ready to talk, but those brown smiling eyes stopped his lips again.

He wasn't ready to lose them. He didn't want to see anger and betrayal rise where now there was only warmth, and compassion.

Now that he seemed to have all that he had always wanted, he had to undermine it.

It was all his fault. He should have told Magnus from the first time, when they were nothing to each other, when he was feeling nothing.

Had he ever really felt nothing? Maybe he had hidden those sentiments and information on purpose, since something twitched inside himself from the very beginning, didn't he?

His heart was beating weirdly, accelerating then skipping.

Why had he invited Magnus on a date the night before the concert he couldn't tell right now. It had been a stupid thing.

  
  


_I will, but not now. Maybe the right occasion will present itself._

Are occasions coming to us or do we have to chase them or create them?

  
  


He exhaled trying to silence his brain and focus on the surroundings, on the warm colors of the restaurant.

  
  


"This place is beautiful, Magnus. I've never been here before."

Magnus laughed, "Welcome back Alexander, from wherever you were. Yes, it's a beautiful place. I love it. I come here every time my mum visits me. I thought you missed a bit of Indonesia too. Just to get into the mood for tomorrow."

"Yes, tomorrow. Are you ready?"

"Yes, Alexander. I am. I'm glad many personalities are coming too. We have the theatre fully booked, it's already a success."

  
  


Alec looked at him. 

"I really don't know how to thank you, Magnus."

"Again? Not tonight please Alec. I would do that again, and again. And you know that."

  
  


_And not only for charity,_ he wanted to add but didn't.

Alec was somewhere, but where? 

  
  


Magnus had already ordered for both, they had agreed while texting, that this would have been the best choice.

A young waiter came dressed in a traditional Indonesian costume and landed many different dishes in the middle of the big rectangular wooden table.

  
  


Where that easiness of the dance night had gone? Where the comfortable brushes and caresses? 

This was their first date and Alec had never felt so strange, ever, and Magnus noticed that.

Maybe he had gone too far with that dance? But Alec seemed okay in the days that followed.

  
  


They ate almost in silence, exchanging few thoughts about the concert and the event.

  
  


When the plates were empty Alec started to recount memories of the sixth months he’d spent in Indonesia, love, admiration, and longing pouring from his eyes and his words, and this made Magnus move even closer until their shoulders were touching.

Alec relished into the touch. He didn't want to miss this intimacy, this place where he could be himself.

  
  


Then Magnus turned a little more and was now facing him completely.

  
  


"It feels so incredible hearing you talk about my country, especially the way you describe the colors, the sounds, if I close my eyes I can almost pretend I'm there," Magnus was whispering and leaning closer, Alec could feel him crowding his space slowly, almost imperceptibly, "if you love it so much, why did you come back?"

  
  


At the same time, he felt a hand on his upper thigh, slowly sliding down toward his knee, _that knee_. Alec panicked as he realized what was happening, Magnus was about to kiss him.

Seconds stretched as if in slow motion, Alec wanted nothing more than to give in to the call of Magnus’ moving lips, but the hand that was still sliding down his leg, relentlessly, was upsetting him more than anything. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn’t let Magnus discover his secret with his touch before he dared to tell him.

  
  


Why? Why hadn't he told Magnus everything before? Now he could have surrendered.

  
  


Instead, when Magnus' soft hand was nearly touching the edges of his prosthesis and his lips were lingering over Alec's ones, so close that he could hear his heartbeat, Alec lurched aside with his hips, reaching the bench’s border, and shot up, his cheeks flushed and his eyes red.

He was perspiring without having even realized it. Magnus was staring at him, wide-eyed, an incomprehensible expression on his face, between hurt, surprise, worry, and need.

  
  


"I ...I can't be here anymore," Alec said and rushed away, as fast as his leg allowed him, tears spilling from his eyes as soon as he turned his back to Magnus.

  
  


He had ruined everything. Rather than talking to Magnus, he had run away and left him there alone, without a word, without an explanation, anything.

He had just ruined the best thing he had ever had. Why hadn’t he had the courage to say everything when he felt Magnus’ touching him? 

  
  


He drove blindly, and the car brought him to his house quicker than ever, he knew they were all waiting for him to call, Jace and Clary, Izzy and Simon. 

He shot the door open and threw himself on the bed, without even removing his clothes, shutting the phone off, not wanting to explain to anyone how the night date had gone. 

  
  
  
  


Magnus woke up with his head hurting. Last night hadn't been what he expected.

After a perfect dinner and a perfect talk, he tried to kiss Alec.

What had come into his stupid mind at that moment he didn't know. He just knew that he wanted, he had been desiring that for such a long time, that he couldn’t think about anything else. 

He’d been selfish. He knew Alec needed time, he had told him he would wait for him, and then what? What had he done? Tried to kiss him?

He shook his head as he went to his phone to check it, but there were no messages or voicemails.

Was Alec angry at him? He had every right to be, but maybe not everything was lost.

He would talk to him, after the concert. He had made a mistake, he was the one who needed to do the first move.

  
  


**_M_ ** : _I think I should make some apologies, meet me after the concert's reception?_

  
  


When Alec saw the message, he had to blink twice and read it again and again, out loud.

Was really Magnus apologizing to him? To him, that had run away? 

He had been crying the whole night and was feeling like shit, his head ached, his eyes burnt as did his throat, and his amputated knee was pulsating, but his heart, his heart now was singing.

He stared at those words, smiling, some tears falling again from the corner of his eyes, and started typing.

  
  


**_A:_ ** _I am the one who should do that. I know that there are no excuses for leaving you there alone, but...if you're willing to listen to what I'll tell you, maybe you can forgive me._

  
  


He pressed the send button quickly and laughed loudly when he saw Magnus replying -- _After the concert, I'm all yours_ \--.

  
  
  


He went swimming, trying to wash the fear, the pain, and the tension away. Magnus had given him another chance, he wasn't going to waste it. Not this time. The terror to lose him had been so devastating that he was ready to risk everything he had.

  
  
  
  


The concert was starting at five, he knew Magnus would have been there at four to rehearse again and do the sound and lights check.

He decided to reach him there, he didn't want to be away from him for a minute longer.

  
  


"Magnus," he said as he saw him standing on the stage beside his cello. He was still wearing his casual clothes, a pair of jeans and a blue shirt, hanging loose on his pants, wide open on his chest and he was barefoot.

Alec wondered if his reaction would have been the same as usual.

  
  


"Alec," Magnus turned and smiled, his eyes shining, "are you okay?" and Alec nodded shily as the sound technicians were walking around the theatre.

"You?" he asked. 

"Yes Alec, I'm okay," and he grabbed his wrist, "let's get this over with, and then, we can start from where we’ve left last night."

  
  


He looked at Alec, at his dark grey shirt, and his black pants, extending a hand to adjust the lapels of his black jacket.

“This color suits you, Alec, now let me do a little soundcheck.”

  
  


He sat on the leather stool and Alec sat in the front row, again, as if he was the only audience, the only spectator of this private exhibition. That was his place, the place he wanted to become his own for the rest of his life, in the front row watching Magnus and his cello, listening to those notes that spoke directly to his heart.

  
  
  


Magnus tried only the starting notes of each music piece, nodding in satisfaction, the sound seemed perfect.

  
  


The hour passed quicker than Alec had planned, and soon he saw Magnus standing up and heading toward the changing room, waving his hand and winking.

  
  
  


The theatre was starting to get crowded, and Alec stood up to greet all the ones who were entering.

At one moment he froze, staring at the main entrance, where he saw Andrew stepping in, hand in hand with another man, a young nurse that Alec remembered very well. His stomach twitched and he had to turn around to control the rage welling up. 

Why had he come? What was he doing here? Many of his co-workers were there, but him? 

  
  


It was their night, their day, he wouldn’t have let Andrew ruin all the effort they had done. 

  
  


“Alec? Alec?” Izzy’s voice dragged him out from his haze.

“Yeah, Izzy, sorry, it… it’s just that Andrew is here… I…”

“He’s here, for real? He had the courage to come here? I’m going to kill him with my bare hands if he tries to do anything to ruin this perfect night”, Izzy fumed, Alec didn’t know what to say anymore. She cooled off the next moment, “Anyway, Alec, I need a name.”

“A name?”

“Alec… all these people have given their money for your project, your charity, they might want to know how it is named. Uhm?”

“I… I need to talk to Magnus, I can’t decide on my own…”

“On that note...how did it go?”

“Ah… not that good, I...I can’t explain Izzy now, let me go …”

“You can’t reach him in the changing room right now, Alec, he’s getting ready, better text him, okay? And… Prepare to stand up when I call out your name. People want to see the face of the man they’re giving their money to.”

Alec took his phone and typed.

  
  


**_A:_ ** _Magnus, we need a name. I was thinking, “Open Arms”_ , _do you like it?_

**_M:_ ** _I couldn’t have thought of anything more perfect. Open arms it is, then._

  
  


In a minute Izzy was stepping on the stage to introduce him, his association, and his project.

She and Clary had done an amazing job, preparing a beautiful slideshow with photographs of the hospital, the kids, the surroundings, and describing all the things they were going to do with all the money they would have gathered.

  
  


When she called his name out loud, Alec stood up, trying to contain the blushing.

  
  


Then it was Magnus' turn. As soon as Izzy said his name, the whole theatre exploded in a loud applause, and he made his entrance.

He was breathtaking, all dressed up on a black tux, again, like the first time Alec had seen him.

There was a sad grace in his movements Alec hadn't noticed before, a glimpse of loneliness in his eyes as he stared at Alec while crossing the distance to his stool, a silent ask, a muted prayer, a need for a pair of _open arms_.

  
  
  


His music, again, was almost an extrasensory ecstatic experience, so perfect, so full and deep, that Alec lost himself in Magnus movements and notes.

Magnus' cello became a bird that took flight under his hands, spreading notes of an incommensurate beauty all over the crowd.

Alec turned to his left and saw his siblings there, lost in awe as they were staring and listening to the miracle which repeated himself each time Magnus moved his bow on the chords.

And a little further he could see Magnus' mother. She looked a lot like him, graceful and beautiful, happy but melancholic at the same time, mysterious but open.

Alec's heart was beating so fast, following the high pitched and the abrupt drops of tone, his eyes never leaving Magnus.

The concert ended with the song Magnus had composed especially for the fundraising, the beguiling, delicate, familiar melody, spreading a magic atmosphere on the invitees. 

  
  


Magnus stood up from his tool while the hands were still clapping, bouquets falling from all over the place on him, his face shining, his eyes glistening.

He was looking at Alec, a complicity now too evident to everyone to go unnoticed.

  
  


Magnus bowed one last time and went behind the stage, joining everyone quickly to the reception room.

Alec was already there, talking with some people Magnus didn't know. After a few journalists blocked him to answer some quick questions, he finally freed himself and came closer to Alec, who welcomed him with a huge thankful smile.

  
  


The night flew by quickly, between people asking information about the project and watching the pictures of the hospital, some congratulating Magnus and Alec, others talking to Izzy that was the best in public relationships. Not only had she sold all the tickets for the concert, but she gently convinced most of the guests to donate something more to the charity and the project, promising them they would receive the upgrades of the progress they were making.

  
  


Around seven pm everyone had already gone away and Alec believed that there were only him and Magnus in the reception room apart from the personnel who were cleaning the place. 

Izzy, Simon, Jace, Clary, and Max had gone half an hour before, knowing that he would have stayed longer to talk to Magnus, and Magnus’ mother had left too, telling that she was waiting for them to visit her soon. 

  
  


The room was empty, Alec standing in a corner of the room, Magnus standing in front of him, a remarkable but pleasurable tension growing thicker between them, a new and almost maddening sensation for Alec. 

  
  


He suddenly became aware of how strongly his body was reacting, he could feel the sweat drops falling from his neck down to the back of his waist, the tingling spreading all down his body, his amputated limb throbbing, the constriction in his chest as if he had a weight pressing on his lungs.

Why did everything seem clearer when you planned it inside your head and became almost unmanageable the moment you had to act it out in real life? Alec tried to steady his breath, thinking about what Jace had told him that morning, but it was easier to say it than actually do it.

  
  


Magnus was waiting, a quiet understanding expression in his eyes, a shy, expectant smile on his face.

  
  


"Magnus I…," he was about to start when he saw a slender, thin, blond figure entering the room and approaching them with a grin on his face, it was Andrew and he was clearly stepping closer to say something.

  
  


All Alec’s confidence flew away immediately, as a panicking fear rose in his chest. What did Andrew have in mind? Why was he coming closer?

Underhill went straight to the spot where Alec and Magnus were talking, they seemed relaxed and comfortable with each other.

"Mr. Bane" his voice hissing, as the one of a sibilant slithering snake.

Alec flinched.

"And you are…?" Magnus turned to look at the man who had just called him. He was annoyed, the man had just interrupted Alec when he was about to open himself to Magnus.

"Underhill. Andrew Underhill. I … I'm the surgeon who's been assigned to Alec's previous position. I wanted to congratulate you, you’re an amazing artist, the concert was incredible.”

Magnus was about to thank him when Underhill turned toward Alec, his evil grin spreading more as he saw the terror in his eyes.

“Alec, hi. Can you explain to me how it is even possible that you have met and convinced someone as amazing as Mr. Bane to follow you considering your situation? I mean, what did you offer him since you don’t even have a job anymore? How can your charity even pay his services?”

Alec was shaking even if he wouldn’t have wanted. Magnus for its part wanted to support him, but as often things go in life, his next question turned out to be the assist Andrew was waiting, to crush Alec on the ground and stomp on his heart.

“And if I’m not too forward, how did it happen that someone like you has been assigned to Mr. Lightwood’s position?”

Alec’s heart dropped, realizing that Andrew would take full advantage of the answer he had to give and that he had just lost his chance to tell Magnus the truth with his own voice, through his own words, in the way he wanted him to know. Burning tears were already stinging inside his eyes.

Andrew’s lips curved in a devilish expression as he stared Magnus in his eyes, knowing that his unbeknownst mouse had run straight into the trap he had set. 

“Since he came back like he is…, as he is now." 

Alec inhaled a short breath of pain, not only Andrew would tell Magnus all the truth, but he would do it little by little, highlighting each and every single information Alec had chosen to omit about himself. 

Magnus would never forgive him.

At the puzzled look on Magnus’ face, Andrew replied with a smirk, his eyes sparkling in the pleasure of hurting Alec even more.

Alec was staring at him defenseless. Why? Why all this cruelty? Could a person become so obsessed by power and enslaved to envy to let out all this spite without any true reason? Alec knew that Andrew was taking his revenge after he had taken away all his original research projects. 

“Alec is not able to perform a proper surgery anymore, not a brain one anyway, and… he probably won’t ever be again."

Underhill seemed so blatantly proud of having taken Alec down in front of Magnus, one of the most outstanding cello players. Sure a man as famous as Magnus was wouldn’t want anything to do with him, with a broken arrow.

More also it seemed like they were _a thing_? Or maybe they were becoming a thing? Andrew could tell that from the desperate look on Alec’s face.

He didn't know that for sure, but he wanted to steal from Alec everything, even this.

Alec on its part felt like dying, the love he felt for Magnus almost as unbearable, as now was the weight of the words he hadn’t been able to tell him. He was just human, and with his still bleeding wounds he had just been afraid that he would have to run away. Alec was " _a lot_ " to take in.

He thought about the dinner and the date night they had just had, about his will to tell him everything, about the way they had almost kissed while Magnus had put his hand on his thigh and started stroking him gently, about his fear of being rejected again, like Andrew had done when he'd discovered what had happened to him, about those tender texts they had shared in the morning, and that last sympathetic look Magnus had given him only a few minutes before. But now, what could he do?

He was trapped in his own cage, dragged in a _no way out_ zone against his will. He could feel his heartbeat quickening, his cheeks reddening and he wasn't sure if he felt more angry or ashamed.

Andrew wanted to deprive him even from this. The chance to tell Magnus about his life, about his leg. The promise of a love to be. Not only the only job he had always wanted to do.

Now, he could clearly feel the rage welling up, mixed with the tears of despair, his hands were closed in fists and his arms were shaking.

He exhaled deeply, waiting for the last blow.

Magnus was speechless, his eyes pointing from Alec to Andrew, his heart beating fast as he was putting all the information together. It was clear, what Andrew was talking about, was the reason why Alec had run away, the sensible chord that Alec had been so afraid to share, the same one he couldn't figure out on his own.

"Oh, really?…,” Andrew said, “So he didn't tell you, I guess, that’s why you’re still here. Well, that’s been unfair of you Alec, but to be honest, … I'd probably be ashamed too...I'm sorry if I've overstepped...I was sure you two were already... intimate…and had already covered this issue.", his smirk already forming now that he had accomplished his goal.

Magnus was starting to feel very uncomfortable, and the look on Alec's face made him worry even more since he seemed to be on the verge of crying.

Before Underhill could speak again, Alec closed his eyes and started speaking in an angry tone through his gritted teeth. He wouldn’t have let Andrew tell Magnus something so important and so private as the loss of his leg, the loss of all he had been before.

"I… I was about to tell him when you stepped in," words heavy like stones in his mouth, and he turned to face Magnus. His eyes softened and filled with tears.

"Magnus…, Andrew has taken my place since I came back, that’s why you’ve never seen me working this month, and this is the same reason why I had to come back from Indonesia, the reason why I'm not able to perform a proper surgery anymore ...because…"

He paused. He thought he could bear it, but he couldn't. It was too much. The hurt, the pain, the loss, the shame. Too much. Magnus had noticed the unshed tears in his eyes, tears that Alec was struggling to fight back. And he realized how much he had fallen for him.

"...because I can't stand firmly on my legs for more than 3 or 4 hours without moving, ...and since I'm a neurosurgeon...I rarely have short surgery sessions...and this ...this is...this is…"

He just couldn't let it out.

Andrew was almost laughing and Alec felt drowning. 

What was going to happen to him now? He had really nothing left.

"...this is because I...I...lost my right lower leg, from my knee to my foot and all the prosthesis I've tried until now… don't allow me to stand still for so long without...feeling sore, and ...when I tried once I...I almost passed out from the pain…," the tears were now falling down relentlessly.

Magnus gasped at hearing Alec's words, the memory of their last night date punched him like a stroke with full force,...his hands trailing down Alec's thigh...he had felt Alec tensing when he had got close to his knee...they were almost kissing, but at that moment Alec had gotten up abruptly and had run away, without an excuse.

He was about to reach out with his hand, when Alec moved toward the door, getting past him and Andrew, without even looking at him.

"I...I…, now you know...everything I should have told you since the beginning,...I ...I… I need to go…"

His last words were spoken when he had already left both of them behind his back.

Andrew was smiling proudly.

When Magnus realized what had just happened it felt like coming out of a trance, of a nightmare where he had been pinned to a wall without having the chance to move, to help Alec, to support him, and the rage instantly blasted inside him.

He hadn't even had the chance to defend Alec, to stand by his side. He had fallen into the web Andrew had masterfully weaved in front of them, a web where Alec had been the only squirming and writhing prey.

He turned to face Andrew, "You… you are disgusting, did anyone ever tell you that before?" 

He was shouting. All the waiters still randomly going around the room stopped to look at Magnus losing his control and aplomb.

"You'll never be anything like him...and when everyone will find out who you really are… you'll be the _nothing_ you deserve to be."

He grabbed his cello’s case and rushed out from the reception hall, taking the stairs two steps at a time. His only thought now was Alec. Where was he? He hated himself for not being able to stop that assault.

He took his phone out of his pocket and tried to call him, but the voicemail was on.

As he ran toward the cab’s station he couldn’t avoid thinking about him, about the pain he must have felt in being exposed like that, forced to reveal something he was about to tell Magnus, something that had taken him so much time to accept, and started crying. 

Had Alec thought that Magnus wouldn’t have found him attractive anymore because of his leg? This was a heady thought and it hurt Magnus more than anything.

He stumbled into Izzy's living room after getting off from the cab.

Izzy was alone at home since Simon had gone to a late-night shift. He didn’t dare to go to Jace, too worried that Alec’s brother would not even let him talk and explain.

Izzy opened the door and looked at Magnus in surprise.

"Magnus? Why are you rushing in like this? Where's Alec?"

"Izzy...have you heard from him? Please, please, tell me that he has called you…," Magnus' voice was brittle.

"No...why? What happened to him?" Izzy suddenly had tensed and was looking at Magnus with angry eyes.

"Izzy.. ."

Izzy went immediately from zero to one hundred, raising her voice and gesturing frantically in front of his face.

"Magnus Bane, now you're going to tell me everything! If you...if you only have hurt him...I will kill you now, heaven and mercy be damned…"

Magnus arched his eyebrows and looked puzzled and surprised.

"Izzy, ... it… it wasn't me…, well not directly me anyway..."

Izzy tried to cool down, searching Magnus' eyes for an explanation and making it clear only with her gaze that it had to be a good one, and that she wasn't going to go easy on him until he had cleared out everything.

"Andrew...Alec...he ran away, but he's not answering… his phone is off...I wish.. I wish I'd…"

“Underhill?” and when Magnus nodded, the ghost of what might have happened took form inside her head.

"Magnus, sit down and tell me, tell me what happened. If Alec is hurt he has probably shut down his phone, it's his usual way of coping...he… when he had been injured he didn't call us for a whole week….he didn't tell us anything. So sit down and tell me."

Magnus started to tell her all that had happened after she had left the reception, how Underhill had practically forced Alec to share his secret right there in front of him, how Alec had looked hurt and lost and how he had finally run away.

"Izzy... I...I need to talk to him." Magnus was looking at his hands and fidgeting.

"So it was true, he hadn't told you anything before? I thought he was just trying to divert my questions."

"No, he hadn't," Magnus' eyes were sad now "Maybe he didn’t trust me enough to accept him as he is…," and his voice was full of pain.

When Izzy saw that look in Magnus’ face, she hugged him.

"Magnus, it's none of my business, but I think Alec was scared. Let me tell you this. It shouldn't have been me, but with everything that happened, I'll do it anyway, so then you know. Before going to Indonesia, Alec had been the youngest best neurosurgeon that his hospital had ever had. He was really the best, Magnus. But he'd never been interested in a career and in money for himself. He wanted to be of help. He loved his job. He loved saving lives. And he was damn good at it. That's why he went there. His équipe performed surgery on kids who had undergone brain damage and limb loss due to anti-personnel mines. He was so happy there. He wasn't scared at all."

She got up and poured some coffee in two cups. She headed one to Magnus and kept on.

"Before leaving, he had been dating Andrew twice. They weren't together, just a couple of dinners and one small kiss on the lips. But Alec trusted him. When he'd left, Andrew promised him he was going to keep his place for him, until he would be back. And Alec believed him. I won't tell you how Alec had been hurt. That is Alec's thing to do, when he'll be ready to talk about it. But just know this. Andrew told him on the phone that he had been dating him only for career purposes just a few days after he was out from the intensive care, smashing on his face that he had never really wanted to be with him, that he didn't want to see him again, and when he came back after almost a month of rehab, he had stolen him his job position ."

Izzy had tears in her eyes and Magnus too.

"Alec…" Magnus sighed.

"Magnus...I know where Alec is. I know where he hides when he's hurt. But before I tell you, keep this in mind. You don't need to tell me what you feel for him. It's not my right to ask. But… if you…, if you're not willing to go all the way with him, leave him now. Don't go there and search for him. Leave him as he is. He'll be hurting, yes. But he will find his way out, with us. Like he did when he came back with nothing left, with his life to reinvent, and many broken pieces to gather. He had a real hard time before meeting you. So, if you're not thinking about him in that way, please just leave him. Now. He’s already expecting you to leave now that you know the truth. That's why he had run away. So, if you leave him now, you'll just be another _jerk_ like Andrew had been. But if you stay, and let him bare his heart and soul to you and then leave, you'll kill him. It's a pain he won't be able to cope with. Not again, not from you."

Magnus was silent. He was taking long deep breaths, trying to swallow all the information he had just received from Izzy.

"I'm not planning to leave anytime soon, Izzy. I...I would tell you how I feel but…, I want to tell him first if you'll let me reach him, tell me where he is Izzy. Please, tell me."

Izzy looked at him.

"I trust you, Magnus. I don't know why, but I do. And I like you. Don't... don't make me regret this. Ever."

Her voice was hard now. Then she stood up and grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil. She wrote down something and handed it to Magnus.

"I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I bet he's here since that’s where he’s been living all this time. It’s gonna be fine, Magnus.”

Magnus stood up and smiled in relief.

"I'll take care of him, Izzy, I promise."

"Don't forget this." She grabbed his cello's case and gave it to him.

"Alec loves hearing you play. Go now, before I change my mind. And…" she took something from her pocket, "... These are my keys, you'll get there sooner if you drive directly from here. Don't worry, we have another car. You can keep it as long as you're there with him."

Magnus kissed her on the cheek.

"I already love you Isabelle Lightwood. I'll make good use of all of this."

He took his cello and rushed down the stairs.

  
  
  



	6. Back To The Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We are made of star-stuff. Our bodies are made of star-stuff. There are pieces of star within us all.” C. Sagan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a long explicit sex scene, full of love and tenderness but also lots of deep feelings and pain too...just so you know what you're getting yourself into...

The Lightwood's lake manor, where Alec had been living all this time, was near a small lake, hidden in an oak forest. The leaves on the trees were already starting to turn yellow, orange, and red, even if it still was late summer. 

It was quiet, far from everyone. He had spent so many days there, before he had decided, after he had come back from Indonesia without his leg, that that house was his safe place.

The first time he had ever lived there for a long time, was when his parents had died. He had gone there with all his siblings trying to find some peace of mind and a way to survive.

Then he’d closed himself in there to concentrate and study when he was preparing his last dissertation, and after that, there had been all those lonely nights after the amputation, and now he was running there again, after Andrew had just stolen from him his last hope, the only thing he’d ever wanted to keep in his life, Magnus. He had lost him before he even had the chance to tell him how he felt.

He wasn’t ready to face that hopelessness again. 

As soon as he got out from the car, he stripped bare, launching his grey suit in the middle of the living room, grabbed the first clothes he found in his drawer, and went out to the lake, throwing the garments and his prosthetic limb on the shore, and storming into the water, the only thing that could ground him, that could give him peace. 

He could swim forever, dive forever, hide in his underwater world forever, his body turning back to life as the water washed over his skin and through his eyelashes, trying to erase the pain he was feeling in his heart through the force of his strokes, but it seemed that the waves and the wind were carrying only one name to his ears, _Magnus._

  
  


On his part, while driving, Magnus was astounded by the beauty of the place. As soon as he left the city behind, the colors of the trees and the sky became almost enchanting.

He hadn’t thought about what he would say to Alec, he just hoped that he would want to listen to him. 

When he finally parked the car he felt as if a big weight was pressed against his heart. Would Alec be mad at him for not saying anything in front of Andrew? For just staying still and silent like an idiot? 

He locked the car and shivered. In that last month that was bringing summer to an end, the night temperature was already getting colder.

He turned toward the lake, the surface covered in purple and orange reflexes, the sunset's colors mirroring in his calm waves.

Magnus suddenly felt at peace. He could understand why Alec loved that place. Whatever storm or argument was about to come, he could take it.

He heard the sound of water splashing. Two strong arms were alternatively coming out and disappearing into the water, and Magnus shuddered at the thought of Alec being almost naked in there.

He slowly approached the lake. Alec seemed like a dolphin, his back rising from the water and then drowning, rhythmically. 

How could he swim with such coordination and power with one-half of his leg missing?

Magnus stood there silently, watching him and thinking about how much he had fallen for that man in such a short amount of time. Alec was everything he had been searching for and he was going to tell him it, no matter what.

When the water was turning his muscles colder, Alec started to swim back toward the shore. As he was about to come out, he raised his head and spotted a figure standing on the shore and staring at him with his arms crossed on his chest, the white shirt of his tux swishing in the breeze, Magnus. 

He stopped swimming instantly as his heart skipped a couple of beats.

_So he had come._

_Here._

_How?_

_Izzy...damn sister._

"I won't get out of the water if you don't turn around," Alec stated simply.

Magnus just smiled softly and turned around.

He could hear the sound of water, steps and rumors on the cobblestones, the rustling of clothes.

Then, unexpectedly, he felt a warm cloth wrapping his shoulders, calming the quivering he hadn't even realized he was feeling.

The voice that followed was even more soothing.

"You're cold. And trembling. You shouldn't have stayed here waiting for me to come out".

"Actually...I enjoyed the view…," Magnus replied, turning around to face Alec.

"Come in. I'll get you some warmer clothes and maybe make something hot to drink."

Alec was embarrassed. He let his arms drop along his sides and started moving toward the house, heading to the front door.

Magnus followed him right behind, and he thought how beautiful Alec looked.

His hair was still wet from the swim, little drops trailing down to the wet shirt that was hanging loose above his low hips jeans.

Now that he saw him walking from behind, now that he knew, Magnus noticed how on that uneven ground, he seemed to hobble a bit, how much effort he was putting to walk as normally as he could, and his heart clenched at the thought of what Alec had to endure, the loss, the pain, everything.

Alec opened the door and turned on the lights, bowing to grab the suit he had thrown away, his plaid shirt rolling up and exposing an inch of his pearly skin.

"Make yourself at home," he told Magnus who had stopped right after the threshold, "the bathroom is down there, in that room at the end of the corridor," he kept moving around, pretending to search for something, never looking at him, "that's my room, you can open the closet and grab a long sleeve shirt. Even a jumper if you're still cold. I'll make some hot chocolate, is it okay for you?"

Magnus was out of breath.

"Yeah...yes Alexander, whatever you do, it'll be okay for me."

Alec finally turned, hearing that shallow breath coming out from Magnus' mouth and smiled tenderly. His eyes weren't angry, there was a glimpse of fear and uncertainty. He was scared, and Magnus wanted nothing more than to hug him, and tell him that everything was fine, that they were fine.

He walked the corridor silently and when he was in Alec's room, he opened the closet and picked up a black loose cotton jumper that seemed a little warmer.

He put it on, and he was struck by the way Alec's scent enveloped him immediately, a mixture of soap and freshly cut grass, and he realized that that was the scent he wanted to fall asleep with, and wake up to, for the rest of his days.

He made his way back to the kitchen, following the noises of earthenware.

Alec had dried his hair with a towel, and was pouring the chocolate in two blue mugs.

He handed one to Magnus.

"Feeling better?", his voice silk on Magnus skin.

"Much better, thank you."

They silently sat on the couch, close, but not touching.

Alec wasn't really sure what to think. He was incredibly glad that Magnus had come, but at the same time he was scared that all that _truth_ he had to take in, maybe had been too much.

He'd probably had come to tell him that, that he was sorry, that he cared for him, but that they couldn't keep on walking the same path they had started. He was prepared to hear that, though it would hurt.

He had been dreaming about having him, about seeing their charity project growing together, about a future life, maybe. He had hoped it while they were dancing that night on the beach.

It was fair though, he thought, he couldn't ask him for more than that, but he knew he was going to miss those deep brown almond-shaped eyes, and that smile.

Magnus was silent too. How to find the right words to open up to Alec, to share with him all the thoughts and emotions that he was feeling, when he didn't even know where to start from?. He knew Alec was hurting now and had been hurt in the past, he needed to choose his words wisely.

"Why did you come here?" - "Why did you run away?", they broke the silence simultaneously and a light chuckle escaped from their mouths.

Magnus gestured to Alec to go first.

"Why did you come?" Alec wasn't looking at him. His eyes were low, his head bowed as if he was expecting a blow, a hard one.

"I wanted to see you," Magnus replied.

"Why?" Alec replied instinctively, as if he was trying to get faster to the point where the harsh reality would have hit him.

"I wanted to talk to you, but you ran away and didn't even give me the chance to say anything."

"Is there really something more to say?" Alec asked him, and this time he couldn't hide the pain in his voice.

"Yes, there is…" Magnus was still weighing the words to use, "...I...I'm sorry you were forced to tell me those things in that way, ...it shouldn't have been so, ...but...I'm glad that now we have the chance to talk about this, about us, unless…,” he paused, “unless you ran away because you don’t want me to be here, and you don’t want to share this part of you with me…”, he stopped again.

While he was still trying to figure out the right words to continue, Alec blurted out, “I ran away because I’m in love with you.”

_He’d done it. He’d said that._

Magnus’ mind went completely blank. He had been prepared for everything, but not for those blunt, open, unashamed feelings.

“…and… I thought that, that _me_ , all that I am, was just too much for you to process. I’m, … I’ve been broken, Magnus, badly. I’ve been in places where it had been hard to find me and bring me back. I don’t want to go there again. I can’t. For myself and for the ones who care for me…, I ran away because I was scared, and so if you have something to tell me, say it now.”

Alec was barely breathing, looking at the floor, and Magnus was staring at him, his tongue thick and tangled, his heart loudly screaming in his ears.

“…why did you go to Izzy?”

Magnus gasped and Alec chuckled softly.

“Don’t be surprised… she’s the only one who could have told you where to find me and… You must have had a good point, if she lent you her car to get here…”

In the meantime, Magnus was still processing Alec's words. He said he loved him, and he hadn’t said anything back.

His mouth was dry. “Yes, it seems I convinced her Alexander, I…,” and Alec closed his arms on his chest, as if he was bracing himself, ready to feel the pain again, sighing more loudly than he had intended.

Magnus didn’t miss it, and a sad thought crossed his mind. Alec was expecting him to go away and leave him alone, so he reached out with one hand, placing it gently on his shoulder, it was his turn now to say it out loud.

“I came here to tell you that I love you too…, but you head started on me,” he fell silent, waiting for Alec to do something.

Alec's breath caught in his chest, had he heard it right? He had dreamt about it, wished for it, but never really believed it could become true.

No one of them was moving or shifting toward the other.

“To be completely honest, “ Magnus resumed, “I had planned to tell you last night, on our date, but…, but you ran away when I tried to kiss you. I know that you were interested in me, but when you ran away I just couldn’t figure out why. Today Izzy …told me a few things about how Underhill has betrayed you…, he’s nothing, Alec, I never gave him a bit of credit while he was accusing you of lying to me…He had no right to push you like that, and I am so sorry I wasn't able to say anything to help you."

Alec finally raised his eyes.

“Did Izzy tell you… everything?”, his cheeks were slightly reddening, he seemed worried again.

Magnus squeezed his hand around his shoulder.

“No. She said it should have been you. If and when you were ready for it.”

“Well…, “ Alec wouldn’t have wanted, but he was babbling, “you...you... know about my leg now, anyway…,” he sighed and looked down again.

Magnus moved closer to him. “Is that why you ran away on our date when I was stroking your thigh?”, Magnus needed to know.

Alec sighed, “Yeah, I didn’t want you to discover that from touching me. I wanted to tell you that night, but…”

“Did you think I would have freaked out?”

“…I…I…, I feel ugly, Magnus. Undesirable. You’re so beautiful, and perfect, and I’m just _this_ , “he concluded, “who would want this when he can have everything?”, and his voice cracked on the last words.

Magnus was out of words. Ugly, undesirable?

“…is it…, did this thought come to your mind after being injured?” 

Alec exhaled deeply and Magnus regretted his words the moment they left his mouth.

“…sorry Alexander, you don’t have to answer if it makes you feel uncomfortable.”

“…yes and no…, “Alec muttered, “ _No_ , because I’ve never felt attractive in my whole life, not even when it was evident that someone considered me so, and _yes_ because this _thing_ ,” he brushed his knee, “this has literally crashed my self-image,…and the fact that Andrew left me after the accident, well we weren’t really a thing, but his choice just confirmed that I wasn’t desirable anymore. I still don't feel this body as completely _mine_.”

Magnus felt the urge to do something. He shifted on the couch so that he was now close to Alec, their arms and legs touching, and gave him a feather kiss on his temple, making him close his eyes, and shiver under the warm touch and the deep affection it carried.

“You’re beautiful Alexander, just the way you are,” he breathed in Alec’s ear, and his breath was intoxicating for Alec’s already clouded mind.

Magnus leaned again, his gentle lips slowly heading down, following Alec’s jawline, toward his chin. Alec was frozen still, his eyelids closed and trembling, every nerve ending quivering under Magnus' caring and loving touch.

Magnus’ left hand cupped his chin and gently coaxed him to turn his head.

Alec parted his lips slightly, without even realizing he was doing that, as Magnus opened his own just a moment before meeting Alec's ones, and then they were kissing.

A strangled moan left Alec as his mouth and lips opened reflexively to the gentle brush of Magnus' tongue, letting him in, both of them pouring in it all the love, the hunger, the urgency, and the happiness they were feeling. 

Alec was now completely facing Magnus, gently nipping his lower lip, one hand closed around his neck, the other circling his waist and roaming along his back, pulling him closer, and Magnus felt as if he had never been kissed before.

This was Alec, utter abandon, blind trust, unashamed openness, his whole body opening up for Magnus to slot in place and never leave.

Alec shifted back on the couch, leaning against the fabric, dragging Magnus with him, their chests pressing together, their heartbeats merging, the movements of their tongues and hands slowly getting them drunk.

Alec had dreamt of Magnus’ hands on him so many times in the last days that now he couldn’t stop, even if he feared the moment they would have had to remove their clothes, desire burning inside him, the same he could clearly see mirrored in Magnus’ eyes.

When Magnus slid his hands down to his hips and thighs he felt Alec’s muscles tensing again under his touch. He forced himself to pull back and placed his palms on his chest.

“Alexander, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I love you and whatever you decide will be okay for me. It’s more than enough having you like this, close to me, kissing you, touching you."

Alec pressed his forehead on Magnus’ and inhaled a deep, long breath.

“I’ve fallen in love with you the first time you entered that room, Magnus. The first time I heard you playing and I saw your gentle fingers swaying on the chords of your cello, and every day more after that first one. I’ve been dreaming about this, but I never dared to hope that I could really have you, hold you in my arms, telling me that you love me back, seeing the desire in your eyes, feeling the need and the hunger in your touch…I want this, Magnus. I want you. Just…, will you help me through it? Will you take my hand and guide me? Will you hold me if I falter? I never allowed anyone to see me, my body, after the accident. Not Jace, not Izzy, anyone.”

Magnus pulled back a little more, he was panting and his eyes were filled with unshed tears. 

Alec had just given him the most invaluable of all gifts… his trust. An unimaginable, sincere, overwhelming trust.

“Alexander, I…I don't know what to say."

Alec smiled.

“Just say yes," repeating him the same words Magnus had used in their very first encounter.

"Then yes, yes to everything."

"I trust you, Magnus. It’s just that… I’m not that comfortable with my body anymore, I might… try to hide from your gaze or…act as if I want to pull back…, but it’s not. So... don't stop if you see me shy away, I want this, I want you. I don’t know how to put my head around the fact that you are attracted to me, even if I don’t feel desirable anymore," his cheeks were crimson.

Magnus smiled and grabbed Alec’s right hand from where it was resting on Magnus’ knee. Slowly, but determinately he traced the line from his leg to his groin, lowering Alec’s fingers on the bulge that was now evident under his pants.

“Does it seem like you’re not desirable to me? Do you think it will be like this if I thought you were unattractive?”

“I’m still all dressed up, Magnus. I ...I fear that you wouldn’t like me when you’ll finally see me…”

Magnus shushed him with a kiss, his heart clenching at the thought of Alec wanting to hide himself from him, and Alec responded with renewed arousal and passion.

Magnus withdrew just enough to look at him in the eyes, “Can I open it?”, his fingers ghosting over the buttons of Alec’s shirt.

Alec nodded and hid his face in the crook of Magnus’ neck, wanting to fade away in Magnus’ beauty, but Magnus hooked his chin between his thumb and index fingers, gently pulling it up.

“None of this, I want to see you, I’ve been dreaming to do this so many times, Alexander, you cannot even imagine,” and Alec trembled under the lust and desire leaking out from his voice.

Magnus started undoing the buttons of his shirt, slowly, his lips tentatively following his hands as they slid lower, exposing the center of Alec's chest, his pecs, covered in soft curly black hair, and Magnus couldn’t resist.

He lowered his head down, aligning it with the opening, and softly traced the line from Alec’s sternum to his neck with his tongue, flat and warm, making Alec quiver under the soft maddening pressure, feeling as if he was about to faint. 

Magnus was humming on his skin, his moans becoming louder and louder when Alec's hand tugged his head up, holding him still where he was, and mouthed at his adam apple, sucking and licking at it, until Magnus was breathing hard, fumbling with Alec’s belt buckle.

“Bedroom?” Magnus whispered.

“Yeah, bedroom,” Alec sounded so far gone that Magnus’ heart fluttered in his chest, filled with the joy of being the source of it.

Magnus stood up, entwining his fingers with Alec’s and pulling him up, already knowing where to guide him, pushing him backward, their joint hands gently pressing on Alec’s bare chest.

They were both giggling, kissing, their foreheads touching, their noses brushing, and Magnus thought that he never wanted that smile to fade away from Alec’s face. He was so beautiful, as happy as he was now.

They kept on moving, faltering and stumbling, and this time his altered and jerky movements seemed the most natural and beautiful thing he had ever experienced.

The bed was there in the middle of the room, and Alec thought about how beautiful it was that his first time was about to happen exactly in that bed. The same bed where he had laid nights and nights crying, trying to fight the nightmares and the flashbacks, trying to make peace with his new life. The same bed where he’d been awake staring at his residual limb, touching it and thinking that no one would ever desire him as he was now. The same bed where he threw his prosthesis away so many times out of rage, in those days when standing on it felt too painful and too much. The same bed where he’d been lying on that night that he thought about dying. Now, that same bed was welcoming him and Magnus. 

It felt so good, a sort of rebirth.

He suddenly realized he hadn’t told Magnus that he had never made love with anyone before. But maybe Magnus had guessed it? From the few things, they’d shared about their private life? Still, he wanted to make it clear.

Then another thought crossed his mind, again. That first time would have brought up another first, stripping bare in front of someone else since he’d lost his leg. So many firsts on the same night.

When his legs touched the edge of the bed, Magnus spun them so that he was the one to fall on it first, a gesture so full of caring that it made Alec’s heart clench.

Then, tugging gently at their still entwined hands, Magnus pulled him down, next to him, raising up to sit next to him, their arms touching, their breaths mingling. 

Their bodies were craving the closeness they were sharing until a second before, but they both knew that words had to be said before they could engage in something more.

Magnus looked at Alec and brushed his knuckles on his face, gently, “How far do you want to go tonight, Alec?” and Alec smiled, his dimples deepening on his blushing cheeks.

“So you guessed?” he whispered, as loud as his stammering heart allowed him to.

“Well I just put two and two together… you told me you were too busy taking care of your siblings, then… I suppose Indonesia wasn’t really the best place to think about that…”

Alec turned serious again, deepening his gaze, wanting Magnus to know that he meant everything he was about to say.

“As far as you want to bring me,” he blurted out, barely speaking.

Magnus’ world stopped for a moment. Was really Alec offering him everything, just as simply as he was? All of him?

“Back to the stars, right where you belong,” he whispered back, leaning closer and pressing his lips on Alec’s neck, sucking gently at first, then darting his tongue out, tracing the line of his jaw as soft as a feather touch, as he resumed the task of unbuttoning Alec’s shirt completely, sliding his palms under the soft fabric and pushing it over his shoulders, letting it fall behind Alec’s back, gasping softly at the sight.

Alec removed Magnus' jumper and started undoing his white shirt, his fingers trembling in excitement and expectation. 

Magnus joined him, closing his hands on Alec’s ones, guiding his movements.

Once it was fully open, he shrugged it off from his shoulders and kissed Alec again, his tongue following the outline of his lips.

“Can you shift back for me?” he mumbled against Alec’s mouth, and Alec complied, raising up on his elbows, dragging his whole body up to the headboard.

His heart was pumping so hard he could feel it echoing in the tip of his knee, right where his leg had been cut.

Magnus was looming on top of him, kissing his lips one more time, before sliding down again, chuckling at the tickles Alec’s chest hair was giving him. When he was just above one of Alec’s nipples, he raised his head again, searching for Alec’s eyes, waiting for his permission to move on.

Alec nodded, barely raising his chin up, and Magnus dropped on his elbows, circling one nipple with his tongue, before closing his lips on it without warning. 

Alec’s back arched off the bed, a long dragged out moan leaving his lips, his hands instinctively shooting out to search for Magnus, closing around his bare low waist, pulling him down and closer, their erections brushing through their clothes, an overwhelming desire taking over their wills.

Then Alec let his hands slide lower, cupping Magnus’ ass and squeezing it, “I want to see you,” he muttered.

Magnus pulled back on his knees, staring at him, knowing that what was at stake was more than sex itself.

He adjusted between Alec’s spread legs and rested his palms on his flanks, waiting, a clear invitation to Alec to take care of it.

Alec stretched out his arms and went straight to Magnus’ belt to undo it. He opened the button and then slid down the zipper, sliding his hands to Magnus’ sides, stopping them there, and savoring the moment, his warm breath coming out in small quick puffs.

Magnus smiled and nodded, swaying just that little so that his open jeans slipped a bit lower, exposing his hip bone. Alec pressed his thumbs on it, softly brushing the skin, and then grabbed Magnus’ pants and briefs in his hands, yanking them down gently and slowly, until they had reached Magnus’ knees.

Magnus remained still, right where he was, shuddering under the scrutiny of Alec’s hungry eyes that were scanning him, with love and lust.

In the attempt to kiss him, Alec moved up, contracting his abs, surging from where he was, and Magnus could just stare and lick his lips.

“Do you think they would soften under my tongue?” Magnus asked, tracing the outline of his muscles with his index finger.

Alec moaned and closed his eyes, “God Magnus, come here,” and he wrapped him in his arms.

He could feel every inch of Magnus’ body pressing into him, and he realized that he wanted, he just wanted. He retreated a little, moved downward on the bed, and cocked his head aside. 

Closing his eyes he approached Magnus’s cock and kissed the tip first, with his lips soft and still closed, and then darted his tongue out, swirling it around the head.

Magnus’ knees buckled and gave out, but Alec was there, his strong arms tightening around him, keeping him close and in place.

He really didn’t know what had gotten into him… or maybe yes, he did, … he felt alive so alive, like he’d never felt before. He could feel his blood rushing through his veins, his muscles contracting and relaxing, his stomach fluttering. 

That was what Luke had meant when he’d told him that he would have found a way to feel alive again.

Magnus had given him his life back, a life that now was even fuller and more precious than the one he had before, since they were together now, Magnus was with him, two single lives that had become one.

As he kept moving along Magnus’ body he could feel him coming undone under his lips and his tongue, like a flower opening under the gentle touch and warmth of the rays of the sun.

“I love you,” he breathed out on Magnus’ skin, “more than these words can say, Magnus,” he raised his eyes to look at him and found him staring back at him, his caramel cheeks a little flushed, a shy smile in his lips.

Magnus bent to kiss him, “I love you too, beautiful warrior, now let me,” and he gently pushed Alec back, getting down from the bed to get rid of his pants and briefs completely, and stopping a moment at the edge of it to look at Alec who was waiting for him with his eyes wide.

_Open arms_ , he thought.

He was standing naked, in front of Alec, realizing that this was a first time for him too. He knew that as soon as his body would have lied on top of him, Alec would have closed his arms on his back, and found his scar. 

He wanted to be the first, he wanted to show his wounds to Alec, he wanted Alec to know that there was nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. Nothing. They loved each other and that love was a safe place for both of them were to bare their hearts and souls.

He climbed back on the bed and lowered himself on top of him, letting Alec embrace him.

His breath stuttered as he felt Alec’s fingers ghosting on his skin, sliding up from his lower waist to his shoulders, trembling in anticipation. 

Suddenly Alec felt a smoother, irregular line of skin standing out on Magnus’ shoulder.

His breath hitched, as his fingers traced it twice, he knew what that was, it was unmistakable, a long, wide, unpatched scar. He kept trailing his trembling finger on it, feeling Magnus shaking under his touch.

“This is a first for me too Alexander,” Magnus whispered against Alec’s shoulder, “I’d never let anyone touch that scar before, always leaving it out of the other’s arms reach. It reminds me of sad places and days. I never wanted anyone to ask me why it is there, but if you want to know, I’ll tell you. Consider this as my gift to you, my silent way to tell you that for me it's you, the one I have been waiting for all my life."

The words had been soft and muffled against Alec’s skin, but Alec had heard them loud and clear inside his heart. Letting him find and touch that scar, had been Magnus’ way to tell him that he could let go too, that he could surrender and lower his defenses, because Magnus would have been there to catch him, as Alec was now.

“This,” Alec whispered caressing the wound again, “this makes me love you even more. Come on now… my turn… undress me…,” and he took Magnus’ left hand and brought it to the button of his jeans, and Magnus softened in front of that utter act of surrender.

He undid his pants, Alec's eyes never leaving him, begging to be loved and accepted for who he was. As he opened the zip, he slid one hand inside the opening and gently stroked him through his briefs, slowly and lovingly, coaxing Alec to relax in his arms, smiling at the soft low moans he was making, then he moved his hands to Alec’s sides, looking at him and searching for reassurance.

Alec answered, lifting his hips, squinting his eyes shut as Magnus finally stripped him bare, leaving him naked, his cock twitching on his abs, his breathing frantic.

_Strange_ , Alec’s thought. This should have been the most embarrassing moment for him, but it wasn’t, and Manus knew that too. 

He closed his fingers around Alec’s dick and gave him a couple of loose slow upstrokes, making his hips buck up, searching for more friction.

Alec’s body was instinctively responding to Magnus’ touch, but they both knew that his mind wasn’t fully there. They needed to work out the other problem first, then Magnus could get back there, could resume his touches.

He gently closed his lips around the head, and started lowering his pants along his toned, strong but quaking thighs, until he stopped right above his knees.

Magnus’ fingers were trembling too.

_God help me please, please help me to do this right._

He was lingering there, not really knowing what to do.

“It will be easier if you strip my left leg first,” Alec blurted out, and he raised his knee to help Magnus sliding the pants down.

“You’ll have to do all the work now,” Alec whispered and threw himself back on the pillows, exhaling a deep breath.

His head was spinning. Even if he trusted Magnus he was scared that the sight of his leg would have made him uncomfortable, or would have killed the mood, forever.

Magnus’ heart constricted at the sight.

“Alexander, look at me. Raise on your elbows, please, I want you to look at me.”

“Magnus… I...I can’t...”

“Yes, you can. We can. I want you to see with your eyes how much I want you.”

Alec couldn’t understand how he could still be so aroused and turned on despite the anguish he was feeling.

As Magnus shifted again to remove the pants from his injured leg, he lifted on his elbows, his heart stammering in his chest. They looked at each other for one long deep neverending moment, and all that Alec could see in those brown chocolate eyes was love, and desire. He rose until he was sitting, then took Magnus’ hand in his and dragged his jeans down, with him, together.

Their hands were shaking and when they’d gone past the point where Alec’s knee fitted into the prosthetic limb he closed his eyes and stopped. It was too much.

Magnus leaned forward and kissed him, gently, as he kept on sliding the garment down even more, until the prosthesis was completely uncovered and free.

Alec had his eyes still closed and he was panting, the sight making Magnus break, he was now sinking deep into Alec’s soul and he could clearly understand how much that meant. For both of them. There was no turning back. Izzy had been right. He could have killed Alec in this state of frailty and vulnerability, he could have shattered him in pieces, and this power Alec had given him, had him falling in love with him even more.

He hadn’t fully realized until now what it would have meant. Alec was a fluttering butterfly in his hands, waiting frantically for his palm to open and let him free him again.

He stilled, waiting for Alec to be ready, to take that leap. Everything around them was silent. 

Alec opened his eyes, scared. He searched for Magnus’ eyes and smiled as he saw love, gratitude, and… desire. Magnus’ pupils were as dilated as they were before, and he was still fully hard.

“Remove it,” he said, his voice low and unsure, “I don’t want it to restrain my movements. It’s easy,” he added, silently praying that he wasn’t asking for too much, “you just have to pull it down, you won’t hurt me, don’t worry, go on.”

Alec’s heart had never beaten so hard and hectic, smashing against his ribs so loudly that he thought it was about to explode.

Magnus did as Alec had told him, and as he pulled the knee out from the prosthesis he saw Alec closing his eyes again. He was so exposed and fragile, naked and bare in front of Magnus’ eyes, so totally and completely defenseless in his hands.

Magnus removed the limb and gently landed it on the floor.

Alec was visibly tense under his hands and all he wanted to do at that moment was show him that he wasn’t alone anymore, that all the pain he had to endure, the loneliness he had to face, was now gone, forever, so he shifted to the end of the bed, lowered his head and tentatively placed a light feather kiss on Alec’s exposed stump.

Alec gasped and opened his eyes wide, he was expecting everything, but not this.

The skin on his residual limb was so sensitive, and Alec was used to feeling only pain coming from that part of his body since he’d been hurt. The pain after the amputation, the pain after the first time he’d worn a prosthesis, the pain when he was learning to walk again, the pain each time he tried to stand on it for too long, and the pain he felt each time he saw it.

But now, it was all different, his nerves ending were lightening up and calling him to life for a totally different reason.

Since Alec hadn’t stopped him, Magnus continued. He parted his lips, licked them twice, and started to cover Alec’s stump with open mouth wet kisses, then he used his tongue, flattening it against the big rounded scar, right where the new skin had been attached to his thigh, gently licking as if he wanted to soothe the wound, like a wolf would have done with an injured puppy.

Alec hadn’t even realized that he’d started crying. Steady warm tears were flowing down his cheeks as he saw Magnus worshipping his body.

Emotions were winning him down, he fell back on the pillow and surrendered to the sobs that overtook him, covering his eyes with his forearm.

Magnus’ heart stopped. Had he gone too far? He rose back until he was hoovering on Alec’s face, wanting to kiss him.

“Did I make you feel uncomfortable?” his voice was barely a whisper.

Alec shook his head, briefly.

“Do you want me to stop?” and Alec made another _no_ with his shaking head.

Magnus smiled. Alec was just overwhelmed by his feelings, trapped between the fear of rejection that he had been holding back and the need to let it all go, for maybe the first time in his whole life.

Magnus gently wrapped his hand around Alec’s wrist and tried to remove it, but Alec was resisting him, so he started to kiss away the tears on his cheekbones, and skim his thumbs on his jaws.

Then he brushed his lips and muttered between the kisses, “You’re so beautiful, Alexander. So strikingly beautiful. Your eyes, your mouth, your chest, your leg. The scars you carry make you even more beautiful, more worthy of being loved. Look at me Alexander, I love you, all of you. Look at me please.”

He pushed a little harder on Alec’s forearm until he felt him surrender under the touch. His eyes were red and glassy. Magnus kissed one eyelid, then the other.

“Thank you for giving yourself to me. Thank you for letting me in. You are beautiful, so incredibly beautiful.”

Alec felt the tears falling down again, and then he felt Magnus licking them away, until Alec cupped his face between his palms and started kissing him back, hungrily and thankfully.

Their bodies were now pressed together, and there wasn’t an inch of skin left uncovered. Magnus started to roll his hips softly, against Alec, making him moan.

“M… Magnus,” Alec’s voice was still quivering for the crying, “make love to me, will you?”

“Are you sure? It’s already been a lot for you, today.”

“You don’t want to?” and Magnus ground down hard this time.

“Does it feel like I don’t want to? I haven’t changed my mind, I want you now evermore,” and he kissed him, pushing his tongue in his mouth.

Alec bucked his hips up, their cocks sliding, “Take me, Magnus,” he said, “as fragile and wounded as I am now, I want you to. I need you to. I love you.”

“Oh God, Alexander, you’re so incredible, what did I do to deserve you?”

He shimmied down along Alec’s body, sucking the soft skin of his thighs, until he reached Alec’s dick, and closed his mouth on it.

Alec tensed at the sensation and let out a suffocated groan, clenching the sheets in fists as Magnus kept bobbing his head up and down, his eyes shut, his lips slightly parted, his mind full of Magnus, and only him.

When Alec arched his back with such force that he ripped the sheets, Magnus stopped abruptly. 

“I haven’t got any condoms,” he said.

Alec looked at him, blinking and forcing his mind to think.

“I… I’ve never done anything and...you told me you’ve been tested last month. Have you done …?”

“No, nothing. Not even a kiss. I was waiting for my prince,” and he smiled, "Have you got any lube?”

“Ah… no, … but… I have a bottle of almond oil that I use to hydrate and soothe my knee when I remove the prosthesis…”

He stopped and blushed, as he realized that he had just suggested using oil instead of lube, just to convince Magnus to go on.

Magnus laughed, “That’ll do. I’ll make good use of it darling, where is it?”

How beautiful it was. Being in love and loved back. Flirting, kissing, giggling, touching, desiring, dreaming.

Alec closed his hand around Magnus’ neck and brought him down again, parting his lips and licking in, searching with his tongue and sucking.

Magnus shifted a little, moving toward the nightstand where the oil was, and returned his attention to Alec, who was staring at the ceiling, fidgeting with his hands, his residual limb brushing the sheets relentlessly, as if he didn't know where to position it, what to do with it.

It still felt strange, lying there under the dim lights, his body out in the open, for Magnus to see.

When Magnus' body covered him, it was easier, lost in the streams of passion and beguiled by his brain, he forgot everything, but now, exposed and naked, he felt the urge to cover himself.

He turned a bit on his side grabbing the sheets, when a hand stopped his arm, "Don't you dare hide yourself from me. Never. I know you don’t feel beautiful, and attractive, and desirable, but to my eyes, you are everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I want to see you, to touch you,” and he reached out with one hand to stroke him again, lazily, twisting his wrist when he reached the tip, as he repositioned himself between his spread legs.

Alec shook his head and blushed, arching his back chasing the touch, “It’ll take me a little time, but… ah, I’ll...ah...try…,” the words came out interspersed with moans and gasps.

Magnus opened the bottle and poured a generous amount of oil in one hand, coating his fingers, then he turned the bottle upside down right above Alec's shaft, his palm curling and closing on the head, spreading it down.

Alec's thighs moved inward when he felt Magnus' fingers tracing soft incoherent circles around his entrance, getting him wetter, trying to lessen some of the tension that’s crept back into him. Magnus took his time, opening him and preparing him, showering him with kisses, tender, loving words and soft touches, until Alec had to stop him when everything felt so much and intense, that he was writhing, his thighs shaking and his belly contracting reflexively, before he crossed the point where there was no turning back.

It felt incredible, the love Magnus was pouring in each gesture, in every single movement, in each caress of his hands, in each thrust of his fingers, and Alec thought that everything, everything had been worth living if this is was where he was meant to be in the end, if Magnus was the reward for all that suffering, everything was now sparkling under a new bright light.

His legs were spread wide, Magnus was on his heels, both of his hands on Alec’s hips, his eyes drinking him in, his fingers digging in his skin, both of them panting in need.

Magnus grabbed a couple of pillows. Then Alec felt him sliding his palms under him, cupping his ass cheeks and lifting him up, and he asked himself how Magnus could be so strong and graceful at the same time, a gesture of power and of gentleness, and care.

Once he was settled back on the pillows, Magnus took the oil again, to slick himself, but Alec stopped him, his eyes were wide and all black, his eyelids still wet from the tears, his chest heaving, covered in sweat drops, open and unharmed, "you're so beautiful Alexander, you take my breath away." 

"I want to," Alec's voice low and husky, and he extended his palm, cupping it to gather the oil, and closing it around Magnus, his fingers gently skimming the sensitive skin, gliding up and down, and Magnus thought that he'd never been touched with such care, tenderness, desire, and reverence. 

Alec was using both of his hands, alternating between stronger upstrokes and gentle downwards ones, twisting his wrists, his fingers fondling his sac, skimming between the few pubic hairs, until Magnus was bucking his hips chasing the touch.

He slowly scooted closer, until the blunt head was teasing Alec, his hands spreading him, making him tense in anticipation, “Oh my god,” he breathed out.

Magnus gently lowered his hands on Alec's thighs and he could feel Alec tense again, and shift nervously.

"Do you trust me?” 

“ Yes," Alec answered without a doubt, his voice sure and firm, and Magnus was astounded again by the quickness of his answer.

He hooked Alec under his left knee and landed his leg over his shoulder, then he closed his fingers around the other thigh, curling them just above the amputated knee, lifting it up and landing it on his chest, his hand pressing firmly into the skin, making it stick perfectly, "I want this here, right where my heart beats," and at these words he pushed in, his head dropping back as he heard the low drawn-out moan that left Alec's parted lips.

He pulled back before pressing in again, a little deeper, repeating the motion, his movements becoming a little more confident, as Alec's body relaxed around him, sliding deeper with a few deliberate rolls of his hips, always searching for any sign of pain or discomfort, until he stopped when his skin was flush against Alec's one.

Then Alec smiled at him, as if he was the sun after days of pouring rain, a fount in the desert, a light after having wandered alone and lost in the dark, and Magnus' heart cried out in joy, a melody of rebirth and promises, of dreams came true and healed wounds. 

"You can move," Alec breathed out and shifted, making him slide deeper, their moans harmonizing in one beautiful sound.

Magnus turned his head gently, lowering his open mouth to Alec's stump and placing a wet kiss there, pressing the limb tighter against him as he felt it quiver, bracing himself on it before pulling almost all the way out, then pushing back in, deep.

Alec needed something to hold on to, as Magnus picked up the pace, his thrusts becoming harder and aimed, Alec's back arching and shuffling back with each slam of his hips.

Magnus saw those hands shaking against the sheets, his fingers grasping the air, so he entwined one hand with his, and at the same time Alec brought his other hand up to the headboard, clutching the iron bars with his fist, and this brief movement changed the angle a little, so that Magnus pressed right up into his prostate.

Alec was shaking in Magnus’ arms when he started to lose his rhythm, until his spine bowed, he went taut, his hips jerking up then stilling, a high-pitched sob filling the air as he spilled between them, his convulsions dragging Magnus over the edge at the same time, grinding deep inside of him.

Magnus' legs gave out and he let himself fall on Alec's chest, breathing hard against his sweaty skin, low moans and hums coming out from their mouths as their bodies were still a bit quivering in the aftermaths.

Alec closed his legs around Magnus, his left limb landing on his calf, the right one mirroring the movement and pressing on Magnus' thigh, as if his phantom limb was entwining with his legs too.

"I still can feel it," he started softly, "as if it was there. Even now. I can feel it pressing on your thigh, but I know it's not."

Magnus shifted a little on his side, resting his head on Alec's chest.

"I...I was walking on that land searching for injured kids...they had told me there were antipersonnel mines...but...I didn't think…,"

He stopped, Magnus circled his waist, and his fingers brushed his ribs.

"...I just heard a blast and…then there was blood, so much blood and...pieces of limbs...and...I collapsed hearing screams in my head...the same screams that still wake me up at night...I…"

"You have nightmares?" Magnus mumbled on his chest.

"Yeah, I do... I'm sorry I'll probably wake you…"

Magnus left a soft kiss on his nipple, "You'll never wake up alone again in the middle of the night, I'll be here."

Alec brushed his lips on Magnus' hair, humming, he was happy, so happy, his hands were roaming on Magnus' back, clutching at his skin and squeezing it, making Magnus tickle.

"...'m sorry, I ...I think I just need to prove myself that you're really lying here in my arms…"

His hands wandered up to Magnus' shoulder and his fingers skimmed the outline of his scar. He tensed, feeling Magnus shivering again under the touch.

"My father hit me with a broken glass," Magnus muttered, as he found the courage to speak about that night for the first time in his life, "the night I tried to stop him when he was leaving us…, I am terrified of being abandoned, Alec," he felt a lump in his throat and gasped as Alec's arms closed tightly on his back, pressing him against his body.

"I love you," Alec whispered between his hair, "and I won't let you go now that I've found you."

Magnus shifted up to face him.

"I have always been dreaming of having a pair of arms holding me and rocking me to sleep, keeping me safe when I feel like falling apart. I love you too."

He leaned and kissed him, gently at first, then more demanding, sensing Alec coming to life again under the pressure of his touch.

"Now why don't you return me the favor? Uhm?"

Alec laughed and pushed him down on his back, as his mouth left Magnus' lips until they were lost again, in the joy of life, a journey, that had just begun, that held the promise of forever.

  
  
  


  
  



	7. Open Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If love is what you want, baby here I am, If tenderness is what you need, I've got that to give, If you need some affection, Baby these are open arms, Open arms, open arms, open arms, oh open arms” - T. Chapman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This beautiful journey has come to an end, but...
> 
> ... me and  
> [WithFlowerAndBlood](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithFlowerAndBlood/pseuds/WithFlowerAndBlood) were thinking about adding a couple of timestamps to have a little more Malec moments....so maybe you'll see them again soon...
> 
> I thank you all for reading this and hope you enjoyed it as much as I did while writing

"Are you okay?" Magnus asked him as they took seats on the plane that was taking them to Vancouver to meet the prosthetist who had promised Alec he could help him.

Alec brushed his fingers on his cheek.

"Yes, I'm all good. You're here with me- when I was supposed to go alone and face all this on my own. I couldn't have asked for more, Magnus. I feel I can face anything now that you're here with me. More also... it's our first trip together…"

Magnus smiled, "I love you, Alexander," he said, "I love you so much,” and let Alec press his lips on his neck, while their hands entwined as they watched the plane took off, their hearts full of wishes and hopes, basking in the happiness they had been sharing in those last ten days.

  
  
  


Magnus had moved in with Alec after that first night, since it seemed the most natural thing to do for both of them.

He was working on his new album and Alec's quiet home beside the lake was just the perfect place for the inspiration he needed to concentrate on his work. He even played outside in the big grass lawn while Alec used to lay down and read, or study for his research project.

  
  


On his part, Alec slowly forced himself to walk around the house without putting the prosthesis on, as he did when he was alone, and he realized it felt surprisingly beautiful and good, being himself with no shame, letting Magnus take care of him when he felt tired, allowing him to wash him, to spread the oil on his knee and give him massages, or just to cuddle without worrying about where his leg was.

  
  


On their first morning together, Alec had put it on for the whole day, until, when they were undressing for the fifth time, their hands roaming everywhere, Magnus whispered in his ear, "Do you keep putting it on for you, or do you do that for me? Uhm? Because if you need more time to feel comfortable without it when I'm around then it's fine, but if you're doing it cause you think that the sight makes me uncomfortable, just know that it's not,” and he kissed him, “actually I like the sounds you make when I kiss it,” his tongue already traveling down.

Alec stopped to think about it, and pulled back a little, trying to clear his mind, "Ehm...I don't know...maybe...b… b...both?", but Magnus grabbed him again, and took his lips in a searing kiss, "You have to stop stuttering so nicely if you want to be able to leave this bed…,"

  
  


In those ten days, they had been completely lost in each other, talking and spending time together. They walked in the woods, they swam, they worked on the charity project, they made love and played together many times, especially at night. Every time Alec woke up from a nightmare, he found Magnus already there, his arms holding him tight through the quivering that often overtook his body while he dreamt, his lips kissing him as soon as he opened his eyes, and his hands gently caressing the back of his neck.

When Magnus first asked him what he used to do each time a nightmare awakened him up, Alec told him that usually, he played the piano until he felt his heartbeat steady again, and Magnus had taken the task seriously, happily getting up from the bed to play with him.

Some other nights, when Alec was just too tired or shaken to get up, he took his cello and sat on the edge of the bed, Alec curling around his lower waist, his legs pressed on Magnus’ thighs and his arms closing on his stomach, and he played for him until he had fallen asleep again. Then he put his cello down, careful not to wake him, and lied back down on the bed beside him, settling inside his long arms that seemed just forged for Magnus to fit in, perfectly.

In the mornings, when Magnus was the one who needed to be taken care of, Alec prepared breakfast and brought him his coffee while he was still lying in bed.

  
  


As the days passed, Alec noticed that the nightmares were becoming less frequent and that he calmed instantly as Magnus enwrapped him in his embrace.

  
  


"You are a magician? I feel as if I've been drugged," he asked him one night as Magnus' soft hands were gently lulling him back to sleep, pressing his head firmly against Magnus' smooth chest, never getting enough of that warmth that felt more home than every bed he'd ever slept in.

"You,...n...your music…," Alec muttered half asleep, his tongue thick, his eyelashes heavy, "...the one you just played…,what...wa...?", he wanted to continue, but words were failing him, the peace of sleep gently falling on him like a warm blanket.

"Was the one I wrote for the fundraising*

"Mmm...yes...how...has it...what...name…?"

Magnus looked at him, puzzlement evident in his eyes and in his loving smile, a wrinkle forming on his forehead as he tried to figure out the question behind those slurred words.

"Ooohhhh, you want to know if I have given it a name!", and Alec nodded clumsily on his skin.

He seemed already sleeping, and Magnus threaded his fingers through his hair.

"Yes," he whispered, "this had already a name the very first time I played it for you, since the moment I wrote all the notes on the pentagram. I wrote this thinking about you," he kept on his lazy and unaimed movements on Alec's head, the feeling of his thick soft hair so beautiful against his skin, " _ You are the music in me _ , that's the name."

He had talked slowly, his voice spelling the words out as if he was talking to himself, believing that Alec was fully asleep by now, but instead, he had heard everything, and his heart was beating faster, despite the haze in his mind.

"Me?" he mumbled.

Magnus' looked down at him in surprise. His eyes were closed, his breath a bit quicker than it was just a moment before, "You, were listening?"

Alec moved his head again.

"You, yes, you. The day I played it for you, I told you that I had written this for the event, but actually, I lied. It was for you."

He saw Alec shifting a bit against him until he was up to face him, one of his big hands cupping his cheek, his mouth closing on his lips, his eyelids always closed, but his eyes fluttering beneath them, "c'm here," he whispered, gently nudging Magnus' head in the hollow of his neck, "you're my music too," and with this last words they both drifted off to sleep.

  
  
  
  


Alec had been exchanging emails with the doctor they had to meet, explaining to him which problems he had with his actual prosthetic limb, and the man said he could give him a new one that would allow him to stand for many hours, and all the while he had been talking to Luke almost every night to show him the prosthesis, asking him if it was worth trying or not.

  
  


On the first call he made to him after Magnus had moved in, he had been so excited that Luke noticed immediately that something had changed.

"He said yes, didn't he?" Luke asked, a wide smile spreading on his face.

Alec turned to Magnus who was sitting next to him and wrapped one arm around his shoulder, dragging him toward the webcam. "This is Magnus," Alec's eyes were shining so bright that Luke thought they had changed color, "the one I talked to you about. He moved in with me two days ago,...and I love him. He is the one that has made me feel alive and whole again, Luke, just as you told me it would have happened." 

Magnus felt a rush of heat rising up his cheeks, a shy smile on his face, his eyes glistening with emotion.

"I see he loves you too, Alec. Good, that's good. I am so happy for you."

Alec cocked his head just enough to give Magnus a feather kiss on his temples, his voice soft, "Magnus, this is Luke, the man I owe almost everything that I am now."

Magnus blinked his tears away, and cleared his throat, twice, "Thanks for keeping this treasure safe until I was able to find him. I'm going to take good care of him, Luke, I promise."

Luke felt a sting inside the corner of his eyes, he took one hand up to his mouth, almost unbelieving, "Oh come on now, buddies, stop, you're making me cry."

Alec laughed and kissed Magnus once again.

  
  
  
  
  


"Dr. Lightwood, come in," the man welcomed them with a powerful handshake, "I’m Sebastian Verlac."

"Alec, call me Alec, and this is Magnus, my boyfriend," those two words felt so good on his tongue that Alec never missed the chance to say them out loud, as they reminded him that everything was true, that he wasn't alone anymore.

The doctor looked at them, smiling, 

"So…, let's talk about the reason you're here Alec. From what you've told me in your emails this prosthetic limb is exactly what you're searching for. This art has a built-in sensor technology that will enable you intuitive and natural motion sequences, even walking backward or climbing stairs, or switching between different walking speeds." 

Pressing a button, he closed the thick grey curtains of the room and switched on a video, and let it play on the screen behind his back, showing Alec the potentialities of the prosthetic limb.

Alec was staring at the images and his heart was racing fast. If everything he was seeing in that video was really true, he could have easily resumed his long-standing surgery sessions.

It was almost too good to believe it. 

Magnus was moving his head from Alec to the screen, one hand squeezing Alec's trembling thigh and the other wrapped around his shoulders.

It was a lot to take in, he knew that. He could see hope, relief, and excitement in Alec's eyes, but also fear, apprehension, disbelief.

  
  


As if he had guessed what Alec was thinking, Verlac stopped the video and turned to look at him again, "I know it seems almost impossible, but it works. This prosthesis is particularly robust and resilient, and it's been made especially for performing challenging tasks. You can configure it using the app and it will make it respond perfectly and reliably to your body and the signals it will send. You will see how much relief you can gain on your musculoskeletal system and how much it will increase your range of freedom in everyday life."

Alec was nervously biting his lower lip and curling his fingers around Magnus' hand. He rolled his shoulders twice, carefully thinking about the questions he had to ask.

"With  _ freedom,  _ you mean that, for example, I could take stairs leg-over-leg again, overcome obstacles, and maybe stand for long, without feeling the pain ramping up to my brain?"

His words were coming out interspersed with puffs of breath.

The doctor smiled, "Absolutely, you'll be able to change walk speed, to incline, and there is also a walk-to-run function for short sprints. The material that protects the electronics is waterproof, which means you can shower with it or swim. The movements are calculated with incomparable accuracy so that you'll be able to concentrate on what you're doing rather than on your steps or how to move your limb. I talked with Doctor Garroway and he told me you're good at training and discipline, I think that in a month you would be able to use it to its full potential."

There was a woman in the video, which was working out, running with her dog, playing on the floor with her kids…, would it be really so? For him too?

He was feeling confused and light-headed, his ribs seemed to tremble under the heavy pounding of his heart, as random images crossed his mind. His first surgery, his water polo matches, his morning run in Indonesia, his shattered limb on the ground, the crutches and the first substitutive limb, Magnus kissing his socket, running with two kids in the grass, making love while standing under the shower, his past merging with the future unfolding in front of him.

He could feel Magnus' hand pressing on his shoulder, tightening around it, supporting him, holding him. He had him now, he wasn't alone.

"I want to try, yes," he breathed out, and the fingers that were curled around his hand squeezed his palm, hard.

"Right then, you won't regret it. Now, let's go down to the lab so I can write down some measures and get the prosthesis ready in a week, would that be fine for you? So you won't have to come back here again."

Alec just nodded, silently, not feeling confident enough to tell anything more than he had already done. He stood up, his hand clutching to Magnus' one, as they went to the elevator that was bringing them to the basement level.

Verlac guided them into a room where there was an examination table, and he gestured to Alec to lie down and strip, to let him see the stump.

Alec removed his pants and stretched on the paper sheet.

"I'm going to set the parameters, be back in a minute," and he left them alone in the room.

Magnus sat next to Alec and silently removed the sweaty locks from his forehead, gently, "You okay?" he murmured, "mh?"

Alec wrapped his hand around Magnus' wrist, softly, "Yeah, a bit overwhelmed I think."

"It's okay, who wouldn't be? Everything's gonna be fine, I'm sure about this," and he leaned to kiss him, leaving a quick peck on his parted lips.

Alec relaxed under the touch, "...'m sure too, I have you, that's more than fine for me," and he claimed his lips once more, pulling back when he heard the doorknob turning.

  
  
  
  


The week they spent in Vancouver turned out to be a sort of anticipated honeymoon. They went around visiting the city, eating in the streets and parks, or just staying in bed making love the whole day, attending some concerts in the evening.

Alec's life had never been so full, full of joy, of feelings and emotions, his hours no more being empty boxes to store meaningless minutes that were just passing by.

  
  


The night before the appointment to retrieve his new prosthesis, Alec had taken Magnus out for dinner up to the Grouse Mountain. 

They were staring at the city spread below them, lights glittering everywhere as shooting stars, huge skyscrapers and large mansions colliding in the shadows, creating a strange geometric landscape, the enlightened streets intertwined together giving the impression of being on a spacecraft.

Magnus rested his head on Alec's shoulder, his arm encircling his lower waist, his other hand closing on Alec's hips, keeping him close.

In the last two days Alec had been acting a bit weirdly, he often seemed far away and lost in his thoughts, and Magnus could even swear that he's seen a hint of sadness in his beautiful shining hazel eyes.

  
  


"Are you worried?", he asked. He wasn't afraid anymore to make questions.

Alec looked at him, "No, I'm not. Not about the prosthesis, anyway. It can't worsen things, it can only improve them. Also, Luke has checked all the technical parameters, I trust him with my life, Magnus. Honestly… I am ready for anything. There's another thing that worries me more," he added and turned to face him.

His face was serious, his eyebrows furrowed, his eyes shaded.

Magnus had never seen that look in Alec's face since the day they had gotten together, and that made his heart fill with fear.

"Alec what is it, I mean… don't look at me like that… what's wrong?", he lowered his gaze, staring at Alec's chest, his hands trembling against his body.

Alec wrapped his hands around Magnus' arms.

"Magnus, you know I love you with all my heart, and even more than that...right?…," and Magnus nodded.

“But…”

Magnus rose his eyes to search for the answer in Alec's ones, "...but? ...is there a  _ but _ ?", his voice quavering.

Alec lowered his head on Magnus' shoulder, his chest heavy, "I …, Actually it's been a couple of days I wanted to tell you this, but I didn't know how to bring out the topic."

"Now you really scare me," Magnus said, his eyes lost and blinding searching for something to hold on to, and Alec would have never wanted to put that look on Magnus' face.

He took Magnus' hands in his, "I...I want you to know that... whatever you decide to do, nothing is going to change what I feel for you. I know it's a lot to ask … so...I understand…"

"What do I do? What are you talking about, Alec? You're... confusing me…"

  
  


Alec disentangled himself from Magnus' arms and looked back at the city. It was easier to talk if he hadn't to look at him straight in his eyes.

  
  


"In these days...I have been thinking that …, that if this prosthesis actually works the way Verlac said…, if I can perform a proper surgery again, I …I," it was so hard, "...I…,"

  
  


Magnus understood immediately that Alec needed him, so he pushed his fears aside, "Alec, whatever it is I'm here for you, I'm sorry if I freaked out, it's just that…. I don't want to lose you…"

  
  


Alec revolved to face him again.

  
  


"When I came back here, before I met Raphael and you, all I could think about was my job at the hospital. I was so mad at Andrew and at the Board for having deprived me of the only thing that was truly mine. But then I met you, and we've built this project together...and ...Now I don't think I want that position back anymore, Magnus. I … I want to go back there, to Indonesia, where they need me. I don't want only to send them money and equipment…, I want to be the one that runs the place, the one that saves them. I want to be for them what that doctor, Ragnor, has been for you, ...and...I know it's a lot to ask, but…"

His eyes were full of tears now, and Magnus' eyes widened as he realized that he had misunderstood everything, his heart feeling lighter, "...and you wanted to ask me to come with you? Is that so?"

  
  


Alec nodded since he couldn't trust his will to finally let the words out.

  
  


Magnus looked at him, his eyes full of tears too, "...and you were afraid I'd say no? Haven't I already told you -- _ yes-- _ to everything on that first night? Alec…," he took his face between his hands, "I love you more than my own life, and the only thing I want is for you to be happy. I'm a musician, I can live everywhere. My music and my cello have been my home for all these years. Now your heart is my home. I'd follow you anywhere."

Alec literally crushed inside Magnus' arms, "You, you amazing man, I...I didn't even know how to ask you, or dare to hope that you would have said yes, I...I love you."

Magnus sealed their lips in a kiss, "Your plans are my plans," he said between the kisses, "I want that hospital, that project to be our legacy to the world. I love you Alexander Lightwood, you and your dream of helping the others, you and your bravery, and the fierceness you fight with, you and your disregard for money and career, you, all of you."

  
  


He grabbed Alec's shirt, tugging it, "Now bring me somewhere more private where I can ravish you? Yes?"

Alec pulled him in his arms, his breath already hitching, "I swear that if this limb allows me to pin you against the first wall…,"

"Well, Verlac actually said that you should put some strain on it to test its possibilities…"

  
  


Alec whined as they made their way toward the Skyride, giggling and barely touching, uselessly trying to keep their arousal at bay, as another first crossed their path, the promise of something huge, a change of life, a turning page, for both of them.

  
  
  
  


They were sitting in the waiting room, Alec's fingers nervously tapping on his trembling thighs, Magnus pretending to read some random magazine he had just taken from the table in the middle of the lounge.

When the door opened for them, Alec almost fell from his seat, as he shot up too quickly for his left leg to bear the weight, but Magnus was there. He nonchalantly embraced him from behind, keeping him up straight.

  
  


"Okay now Alec," Verlac said as he took the prosthesis and handed it to Alec, "you can put it on on your own and then switch it, it's fully charged."

Alec did as he had been told, and remained still on the edge of the bed, staring at his new leg, the knee perfectly resembling a human articulated one.

"Does it fit?" Verlac asked, and Alec nodded, tentatively stepping down, instinctively putting all his weight on his left leg, gasping in surprise when he felt the right knee flexing under the motion.

"That's it, Alec. Try to walk as naturally as you remember to."

Alec made some short steps, "I...I ...think I don't remember how to use my knee, I need to reset my brain again" his voice was shaky as he stared at Magnus, a tremulous, exceedingly, and grateful smile finding his way on his dry lips.

He went to the chair next to where Magnus was, and sat, forcing himself to bend the knee as if it had never been amputated, marveling at the smooth and natural motion.

"Just like that, yes. How does it feel?"

Alec took a moment to think, and to listen to all the emotions that were rushing through his veins, "Feels... unbelievable, and strange, and…," he was too overwhelmed to keep on.

Magnus was looking at him, his eyes able to gauge every single hint of hope that was turning to live again in Alec's heart.

  
  


Verlac perceived that they needed to be alone, it was a lot to process.

"You can go now. There's nothing else I can do for you. You just have to try it, extend your confidence in using it, and experiment, one step at a time. When you feel ready, push a little further. This limb will follow you, trust me. I'm certainly not the one allowed to tell you how things go, but I will do that anyway. With this art, you can do almost anything, if your brain is willing to trust it."

Alec nodded, again, reaching out with his hand to search for Magnus, his palm already waiting for him wide open, his fingers closing around Alec's shaking one, and pulling him up.

"What do you say we take the stairs instead of the elevator," he whispered in Alec's ears, as he embraced him.

  
  
  
  


In less than one month Alec had tested all the things he could do with his new limb. He swam, climbed the stairs, tried to catch Magnus while they were playing tag outside in the garden, opened the door to his siblings wearing only a short towel around his waist, and made love with Magnus more than once, standing.

  
  


When he felt completely in control of his new limb, he started his training sessions to perform surgery again. He spent many hours per day on a brain surgery simulator, the same one he used to train with before each surgery session, standing and simulating complicated operations, testing the level of pain that came from standing for a long time, and how much he was able to shut it out from his brain, to concentrate only on the small careful movement of his hands.

Magnus watched him, as he fought the tiredness, the sweat drops falling through his eyelashes and burning inside his eyes, his brows furrowed in concentration, his tongue reflexively licking his lips when he was about to do some dangerous movements, the way he steadied his breath and held it until the task had been completed.

He was the one that usually kept the count of how many hours had passed, holding him in his arms in the days he made mistakes that would have ended with the patient’s death, and in the days he couldn’t even stand for a few hours, encouraging him to carry on.

  
  


Their regular routine had become Magnus playing while Alec tried to clip a cerebral aneurysm, Magnus sitting beside him writing notes on the pentagram, while he struggled to remove a brain cancer, each day pushing his limits further until he was able to perform a complex reconstruction of the brain stem that required him to stand on his legs for twelve hours, with no errors.

“I’ve done it! Fuck, I almost can’t believe it,” Alec pulled back from the simulator, his shirt soaked in sweat, turning to Magnus who was staring at him, his eyes full of tears, looking at him with so much emotion and love.

“What now? Why are you crying?”

Magnus rose on his feet and threw himself in Alec’s arms, “You haven’t even realized how much time has passed, haven’t you?” he asked between the tears and the small kisses he was showering Alec’s face with.

“No, you’re the one who’s keeping track of it, why?”

“Twelve hours, Alec, twelve long fucking hours, you haven’t taken a moment for yourself to rest or anything, and you performed it all right, you did it! You did it! You, incredible man "

He felt Alec scooping him up in his arms and twirling him around, tears warming Magnus' collar bone where he’d buried his head, "...I don’t know if I would have been able to do this without you Magnus, and even if I ever did… it wouldn't have been the same, it wouldn’t have tasted so good. We’re ready.”

  
  
  


They hadn’t talked about their project till then, since Alec wanted to be sure first, but now, he needed his siblings to know. 

  
  


One day, showing up unexpectedly at the lake after a random text Alec had sent him, where he was saying that they needed to talk, Jace found them making out on the pebbles stones, Alec’s body draped on Magnus’ chest as they were kissing lusciously.

He cleared his throat twice before he could catch their attention, “Men, come on, you're on a lakeshore, you can’t be possibly making out here in the open.”

Alec raised his head from Magnus’ chest, his cheeks flushed, his eyes dark, an annoyed expression on his face, “You’re lucky we had just begun, Jace. It’s not that we have to worry about someone spying on us, here. There’s no one around in the range of miles.”

It was then, that Jace noticed that Ale wasn’t wearing any prosthesis on his stump, and that he wasn’t trying to hide himself from his gaze. He saw him leaning down on the blanket, Magnus next to him, both still breathing heavily, the signs of their arousals still evident underneath their swimming costumes, and he felt a surge of deep utter happiness for Alec.

He gave them a minute to even their breaths and stepped closer as he saw Alec sitting. 

He was smiling wide and deep, his movements smooth and natural. He noticed that Jace’s eyes were going alternatively from his face to his leg, “Does it make you feel uncomfortable?” he asked, seeking in Jace’s eyes for any sign of discomfort.

“What? Your leg?” Jace asked, absentmindedly, as Alec nodded silently, his arm reaching out for Magnus.

“No, not at all, I’m just glad you finally feel free to show me,” and he sat next to Magnus, bowing his head toward his face, “I believe that I owe you a huge -- _ thank you-- _ man, for giving Alec a smile I’d never seen on his face before,” and he patted him on his back.

“So… what was it you wanted to tell me?”

Alec looked at him, and Magnus sat beside him, taking his hand, "We wanted to talk to you because...,” 

_ Heavy news _ , Jace thought.

“I…, well, last week I’ve been able to perform the longest surgery session I’ve ever sustained till now, with no errors, and since that day I’ve been practicing and improving, I… I think I can go back to work…,” he paused not really knowing how to continue.

“That’s great, Alec! I’m so proud of you, so you’re going to make those assholes regret having fired you,… when are you going to kick Andrew’s ass off, uhm?”

He looked at Alec and found him staring at him, his eyes wide and serious, his fingers slightly trembling inside Magnus’ hand, his head shaking just that little bit to give Jace the hint.

“Wait, you’re not going to go, aren’t you? You… you don’t care, anymore, you’ve got other plans…”

  
  


Alec could tell from Jace’s voice that he had understood that something had changed, that Alec had come to a decision he was not turning back from. He licked his lips twice, and then swallowed before he resumed his speech.

“I…, I’ve been thinking about this since I retrieved my new prosthesis in Vancouver, I…I’d promised myself that if it ever worked, I would return to Indonesia and run the hospital, I, … that’s my dream Jace, I think it has always been, but… I never figured that out so clearly in my head until the fundraising, ...so...Magnus and I …, we will be moving to Indonesia by the end of next month, I…I don’t care about what Andrew did anymore, nor about the way they got rid of me so easily. Andrew isn’t worth it. I know Jace... I know we' ve talked about how I could have persecuted them for firing me because of my leg and claim my position back but... I don't care. It's not important to me anymore. I know I could use their money for my charity project..., still... I don't want their money, I don't want anything to do with them anymore.”

Jace kept staring at them in silence until he pointed his finger on Magnus’ chest, “You take care of him, uhm?”, and he pulled him in a tight embrace, whispering in his ear “I’m glad he found you, thank you for loving him so much.”

  
  
  


Their last month was filled with preparations and goodbyes. Magnus’ mother first, then Alec’s friends and co-workers, and finally Raphael.

  
  


When they arrived at the showroom to leave the car Alec had bought, Raphael was already waiting for them outside the glass door, his arms crossed on his chest.

He greeted Magnus first, just holding him in his arms silently, simply listening to his fast heartbeat, no necessity for sharing any words at all.

Then he moved toward Alec, the man that in a few months had grown under his skin in a way he wasn’t prepared for. 

“I knew from the very beginning that you two would end up together,” he said hugging Alec, “you’re the best man I could have ever wished for Magnus. I’ve been the guardian of his fragile soul until now, and now I'm putting it in your hands, all of him. I know you’ll love him more than you love yourself, that you’ll put his happiness above all else, and that …, ah man, that I will miss you both, like hell. Now get the fuck outta here, I already hate you for forcing me to share all these feels.”

Alec could only close his arms around him, stronger, as he whispered, “He is the most precious gift of all the invaluable ones you had given me, Raphael. I could never thank you enough,”

  
  
  


The last ride to the airport felt strange, happy and full of longing, joyful and melancholic, enlightened by the bright future to come and shaded by the sadness of all the hearts they were leaving behind.

Jace was driving at the slowest pace he’d ever run, his breaths long and deep, his chest heavy, his eyes shining and a sunny smile on his face. Memories of the first time he had driven Alec to the airport when he’d gone to Indonesia were merging with the most recent ones, his call in the middle of the night, the sight of him trembling under the strain of standing properly after the accident, that night on the lakeshore as he held him through the sobs, the ghost of death lingering above them until Alec breaths had evened again, and the day he saw that his heart had been given a new chance, the day Magnus entered in Alec’s life.

No tears, he and Izzy had promised themselves. 

Max had always been better than them, less selfish, he wasn’t the one to worry about, but they, they would have to struggle the urge to miss his presence from the moment he would walk behind the gate that was bringing him far away, forever. 

Alec had sacrificed everything for them, until they were able to stand alone and walk the paths of their lives with the certainty of being loved and cared for, with the sureness of not being alone. Now it was Alec’s turn to claim his life back, the same life that had been so harshly ripped from him twice. It was the time to allow him to fly away, to let him go, with no guilt and no regrets, the time to see him blossom and shine the way he deserved, the time to concede him to let go and be cared for the way he had always needed, and with these certainties in their hearts, the last goodbye didn’t hurt as much as they expected.

  
  


Alec and Magnus were holding their hands tight, as they had done on their first flight together toward that city in Canada where they had already exchanged some sort of vows, deciding to take that step, that leap toward a life and a future together, never doubting that their lives had begun and ended in each other's arms. 

They had already gone through a lot before their hearts locked and their paths entwined, there was no need to wait, no need to question further, no room for doubts or cold feet, no space left for loneliness anymore, as they watched the white clouds and the blue sky brightened by the sun, Magnus’ head leaning on Alec’s shoulder.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Epilogue**

  
  
  
  


Alec hadn’t expected the day to be so hot, his flowered chetwode blue shirt was already sticking to his waist and the white linen trousers were not giving him any solace.

But maybe it wasn’t the weather, wasn’t it?

He was marrying Magnus, after two years of love, years that they had filled with conquers, dreams, concerts and surgeries, tears and laughter, goodbyes and welcome-back kisses, and music, the one that they played together in that small home they’d made for themselves in that small mountain village, and the one that filled their hearts no matter if they were together or far away.

  
  


The last time Magnus had come back from one of his travels, Alec had run to the airport, to pick him up. He usually followed him, but this time he had to turn down since the courses he held at the local University had just started.

The moment he saw Magnus running toward him with his cello swaying behind his back and his arms wide open, the words left his lips before the brain had even had a part in putting them together.

“Marry me,” he had told him out of breath, as he closed his lips on Magnus’ ones, “right now,” and Magnus knew that he wasn’t joking at all, his mouth saying out loud the same  _ yes  _ that his heart had already given Alec in that quiet house, near the lake, and on that viewpoint above the city.

  
  
  


They were getting married in the green lawn outside the hospital, the signboard of the  _ Open Arms _ Hospital was covered in flowers and blossoms, hanging above the wooden stage where Luke and Raphael were waiting for them to show up, having given their families just the strict amount of time necessary to arrange the trip, surrounded by the love of the people they were helping each day, and by the laughter of the kids of the music classes Magnus used to hold when he wasn’t traveling.

  
  


Alec had gone sleeping in the small house they had rented for his siblings and was looking at his image in the mirror. His short beard stood out on the pale skin he couldn’t force to turn any different color than red, no matter how many hours he’d spent under the burning sun, his ruffled black hair falling on his forehead, waiting for Magnus fingers to skim them away, or to curl up into.

  
  


“This suffocating climate will hide my tears better,” Jace told him as he entered the small room where Alec had slept in, “I’m already covered in sweat even if I’ve just hopped off from the shower.”

He squeezed Alec’s shoulder, “You okay?”, and Alec nodded, smiling, “Of course you are, look how stupidly happy that man had made you,” his hand was shaking a little.

“I am, Jace, I’m happy, truly happy. I have everything I could have ever asked for.”

“I know, and I’m glad. Come on now, let me walk you to the stage, he’s waiting for you there.”

  
  


Alec walked the path beside his brother, his companion, the witness of the incredible journey he’d made, shoulder to shoulder, slow long steps leading to the place where Magnus was waiting for him, a dark blue shirt, a long necklace made with water lilies leaves hanging from his head, his hair high, the spikes painted in dark green. He was the most beautiful sight Alec has ever laid his eyes on.

He could feel his heart beating faster. The more he closed the distance between them, the more the world expanded around them, the more he looked at him, the more every single piece of his life slotted in place.

  
  


He hugged Jace just before stepping on the stage, turning one more time to throw a kiss to Izzy and Max, a weightless, graceful gesture to the ones that had been the center of his all life before he met Magnus.

He extended his hand to Luke that was waiting behind him, a wide satisfied smile on his face, and to Raphael, that against all odds had his eyes already filled with tears, and then smiled to the old man who was standing in the middle of the stage, a short grey beard covering his cheeks, thick white eyebrows framing his dark deep eyes, a shy smile on his face. 

Ragnor, Dr. Ragnor Fell. That had been Alec’s gift for Magnus, finding the doctor who had saved his mum and asking him to come and celebrate the wedding. 

  
  


Ragnor cleared his throat and an awkward silence fell on the noisy crowd.

“Magnus’ mother has been the first human being I ever saved. Though I hadn’t seen them anymore for years, the memory of that child with sad and mournful eyes that came knocking to my door on that night, has never left me. I just can’t explain how surprised I was when I received a call from this man,” and he pointed to Alec, deepening his smile, “asking me to come and celebrate their wedding. Not to mention the incredible coincidence that the little boy I still carried in my heart, was marrying a doctor that had come here to do the same things I did. The red thread of destiny had worked its ways around the three of us, until it tightened and brought us together again, on this wedding day. I’ve arrived here two weeks ago and took my time to get to know them, these two beautiful human beings, and I can say that I am proud of being the one to seal this love, which has its roots in suffering, and pain, and which has grown under the light of hope, understanding, and mutual commitment. It has taken your trust, dedication, and faith to face all the difficulties life has set in your ways, to stay open to one another, to grow and learn together, your unique identities as separate individuals, a blessing, and nurture to your everyday life. I can only wish for you to make this love flourish each day more than the previous one, as love is the only thing that makes living different from barely surviving.”

He slightly raised his chin to give them the go.

Magnus was holding a small flower coronet in both of his shaking hands.

They stood in silence staring at each other, until Magnus gestured to Alec to bow his head a little, and placed the coronet on his soft locks.

“Alexander, you've become the harmony that echoes inside my head since the day I met you. A single soft voice, the melody to my soul, the song that I always come back to, the one that reminds me of where I belong. I love you, for all that you have been when you weren’t mine, for all that you are now, and for all that you will become. You are the kindness, the love, the wisdom, and the fire I pledge myself to.” He spoke the last words breathing softly against Alec’s skin, slowly slipping the ring he’d been clutching in his fist on Alec’s left-hand finger.

Without warning, Alec dropped on his amputated knee, taking Magnus’ left hand and placing it above his racing heart, the quivering in his husband’s fingers matching his frantic beats, “Life has given me the power to kneel at your feet, something I thought I would never be allowed to do anymore. I marry you, Magnus Bane, in this land that has been the involuntary witness of my fall and my resurgence, the same one that was the scenery of our deepest sufferings, and that now is the womb where our new lives have begun. You are the only reason to go all the way through each of my breaths, the one that has taken my life and made the most out of it, the one that gives meaning to the time passing by, the tangible substance of which my dreams are made of. I love you, more than any word could ever explain, more than every gesture could ever convey.”

He kissed his hand as he rummaged in the pocket of his pants, taking out a flat silver band and gently sliding it on Magnus’ ring finger.

  
  


Magnus pulled him up and closed his arms around him, as a cascade of flowers showered their bodies, and the kids' joyful shrieks filled the air.

  
  


A piano and a cello were waiting for them in the grass. They sat, and just exchanged a quick look. This was something they had always been good at, but that they had perfected even more along the years, the melodies that they played an emotional balanced mixture of conjunct and disjunct motions, so well synchronized that it almost seemed as if it was one single person playing two instruments at the same time. 

They kept on playing as the guests filled the grass and danced, until it came their time to stand, sliding in each other’s arms, their slow movements stealing their breaths and making them crave for more.

The music they were to each other, had opened their hearts and filled them with joy, and that joy had burned out the pain. 

No matter what was waiting for them, they were together, they had the miracle of love renewing itself each day, and as they entangled their hands, greeting everyone goodbye, heading to their room, they knew that this was a thousand times more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END!!!!
> 
> I want to thank you again  
> [foxymoley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxymoley/pseuds/foxymoley) for the beautiful and soft pictures she drew for this fic!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Find me on Tumblr brightasstars.tumblr.com


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